Hi Jeff,

I’m new to this website so  this is a first for me responding.  Hope I can be helpful.

I understand your frustration.  It’s difficult when you want more connection than your partner does.  When you’re willing to put more time, energy, and effort into your relationship than your partner does.  What do you do?  Even though I’m still currently married (although I don’t know for how much longer), I have experienced the same feelings of discontent, loneliness, lack of attention and validation from my partner.  I use to question how committed he was to our relationship given that he wasn’t giving the same amount of energy to “Us.”

After several years of “working” on our relationship, I finally  decided to start working on myself instead.  Instead of giving so much energy to my partner, I began giving to myself and exploring the things that contribute to my own happiness.  I have a good job which I enjoy.  So I began cultivating new friendships there.  My new friends have been able to provide a great deal of emotional support to help me figure out what I want from a partner.  I’m able to talk to them and get support from them in ways that I was unable to get from my spouse.

In addition to new friends, I began spending time and energy cultivating new hobbies that bring me joy and happiness.  I have always loved to dance.  So I learned a new one.  I started taking lessons and going out dancing with other people who share my passion.  I have met so many wonderful people and had so much fun that I wondered why I didn’t do this sooner.  I guess I wasnt ready before.  I have made so many great connections that it fills me up in ways that my partner never could.

I also have begun meditating and listening to positive podcasts, and You Tube videos/audios.  I’m trying to learn how to focus on the things I want in my life, rather than the things I don’t.  I’ve always been a more optimistic person, but these have helped me gain more clarity about how I want my life to be.  I am now dreaming and imagining a life that I want, rather than focusing on the life that I have, a result of all my previous thoughts and beliefs.  I am learning to spend more time and energy on the thoughts and things that bring me joy, and trying to leave all the rest behind.

I have kids too.  I don’t know how your relationship is with them.  I’m sure it must be challenging to see them every other weekend.  Do you communicate with them regularly?  You didn’t say how old they are.  But I know that time passes quickly and they won’t be in the house for long.  I can’t believe mine are teenagers and almost out of the house.  So I would recommend that you try to cultivate as best a relationship with them as you can given the distance between you.  What lessons do you want to teach your kids?  What kind of role model do you want to be for them?  What do you want them to learn about love and life?  How do you encourage them to become the best version of themselves?

ARE YOU THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF?  You can’t teach anyone else how to do that until you figure out how to do that for yourself.  And you’re never finished with yourself.  We’re all “works in progress.”  That’s the challenge and beauty of life.  You’re always given more opportunities to learn and grow and evolve.  To dream and imagine and do.  I hope that you will do this, if you haven’t been doing this recently.

I shared all of this with you, not to “figure out” your relationship, but to help you figure out  yourself.  A good relationship should feel healthy and expansive and joyful, rather than making you feel badly about yourself or doubtful and insecure.  And acutually, noone can “make you ” feel anything.  That’s why it’s so important to make yourself happy first.  You can only do that for yourself.  But if your girlfriend isn’t willing to put any of your needs ahead of her own, I don’t think that that’s the kind of girlfriend you want or deserve.  We all deserve to be loved and cared for in ways that make us feel special and important in someone else’s life.  And if your partner isn’t doing that for you and isn’t willing to make any changes, then maybe it’s time to look for someone else who will.

But while you’re looking for someone else, YOU have to do this for yourself FIRST.  Love yourself, care for yourself, find and do things that bring you happiness and joy.  FILL YOURSELF UP.  Because unless you’re full of your own love, you don’t have much to give to someone else.

Only you can answer if you should stay or go.  I always say try to resolve things if the relationship is worth it.  However, noone can create or maintain a relationship on their own.  It takes two.  So if your partner isn’t willing to do any work or put in much effort, that’s a big clue.  Good relationships take 100% effort from both partners.

I hope that this has given you some things to think about.  And I hope that I’ve encouraged you in some way.  We all deserve to have someone special in our lives.  But the most important person to ever do that for ourselves is MYSELF.  I hope that you fill yourself up and create much happiness and joy in your own life, with or without a girlfriend.

Take Care and Many Blessings to You!

Dawn