Anita,

Yes I am very excited and hope I can put this all to rest. The way I think about it is, its me. These feelings are because I am doing this to myself, nothing he is doing. If it wasn’t because of this, it would be something else. I freak out now that I want to break up with him thinking that would relief this anxiety… but the truth is, then I would just be anxious that I broke up with him. And I would start obsessing about something else. I think I just need to get to the point where I realize this is an issue between me myself and I. And I need to work on fixing myself, and once I am anxiety free/in a better place mentally and I have a clear view that I WANT to break up, then maybe I will. But right now I think I am looking for ways that I can end my own anxiety and my brain tells me oh maybe breaking up will cause safety and take me away from this constant “fight or flight” response. I hope going to therapy we can work on the ways I can get some clarity. I also tell myself, if I knew the right thing to do was break up I would’ve done it by now and not have gotten this anxious and depressed thinking about it, but its because I know its not what I want to do that I get like this. Kinda like if someone has OCD thoughts to do bad things, they get anxious about it and give it attention because its NOT what they want to do. I find thinking back to my childhood with that incident with the film, I was looking for ways to relieve the anxiety and thought maybe lying about it would relieve it all, but in reality, if I lied, I would just get anxious about something else and it would be a never ending problem, I had to get to the root of the problem, which now I think… I actually have no idea what the root of the problem might me. Idk if its because this is the first time I have loved someone so much, had to put my entire trust into someone, idk if its just something simple and I am like this because ultimately I am picking my life partner….which is one of the biggest decisions we as humans have to make. I think its just all fear and uncertainty that is driving me to the edge.