Thank you both, Anita and Mark, for your thoughtful advice and for the time you took to read my own thoughts.

Anita, yes–you are spot-on about the magical thinking.  That is something I have had difficulties with throughout my life, though I never knew the word for it: taking my thoughts as symbolic or meaningful.  In the end, thoughts are only thoughts, which has recently been my mantra most days!  And, in my experience, they oftentimes try to distract and control.  Furthermore, I can’t say I was deeply hurt as a child by my parents.  My father would scold me and spank me for doing something wrong, but those were actions he grew out of and now he is a very kind and compassionate person, one of the closest people I have in my life.  But I can say that I have had several break-ups, all that were very hard on me which may contribute to the relationship anxiety.  Thank you again for your advice.  I will definitely take time sitting with myself to really hear out the different parts of me that are asking for attention. xx

Mark, those are great suggestions for anxiety.  I have heard of many of them before and have implemented them into my life when experiencing anxiety.  I am trying to stabilize my mood… mostly just sitting with myself and hearing myself out are the tricks that are working best at this point.  But falling into it and not ignoring the anxiety is definitely crucial.  Also, my aforementioned father has a lot of experience with panic attacks and has gotten to a point within the last few years where he has completely cured himself from them, so he has shared his tips with me and I am following them.

On a similar subject, to either one of you, and neither of you may see this message (but I hope you do!  You both offered wonderful, heartfelt advice) but have you had any experiences with “spiritual awakenings”?  The last two months or so have been excruciatingly difficult both spiritually and mentally, though I can’t help but see the two as interconnected.  I was never sure if I believed in spiritual awakenings before, but with my experiences recently I may rethink that.  As I mentioned before, I have somewhat constant depersonalization and derealization which is very unsettling, which was likely to be spawned by the failed relationship I mentioned.  It is difficult to distance myself from the thoughts that ask (and I’m not sure if either one of you have experienced DP/DS before, but) “Is what I’m seeing with my eyes real?  Am I imagining everything?” etc.  They are overwhelming strong and persistent, not to mention unpleasant, and induce even more anxiety upon me.  However, I will make my mantra “thoughts are only thoughts” until I can make time to sit with myself and get to the bottom of what is causing the anxiety.  I feel quite distanced from reality.  I have sat with myself many times to feel like I acquired peace of mind, only to find myself needing to sit with myself another time, and another time.  I feel quite dissatisfied with life, too: my family, who I love and care about deeply, seem not to care as much as I care about them, which is something that particularly saddens me as they are my closest and dearest friends.  I know this is not true, though, as they do care about me immensely… I suppose what I’m trying to convey is I just don’t feel satisfied by them anymore, if that makes sense.  I am disappointed at times with my encounters with them.  Perhaps this is because they are a few states away from me at the moment, which is difficult when I hold them so dear to myself, and I’m not around them physically.  I just wonder sometimes why I am here when I am so sensitive.  I know there is a reason, but it is definitely difficult at times.  I once felt so much immense joy and pleasure with life–objects were glowing with liveliness, helping others was just a natural tendency, etc.  I have been very inward in these last few months and it has been quite trying, but I am sticking it out.  Recently, I was just lying on the floor, giving my spirit complete permission and granting it total freedom to do as it pleases.  I still feel kind of stuck though.  Do either of you have any experience with this?  Any suggestions?  Might the feelings of dissatisfaction with life be caused by letting go of anxiety/anxious thoughts?  Especially the highly anxious thoughts of DP/DS symptoms?  Maybe I’m partially answering my own question haha.   Anyways, would greatly appreciate your thoughts. xx