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steph

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Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)
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  • #155166
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    I appreciate your insights.  I do see what you mean about body language and facial expressions.  Perhaps I am internalizing the face-to-face encounters I have with individuals on a daily basis–I’m not quite certain at this point.  It could be the case that I developed a strong sense of empathy from living mostly with my mother.  In any case, I am doing better as I am home from school for the summer so there’s that.  Thank you again for your insights.  I think things will be okay given that I am unwinding from school right now.

    Best wishes to you!

    steph

    #154952
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    I did not mean that there were any accounts of paranormal abilities; I meant more of an emphasis on absorbing other unseen qualities/characteristics, such as energies and feelings of another individual–or community, in this case.  To further explain, an “empath” is one who feels emotions quite easily and is very sensitive to the point where one may feel another’s physical pain as if it were their own.  For instance, if another individual’s back is aching whom they are speaking to, the empath’s back may start to ache slightly.  It’s quite an intuitive thing, something that happens without thinking about it.  It’s more of an energetic exchange, though I’m not sure if you would be one to know much about this either given what you stated about your beliefs.  Either way, that is my personal explanation given my own experiences.  Subtle energies tend to have a great effect.  When a person is quietly judging me (doesn’t say anything with words, but in their mind) I can feel it–or if someone tends towards negativity it can do this as well.  Also, spiritual energies can effect me in this way as well.  I’m not sure if this is completely clear to you, though–let me know if I should elaborate more.

    steph

    #154616
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    I do have one more question for you–do you have much knowledge on empaths?

    Currently, I am attending a very spiritually-focused school. All students and faculty are required to meditate twice a day and many people take part in a spiritually-accelerating program called the Sidhis. Because of this, I am surrounded by an energy that feels very high and bright. Most people living in the town meditate as well, and there are probably 4,000 people total (it’s very small). I’m wondering if my sensitive tendencies are having difficulty feeling grounded in this situation, and so it is causing me to feel unstable and producing a lot of anxiety as we spoke of. Do you think this might be possible? Again, I’m not sure if you have any knowledge with being an empath but I figured I would ask. Perhaps empaths need more of a balance between the spiritual and the material? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

    I am on the train home now for the summer, but I am reflecting back on how I feel at home compared to how I feel at school and found the comparisons worth looking at.

    steph

    #154468
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Just finished journaling what my hopes/expectations are for a future relationship.  I’m planning on writing more about it and being clearer eventually, but for now I have some good bullet points to go off of.

    Thank you once again for your help.  It has been a pleasure talking to you and receiving your advice.  I wish the very best for you.  Perhaps we will talk again in the future. 🙂

    steph

    #154314
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Your thoughts are quite clear to me.  I think it’s a great idea to lay out a self-care plan in the context of a following relationship.  It is important to clearly know what it is I am looking for and what it is the man is looking for so neither of us get confused or make unclear assumptions.  I will definitely be working on that. 🙂

    Even though it was a difficult process getting here, it’s such a blessing to finally know what my limits are.  I used to be very scared about relationships but would get involved anyway.  Subconsciously, I kept thinking they would provide me with lasting happiness.  But, now I feel very happy with myself–and if I remain single for the rest of my life, that’s okay.  I’d rather be happy alone than compromising myself to be with someone else.  It is liberating to know that I don’t need anyone to fill up a space in my life.  I think this is the biggest factor in preventing myself from getting involved in another relationship where I get hurt very badly–I just need to be clear about what I’m looking for.  And if something no longer feels right, I have the right to part ways with him.  But I finally feel confident that I won’t just settle for someone because they pop up and seem to enjoy my company, so I am very happy about this.  A big step of growth for me. 🙂  Learning lots about self-worth.

    steph

    #154020
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Yes, your thoughts are quite clear.  I could see it being the case that what happened recently with the romantic relationship triggered those feelings of rejection from my childhood.  I have known for a while that it is important to set boundaries, to know when someone isn’t reciprocating your feelings, but it hasn’t always been easy for me to refrain from reaching out and seeing if they might realize that I care about them and change their mind… but that usually is never the case, as I have learned.

    So, I’m glad that I’ve realized just how important it is to really take care of myself.  Self-care is not just taking a bubble bath or giving your feet a massage–it can be hard work!  The things we don’t particularly like to hear, perhaps.  It is really sticking up for oneself and knowing one’s limits and what one stands for, not letting people take advantage.  But I am glad I am here now and can be at peace.  I know that the feelings of anxiety will pass–it was only the situations I was in that triggered them.  After being gentle on myself and allowing myself to rest when I feel the need, I know I will be back to feeling myself.  Thank you tremendously for your help.

    steph

    #153864
    steph
    Participant

    Also, because my mother wasn’t home very often, I usually would just resort to spending time on the computer.  This wasn’t good during summer, as you can imagine, because most hours of my day were just in front of a computer screen, trying to make friends or talk to someone.  My brother with cerebral palsy was also just simply left alone to watch television all day, which isn’t healthy for any person.

    #153862
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Sure, that definitely works for me.  I will just share some general information and what I feel comfortable sharing.  So:

    The first thing that comes to mind: With my relationship with my mother… I didn’t quite have a healthy one.  My parents got divorced when I was eight or nine, and I mostly lived with my mother from that age until I was about 14.  She wasn’t around very much and extra difficulty was introduced when I was expected to take care of one of my younger brothers who had/s cerebral palsy and is in a wheelchair.  I took responsibility often among my other siblings because my brother’s twin was usually with his friends as was my older sister.  The only times I really saw my mother were in the morning very briefly, but usually she was gone and I had to make my own breakfast; and after school (this was in middle school) when we would see each other briefly yet again and she’d go somewhere or go do something.  We would go out sometimes, but we never really did things kids would want to do.  Usually, it was just running errands for her or going to a class for singing or gymnastics or something.  She still isn’t very involved in my life despite my efforts to explain how I would like her to be more involved, and she has never understood that she abandoned us kids in a lot of ways.  She explains that she was just looking out for herself so she could pay the bills.

    That is the main thing that comes to mind.  Fortunately, I’ve been able to have healthy conversations expressing the hurt I felt as a child with my father.  He understands the times he especially hurt me and has taken to hearing me out to express my feelings.  He has apologized for these times and, as I said, is kind and caring now, allowing me freedom to be myself and discover things on my own.

    steph

    #153836
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Thank you again for your contributions.  I took a lot of time expressing myself through typing as, once I started, more and more bubbled up.  Some of it is personal and I am not quite comfortable sharing it publicly on these forums.  If you are comfortable, you can e-mail me at godspdst @ gmail . com (without the spaces) and we can continue our discussion.  If you are not, I’ll write a shorter, less personal reply here.  Either way is fine.

    steph

    #153812
    steph
    Participant

    Also, if you have any suggestions as to what has helped you in your experiences with DP/DR.

    #153810
    steph
    Participant

    anita,

    Thank you again for your thoughtful response.  I greatly appreciate your insights.  It is definitely possible that I have adopted that punishment-based philosophy as part of my own.  Also, I didn’t mention this before as we were discussing my relationships with my parents in the past, but I do feel that my relationship with my mother has always been draining on me.  I feel that she has quite a negative outlook on life, can be judgmental and doesn’t seem to care as much about me as I care about her.  However, I decided yesterday to refrain from contacting her to which I expect positive results.  Spending time with her and feeling that I was responsible to uphold the relationship just because she is my mother has been an area of difficulty in my life, but I am learning that I must set boundaries even when the choice is difficult.

    How you explained depersonalization and derealization as states of intense anxiety does resemble how I thought of them in my mind.  I know in my heart that it is just intense anxiety, yet they feel so convincingly real and it makes it difficult to distinguish what I know from what I feel, if that makes sense.  The way you explained DP/DR does ease my mind a lot, still.  I just wonder what may be causing me to hurt so much–if it really could have just been that almost-relationship I was in, as that is the only thing that has been very painful as of late.  Also, world events have taken a significant toll on me, but I stopped looking at/caring about the news a few weeks ago.

    Your explanation on DP/DR does provide comfort.  As I mentioned earlier, too, it helps me so much to remind myself that “thoughts are merely thoughts and nothing more.”  I have been resting a lot, too, and trying to take it easy.  I find that I have to talk myself through situations where anxiety/nervous thoughts begin to bubble up: “I am safe; nothing is going to hurt me; this is just anxiety talking, I can choose to ignore it,” etc.  And simply confronting the thoughts that frighten me has helped, too: “So what if I have thoughts questioning reality?  I’m not going to let those thoughts stop me from living life and enjoying it.  I am here, I have a life–I have a right to enjoy it.”  Doing these things has helped me a lot.  And remembering that it wasn’t always like this.  Still, I do miss that feeling of being absolutely present, that feeling of freshness and vibrancy.

    I would greatly appreciate hearing any more thoughts you might have.

    ~steph

    #153736
    steph
    Participant

    Thank you both, Anita and Mark, for your thoughtful advice and for the time you took to read my own thoughts.

    Anita, yes–you are spot-on about the magical thinking.  That is something I have had difficulties with throughout my life, though I never knew the word for it: taking my thoughts as symbolic or meaningful.  In the end, thoughts are only thoughts, which has recently been my mantra most days!  And, in my experience, they oftentimes try to distract and control.  Furthermore, I can’t say I was deeply hurt as a child by my parents.  My father would scold me and spank me for doing something wrong, but those were actions he grew out of and now he is a very kind and compassionate person, one of the closest people I have in my life.  But I can say that I have had several break-ups, all that were very hard on me which may contribute to the relationship anxiety.  Thank you again for your advice.  I will definitely take time sitting with myself to really hear out the different parts of me that are asking for attention. xx

    Mark, those are great suggestions for anxiety.  I have heard of many of them before and have implemented them into my life when experiencing anxiety.  I am trying to stabilize my mood… mostly just sitting with myself and hearing myself out are the tricks that are working best at this point.  But falling into it and not ignoring the anxiety is definitely crucial.  Also, my aforementioned father has a lot of experience with panic attacks and has gotten to a point within the last few years where he has completely cured himself from them, so he has shared his tips with me and I am following them.

    On a similar subject, to either one of you, and neither of you may see this message (but I hope you do!  You both offered wonderful, heartfelt advice) but have you had any experiences with “spiritual awakenings”?  The last two months or so have been excruciatingly difficult both spiritually and mentally, though I can’t help but see the two as interconnected.  I was never sure if I believed in spiritual awakenings before, but with my experiences recently I may rethink that.  As I mentioned before, I have somewhat constant depersonalization and derealization which is very unsettling, which was likely to be spawned by the failed relationship I mentioned.  It is difficult to distance myself from the thoughts that ask (and I’m not sure if either one of you have experienced DP/DS before, but) “Is what I’m seeing with my eyes real?  Am I imagining everything?” etc.  They are overwhelming strong and persistent, not to mention unpleasant, and induce even more anxiety upon me.  However, I will make my mantra “thoughts are only thoughts” until I can make time to sit with myself and get to the bottom of what is causing the anxiety.  I feel quite distanced from reality.  I have sat with myself many times to feel like I acquired peace of mind, only to find myself needing to sit with myself another time, and another time.  I feel quite dissatisfied with life, too: my family, who I love and care about deeply, seem not to care as much as I care about them, which is something that particularly saddens me as they are my closest and dearest friends.  I know this is not true, though, as they do care about me immensely… I suppose what I’m trying to convey is I just don’t feel satisfied by them anymore, if that makes sense.  I am disappointed at times with my encounters with them.  Perhaps this is because they are a few states away from me at the moment, which is difficult when I hold them so dear to myself, and I’m not around them physically.  I just wonder sometimes why I am here when I am so sensitive.  I know there is a reason, but it is definitely difficult at times.  I once felt so much immense joy and pleasure with life–objects were glowing with liveliness, helping others was just a natural tendency, etc.  I have been very inward in these last few months and it has been quite trying, but I am sticking it out.  Recently, I was just lying on the floor, giving my spirit complete permission and granting it total freedom to do as it pleases.  I still feel kind of stuck though.  Do either of you have any experience with this?  Any suggestions?  Might the feelings of dissatisfaction with life be caused by letting go of anxiety/anxious thoughts?  Especially the highly anxious thoughts of DP/DS symptoms?  Maybe I’m partially answering my own question haha.   Anyways, would greatly appreciate your thoughts. xx

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)