Thank you all for your time and thoughts. I must say it was a mix of emotion as I sit here to process tonight. It’s the age old question- do I stay or do I go?

So – the fact of the matter is, the project should be nearing an end- very soon. Like maybe even at the end of this week. Deadlines seem to be a bit extended though as things go wrong and he has to deal with issues that arise. I’ve made a commitment to myself and to our marriage to stay until the end of the project and see if we can work on things after. This project is a childhood dream for my husband and he has worked so hard at it. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I stood in the way of him perusing his childhood dream. On the other hand, I don’t know I feel about getting the raw end of the deal through all of this.

He wasn’t there – AT ALL – through my pregnancy. Towards the end, I went to the emergency room for a migraine and had my elderly neighbor take me. He was at work so I texted him what was going on and he said “Ok, I hope you feel better. Keep me posted.” He had said a few times that we shouldn’t be having a baby while all this is going on. Also, that he had started this project first before we were even pregnant. He also has said that I box him into a corner with the fact that I make decisions like having a baby with taking him into consideration. I find this very hard…I do have wants and desires in life, and having a baby was one of them. WE -together- were trying to have a baby for 3 years. We started going to a fertility clinic….together!! He has his sperm counts checked. I was on medication for a year and a half. It is not like this isn’t something we hadn’t discussed. We were having trouble getting pregnant because I have PCOS. I rarely ovulate on my own. So at the beginnings of our relationship turmoil, we pulled the plug on all fertility efforts…..HA! A few months later, I went in for a routine pap smear and the doctor decided to do a precautionary pregnancy test and it was positive. I was already 12 weeks pregnant. This was not a joyous time. I didn’t get to excitedly tell my husband, YAY – I’m making you a father. We had way more discussions of “are we having an abortion” than “I can’t wait to find out what we’re having”. When it came down to it, I simply could not think of terminating the pregnancy. This was my dream.  He took all the excitement and satisfaction out of my dream. Writing it out here, is the first time I’m really processing this. When I went into labor, he had just gotten home from a long night at work and just went to sleep. He had begun sleeping on the couch because my snoring had gotten too much for him to bare. I know from looking at his conversations with his female friend, he shares far more of his emotion with her than me. After our first ultrasound, he told her how neat it was to see everything and how excited he was. With me, he started a huge fight about what kind of parents we were going to be and how we are going to raise this child. He talked with her about the sex of the baby and how he was excited it was going to be a girl. With me, nothing. I felt like a single mother. I pretty much still do.

However, that is in the past now. I know neither of us have been ideal throughout this turmoil in our relationship. I still feel hurt on many things he has done, especially with this female friend over the last year.

I really liked your post CC. I will look into the resources you’ve listed and will definitely check out the podcast. And Dee, you are right about his relationship with this girl. He has said this too – that if I treated him better and we were able to communicate more effectively, we could have a better relationship. He said he sees her like a sister. I need to mention too that she is in a very committed relationship. Her SO and her have been together I think 12 years. Not married, but act like it.

This is not where I saw this post going but I feel I want to share this information all the same. It’s late and the baby is down so I’m going to bed. I will respond more clearly and directly tomorrow. Thanks for reading and helping me through this difficult time.