Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I often read your advice to others on here an it has helped me through some difficult moments. I value your perspective on relationships and life in general.

My husband and his female friend spend a lot of time alone at the office. It is just the two of them at this point. There have been others before, but right now it’s just them. He relates to me that they work well together and they can bounce ideas off of each other which spark more creativity. I’m quite positive that there is nothing physical going on. He has said this to my on many occasions. One of the things I am ashamed of in handling all of this is breaking into his computer and phone and reading their conversations (I have stopped this behavior). Through this, I have seen their relationship and there is nothing that says he is cheating on me. There is teasing and banter which makes me uncomfortable, but I know these are feelings I need to work on. For example – they are working on something – she says “ah, man, this is really frustrates me.” And he sends her a link to an image or something to make her feel better. This bothers me because this is not how our interactions go. I understand with the state of our relationship right now; there is a lot of hostility. We used to be light hearted like this, but we haven’t since she came into the picture. I feel hurt when I have this information and usually confront him with it. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want be controlling over his life/actions/friends etc. I also am afraid I will do this to my daughter as she grows up. This is what I am seeking help to change with.

Another thing they do, is go shopping together on their breaks. They go to the grocery store, pick out meals together and stock the office like it is a house. This hurts because I want to spend these moments with my husband. He doesn’t accompany me to the grocery store, before this started or now. We did used to go to department stores when he had more time and now she accompanies him to the store when he goes. This is when we used to have fun together and he says he doesn’t have time to do that with me, but does do it with her. Also, they go on walks together, or go get coffee.

In regards to yesterday’s encounter, we met and said hi and we were walking to a shaded place. He said, “Don’t you think we should try and keep (our daughter) out of the direct sunlight?” Reading your response and having further time to reflect on the matter, I know I over reacted according to my own interpretations of the comment. I was trying to feed her a bottle and push the stroller to the shaded area and doing my best to keep the sun from sneaking through the cover that was over her carrier. With him working so much right now, I have full on care for her by myself. I feel that when we are around him that he doesn’t acknowledge the effort I put into caring for her on a daily basis and brings attention to the areas that need improvement. I can understand that he means well, but in the moment, it hurts to feel like he doesn’t approve of the way I care for our daughter. I have tried talking to him about this and he has made efforts to be supportive.

I agree with whole heartedly agree that effective communication is the root of the problem. I know this is an area I need to improve on. I’m trying to figure out in what ways I can communicate better without letting my emotions interfere. Also, I have done some reading on CBT. I have the book “Mind over Mood” and I want to continue working on this. A problem I realized last year is I feel I have ADD. It is very difficult for me to stick with something after I have started it. I’m trying to find ways to help with this. I cannot go on any medication right now, nor am I certain that is the route I would take. I will pick the book up again and continue with these efforts.

I also know you are right about assertiveness. This is not my nature. I know the value in it, especially with our relationship. I have a constant worry of messing up what I am trying to say or coming across as a b*****. This is something I will practice.

Thanks again for your time.

TT