Dear wildoceanflower:

The combination of feeling angry and powerless is a sickening combination- I know this combination all too well.

You wrote: “People put me down easily and i hate it. But i have never been clever in speech, i can only write.”- this was my experience for a long, long time. I used to replay what people said to me- after the fact- and get angry at myself for not standing up for myself at the time, answering back, in my mind, retroactively, ruminating.

You wrote: “it became normal to me to hear cruel comments and constant rejection”- I still hear those comments. They are replayed in my brain. The people commenting in real life, they have a mental representative in my brain continuing their work. Is it like this for you as well?

anita