Dear Ruby:

Your boyfriend has a negative feeling about marriage, probably not because of a dry philosophical thought, an anti society rebellion, but probably because his emotional, personal experience with marriage. And since he was never married, it could very well be his emotional experience with his parents’ marriage. He probably doesn’t want to be married the way his parents were married.

If his experience living with his parents and witnessing their marriage was very negative, the chances that he will get married with you, and that if he will, that it would be a good idea, are not great, I believe. It may benefit you to find out and look into his experience with his parents’ marriage. This is what I would do, if I was you.

* You wrote: “I am trying to be patient and give him the time he needs to feel ready, and working with him to resolve our issues.”- it may not be at all the issues between you and him that are the reason for his reluctance, but the issues between his parents before he ever met you.

It is fair for you to want to get married, there is nothing wrong with your desire to be married, social convention or not. It is your right. There shouldn’t be pressure placed on you to NOT conform to society’s traditional convention regarding marriage.

You asked: “We are committed in many ways already (as we joint own the flat and our lives are entwined) so does getting married even matter?”- Maybe because him not wanting to marry you means, in your mind, that he doesn’t love you enough. If you researched what I suggested above, you may find out that this is not at all the meaning of his reluctance. If you understand his motivation, maybe the meaning behind his reluctance will change your own motivation.

You asked: “Why has this desire to get married and plan my future taken over my life?”- because it has become your focus. It became your focus, I believe,  because of the meaning I referred to above.

“How can I get over this obsession sand focus on what’s important?” – what is important is to understand each other’s motivations: what it is that you need: is it the assurance that he loves you enough; is it to satisfy your family’s expectations… is it the fear of getting old, or a combination of such?

And, again, what is his motivation?

anita