You’re definitely correct. I look way too far ahead into the future. I think so far ahead that it overwhelms me, and causes me to panic. I know I need to try harder to live in the moment, not in the past nor future. But it’s difficult to do so when you’re stuck in a perpetual state of fighting with depression and panic.

I feel as though I’ve been wasting my youth because of this. I’ve seen my friends and family members move on with their lives, and here I am, afraid to take that first step because I don’t know where it will lead me. I’ve always been the type of person to plan things out, not go into them blindly. I know that life can and is completely unpredictable, and that’s where my problem lies. I hate not having complete control over it.

I’ve also taken notice of how afflicted I am with the way this country and the rest of the world is. I know I’m not the only one affected by it, my entire generation as whole is as well. So it’s nice to take some comfort in knowing I’m not alone, but it’s definitely scary. Nothing is the way it was when I was my parents’ age. I’ve already exceeded the age of when my mother started having children. It feels as though we’re all lagging behind previous generations in everything we do, and it has definitely shaped us all in certain ways. This is what has made me think that college is no longer even worth the effort, I know it opens a lot more doors compared to just a high school diploma in terms of jobs. But why exactly does work even exist if we’re all here for a short time? What gains do we get from things in the form of monetary value? Shouldn’t we be able to think and do things freely without having to worry about keeping up with the bills? Buying houses? Buying cars? How I wish this world operated so much differently, where people are able to freely do as they please instead of punching in for work 8-12 hours a day, when that time could be used for other meaningful things like raising a family without having both parents working constantly, spending time with your parents, learning about a multitude of different things without being overly exhausted from putting in a day of work. Being able to enjoy yourself. But sadly that’s not the way things are.