Hi TT,

I agree with what creative cat has said! I think you are in a pickle here and need to figure out a game plan for yourself going forward. I think you should absolutely consider going to counseling even if you just go by yourself. Going by yourself is still incredibly helpful and important, you can learn a lot about how to consider your own reactions and emotions and what you want.

I would also suggest that you try to think constructively about a way to communicate how you are feeling with your husband. Clearly you guys are not able to resolve this issue the way you have been dealing with it. I would try something new. Maybe ask him to sit down with you and have a structured conversation, with some rules – you get to talk first, he just listens. When you finish, he paraphrases what you’ve said back to you and then he talks and you listen. Something like that.
Or you could try emailing him or writing a letter! I know people think this is weird but I actually find I can think much better when I do this. Then can he read it when he isnt with you and have the time he needs to respond emotionally and think about it before he gets back to you.

I think what you should focus on is
1. telling him WHY him spending time with this woman bothers you – that its the intimate things they do together, go shopping, spend all night together, etc. Tell him that what upsets you is not that the two of them are friends, but it is that you feel like he is emotionally close with HER and not with YOU! What you want, I’m guessing, is not for them to not be friends or to control his friendships, but for the two of YOU to feel close again, and you feel like she is distracting him from that. He is right now investing all his emotional energy into her, and not you. The goal is for the two of you to feel good about one another again. If you both feel happy with your relationship, then perhaps you might not even feel threatened by their friendship, and he frankly may not even be as interested in spending so much time with her.
2. Asking for some modifications about his behavior. If he has to keep working with her because of this work project, then not seeing her anymore isnt an option. But he can probably text you a few times through the night to say hello while he is with her. Or call you to say hi. You could ask him to spend less walks and coffee breaks together. If he still wants to be in your marriage, it is very reasonable for him to make some accommodations so that you don’t feel so uncomfortable with his behavior. Try to come up with a few reasonable things you can ask him that wouldn’t be too hard for him to agree to.
3. You should try to think of constructive ways the two of you can spend time together. Ask him to go for walks with you (and your daughter! That might be nice) and go to the store with you. You can also be creative if you guys are always fighting when you are together – you can play a board game together so you have something to talk about, or make a rule that you wont’ talk about his work or her. Think about it like putting coins in a piggy bank – every good evening or time spent together is one coin dropped in a bank of affection and trust.