Part Seven:

In my later twenties, living alone, and associating with co-workers, I joined them in excursions  to clubs and bars and attended amazing holiday parties. I felt closer to one of my co-workers, felt like we were best friends. I watched her start a family, get a new home, experience all that love in her life. She made comments to me and I felt like she criticized me. She had everything and the little that I had, she criticized.

I cannot take an ounce of criticism from anyone..

I couldn’t forgive her and the friendship ended. Like in all my friendships, my depression and anxiety ruined them all. I am sure she has many friends, is happy and doesn’t need me.

A recurring theme in my life has been all along that bad things happen to me, as if a poltergeist, a supernatural being,  is following me around, setting up distressing situations for me. What I feared- kept happening to me as I moved from dwelling to dwelling,  job to job. It seems like I get into trouble every day. I don’t want trouble, but trouble keeps finding me. I try very hard to not get into trouble, second guessing every move I make, considering all possible negative consequences, but in vain.

I feel like there is someone or something targeting me. It knows my fears and feeds them; it knows my few strengths and destroys them.

I have been fired from jobs for crying. I can’t tell you how often I have cried in my life. I quit jobs.  I lost jobs either way because of my emotional problems. No employer had a problem with my work itself, but that could be my wrong perception.

I have been seeing therapists on and off since I quit high school, when I could afford to see them. I hoped a therapist could end my suffering. They never can.