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Unable to move forward from old love

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  • This topic has 39 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 10 posts - 31 through 40 (of 40 total)
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  • #151534
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    The combination of feeling angry and powerless is a sickening combination- I know this combination all too well.

    You wrote: “People put me down easily and i hate it. But i have never been clever in speech, i can only write.”- this was my experience for a long, long time. I used to replay what people said to me- after the fact- and get angry at myself for not standing up for myself at the time, answering back, in my mind, retroactively, ruminating.

    You wrote: “it became normal to me to hear cruel comments and constant rejection”- I still hear those comments. They are replayed in my brain. The people commenting in real life, they have a mental representative in my brain continuing their work. Is it like this for you as well?

    anita

     

    #151678
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Once again, i cant decide what best to say..im tired.

    I have never learnt to recall successes. Only failures. My self criticism is the highest of all. My subconscious mind is a punishment that will destroy feelings of self worth. Sometimes my imagination fills in blanks with really horrible stuff.

    Where other people will get angry and stand up for themselves immediately in a public situation, i usually question myself first and back down. This is like a factory fault in me..i dont know how to change it and thus make people treat me better.

    As such Anita, im afraid that the problems i have are not solvable. I am not charismatic like my ex who despite all of his cruelty, gets a lot of friends and girlfriends. I dont think he´s happy, but just like everyone..the goal is to appear happy.

    I am hopeless at that. I am unable to hide my feelings.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #151696
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    Questioning yourself first and backing down instead of standing up for yourself is not a “factory fault”  in you. It is something you were taught and successfully learned. If you stood up for yourself, you suffered negative consequences, so you learned to back down immediately.

    I do know that the learning of such things at an early age (those Formative Years) is very powerful, and feels as strong as if it was a … factory fault.

    Only it is possible to change such learning with motivation, determination and often enough, when something good happens to allow you the peace of mind and energy to go about it. I wish something good like that happened to you.

    anita

    #151954
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi, I am new on here, and can identify. Howver, what is embarrassing, is that most of the men I met were in person. Due to a very traumatic and neglectful childhood from an Alcoholic Mother, who would leave us alone while she went on drinking binges, and a father who had to travel alot, my siblings and I had a very chaotic, unstable, turbulent childhood. The courts took us away, but by then I was six years old, and although I was adopted by a very loving family the damage had been done.

    I In my adult life, I find myself unable to sustain any kind of long term relationship. They are chaotic, intense on my part, I am clingy, co-dependent, have an intense fear of abandonment and perceived rejection. I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I want one so bad, but chaos is all I know. I am in intensive therapy and two 12 step programs. Even though my relationships barely make it over a year, the loss devastates me, and it takes me years to get over that person. I obsess over “what could have been” and what being in love was like and the brief moments of joy I felt.

    Then, I started to get on social media sites and started to enjoy men writing to me and paying me compliments. I then started forming on-line romances with these men, even when they lived outside the United States. I knew I would never meet them..but I enjoyed yet again, the feelings these men have me..and being in love and the emotional attachment. I then met this man back in September on-line. He was quite a bit younger than me..but there was something about him..I don’t know, but I fell hard and envisioned a future with him, as he said he wanted to move to States, but I found out he was just using me to try to get here, and I finally left him. I don’t want him back, we would never meet anyway, but I miss how I felt around him. I get mad at myself, because he used me and I still can’t get him out of my head. It is so difficult. I live in a small town, and it is all married people. I am on a small fixed income right now, and can’t afford a dating site..so I am stuck. It’s very frustrating when you can’t get someone out of your heart and head.

     

    #151970
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Eliana: I hope you will get a reply from the Original Poster of this thread, wildoceanflower. If you would like input by other members, please start your own thread. Click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY, click your chosen category (ex. Relationships), scroll down the page; copy the above post and paste it there.

    #152178
    wildoceanflower
    Participant

    Dear Eliana,

    Thank you for your empathy and story..it always seems a bit easier when there is someone else feeling the same feelings.

    Although i seem unable to help myself..i hope that you will find some help from the therapy you are getting. From what you have said, the sensitivity of your feelings means that going on internet dating may be not be the best idea. Im talking from experience. If there would be any way you could pick up an activity that gets you active or social i would recommend that above shopping for faces online…or waiting for them to find you.

    Trust me, i have trouble with my own advice. But concentrating on doing something else you like, may start to make connections you never thought of. And build your confidence at the same time. Whatever your passion is.

    Its very hard for people to say “why dont you just..” when they are talking from a position of comfort, But i am not there. Its hard.

    I hope the therapy helps to understand yourself better.

    hugs

     

    #152472
    Eliana
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita, I actually posted my response because I wanted WildOceanflower to know that there is someone out there like me who can relate. Although, I never met this man in person, I too, envisioned everything with him..marriage, children. I know I shouldn’t have, and like WildOceanflower, there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about him. My life too, is at a standstill. I had a great life when I met him, then after things were broken off, my life went downhill. I got into a bad car accident. Totalled my beautiful car, for evicted from my three bedroom apartment, now I live in HUD housing, in a small town. Most of my friends have abandoned me.

    My father just passed and the last of my family, my 1/2 sister passed last year. I feel lonely, empty, like there is nothing left for me. I am in intensive therapy for all of this and 12 step programs, that are helping. One is for Trauma for now and my neglectful childhood and the other is co-dependent anonymous. Anyway, your posts and advice has been helping me alot and I am rooting for you WildOceanflower. Stay strong. We can do this. Again, I apologize, If I interrupted anything. I am new on here.

    #152488
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Eliana: I understand. No need to apologize: I am glad you are here, posting on various threads!

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    … How are you?

    anita

     

    #152494
    Eliana
    Participant

    Thank you so much Anita. I really appreciate the welcome. Dear Wildoceanflower, I have been thinking about you, and wanted to log in and send you a cyber hug before going to bed. I hope you are okay? I know you don’t know me very well, but I think we have alot on common with this trying to get over a man situation, and it is one of the hardest things I have gone through in a long time.

    I wish I had never met him. I think you need to be around a support group of people who are happy and will give you love in a therapeutic environment. I know that my 12 step programs have been a Godsend. They do not have meetings in the small town I live in, I am currently on disability, and don’t have transportation, so I do groups over the phone three times a week. I can give you the phone number to the central headquarters. I think the program will really be a Godsend for you. These are happy, loving people, most of whom have finished all 12 steps. I have a sponsor, you don’t have to have one, but mine has been there for me when I am crying over this man or lonely. There are conventions she takes me too, and everyone is happy and warm and smiling. They will hug you and be like your second family. This will give you a sense of belonging and purpose in life, and make you feel like you are moving forward. You can do the phone groups if they don’t have face to face meetings and the phone meetings are an hour long and held on different days of week. The central headquarters will help you find a sponsor (I think of mine as a life coach). She has 18 years of experience. They all have to meet certain requirements to become sponsors. If you want more information, just ask. Hope you are okay.

    #153818
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear wildoceanflower:

    Wondering about you, hoping you are okay. Post anytime, here or start a new thread, I hope.

    anita

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