Forum Replies Created
August 10, 2017 at 4:48 pm #163364
You can’t do anything to change your parents’ behavior of you. But you can change how you want to act and react with your parents. When people hurt other people, they are usually disconnected from God/Source, and can’t manage their negative emotions in a healthy and constructive way. They often end up hurting the people they claim to love the most. For you to live your life more joyfully, you need to decide the boundaries that you want to create with your parents (or other friends,etc.). It’s difficult to do at first, but the more you do things that feel good and expansive, rather than bad and oppressive, the more you will crave that in your life. You can decide how much distance or closeness you can accept with these relationships.
As for yourself, I don’t know how old you are. But if you are waiting for children or a man to fulfill you, then you might be waiting a long time. The only person that can fulfill you is YOU (and God/Source). Start looking for things that bring you joy, peace, calm, and a sense of time passing so quickly that you don’t even realize it. Those are the things that will help you create a better life for yourself. The things that will lead you to feeling more fulfilled, valued, worthwhile. Appreciating nature (think long walks, bike rides, hanging out by the beach or lakes or mountains). Feeling the healing energy of the Universe. Do something Creative, like paint, dance, make something with your hands (even cooking a good meal counts!), write, etc. Find out what Rocks Your World! And do some of that Every Day!! Start dreaming about the “perfect life.” What does that look like? More importantly, what does that FEEL like? What will you be doing? How will you be different? How will you feel differently? Focus on creating a new life of your dreams where you are passionate about something(s), where you are honoring your gifts and talents and sharing them with the world. Appreciate your good qualities. Focus on those. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving of yourself and others. When you are the bigger person, you create more of these qualities in your own life, as well as attracting others who show the same.
What we focus on, we become. Try as much as possible to appreciate and be grateful for the things and people that help you feel good about yourself. Learn to turn away (figuratively and sometimes literally) from the things and people that don’t. Fill yourself up with Love and acceptance. And Focus on What you want more of in your life. Those are some places to start.
Good luck! And take good care of yourself! You’re the most important one to do this for yourself!!
Dawn R.August 10, 2017 at 4:16 pm #163362
I recognized the Italian, even though I don’t speak it 🙂 Mediation is very helpful in trying to stay in the present and just observe your thoughts, rather than judge them. You can find many YouTube videos. Also, I just heard about a new App called “Headspace” that gives 5-10 minute meditations. It was started by a man who used to be a Buddhist monk. He is trying to help people learn how to meditate to bring more calm and peace into their lives. Start small (5-10 minutes). Focus on your breathing. Just observe your thoughts. If they are from the past, just watch them like a movie. If they are about the future, try to “cut them” out, and bring your thoughts back to the present. You could also focus on a word like “amore, calma, pace” for the 5-10 minutes. It’s like anything new you do. It takes time and practice and persistence. Hopefully you will receive the benefits and start to feel more calm and accepting of yourself and life in general. Also, you can write a list of 5-10 things you are grateful for every day. When you start to worry or stress, try to think about your gratitude instead. Change your thoughts, change your life.
Dawn R.August 6, 2017 at 6:58 pm #162564
It sounds like you first need to focus on Finding Yourself. All of the love and security you’ll ever need can only come from God/Source and inside of yourself. Sure, other people can contribute to your happiness, love and security, but if you don’t have it within, you will continually push people away due to your own doubts and fears of abandonment. I don’t know how old your kids are. I don’t know how your Parents helped (or didn’t help) you feel safe and secure growing up. But how can you do this for yourself (almost “Re-Parenting” yourself)? How do you do this for your children? If you imagine yourself as a 5 year old, how would you reassure her that she is safe, secure, and loved? How can you learn to trust in yourself? Heal yourself from whatever is holding you back? It starts with You. You are the only one responsible for healing what is hurting you (even if it’s mostly you). You are the only one that can extend compassion and forgiveness for yourself, and the others that have hurt you. By forgiving them, you don’t condone or accept their behavior, but you release the emotional hold that they still have over you. You can set yourself free. You can recognize and honor the love that is already inside of you. It’s not a “One-time” thing. It’s an ongoing process. It’s a lifetime journey, to love and accept ourselves as we are, while still striving to become the Best Version of Ourselves. Take it one step at a time. One day at a time. And be patient, gentle, kind, and understanding with your process. Look within your Heart and recognize that your Love has always been there. It will always be there. You just have to remind yourself. And remember that You Are Love.
Take Care. Blessings to you.
August 6, 2017 at 6:41 pm #162562
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Dawn R.
Eliana and Anita have given you lots of great advice, helpful things to think about. I just wanted to ask you what is your Spiritual life like? I think when we’re in pain, it’s due to feeling disconnected from God/Source. It is only when we see ourselves through the eyes of God that we recognize our own unique and special qualities, and come to see and value ourselves as God sees us. If you saw yourself as a 5 year old, what would you tell him? Would you tell him that he was worthless, unlovable, not special? Or would you scoop him up in your arms and gush all over him, kiss/hug/tickle him and tell him how amazing he is and how much you love and appreciate and accept him as he is, regardless of his struggles, bad choices, etc.? When people hurt us, we have to learn to have compassion for them in the same way too. If people aren’t taught how to love and care for themselves, how are they expected to do a good job doing that for others? In healing ourselves, loving and accepting ourselves, being kind, patient, and compassionate with ourselves, we can extend the same to others. We have to start with Ourselves first. Then as we slowly come to recognize our own Internal beauty and magnificence, then we can start to see others with those same eyes. The eyes of God/Source.
We are all Lovable. We are all Worthy. We just need to discover, recognize and honor our Unique selves. And forgive ourselves and others along the way that have prevented us from Seeing our own Truth. That We are All LOVE.
Take Care. Sending you blessings and love.
Dawn R.August 6, 2017 at 6:14 pm #162560
You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to fix himself, regardless of how much you love him. All you can do is take care of Yourself. When & IF he ever decides to change and grow, you may or may not be available to resume your relationship with him. So for now, grieve the loss of the dream you once had with him. Realize that your relationship did not meet your dreams or expectations. And focus on yourself and living the life of YOUR dreams, with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. It will be difficult to let go of him. But it’s much more important to HOLD ONTO YOURSELF! Love and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve to be treated like a Queen, and not just like a servant or handmaid. Hold out for your King. It will be worth it!!
Good luck. Take Care!
Dawn R.July 20, 2017 at 6:44 am #159134
Her “I’m thinking about it…” just leads you to obsess over whether or not she really means it. In my opinion, regardless of what happens with her, it sounds like it would be really helpful for you to learn to be alone. The reason why it feels “wrong” to you is because it’s so unfamiliar. You’ve said you’ve never really been alone. So for you to learn to not feel lonely when you’re alone would be a worthy goal. Focus on yourself, learn more about yourself, and be more comfortable with yourself when no one else is around.
Yes X, we all need to feel whole and complete without the help of anyone else in our life. It is in our discovery that we can create more of the life that we want for ourselves, and perhaps eventually, give more of our Authentic Self to someone else who is equally invested in our Well-Being.
Good luck Jeff!
DawnJuly 16, 2017 at 11:10 pm #158470
Thanks for your honesty. I imagine that it’s difficult to share some of your difficult experiences. I commend your courage. I haven’t been through what you have. But I do know that your gut (heart) instinct is there to teach you something, to show you something either about yourself, or about your situation. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. It will only lay dormant for awhile (maybe even for many years), until you decide to face it head on.
You have dealt with many traumatic experiences, abuse, suicide, becoming a “parent” to a parent, financial struggles. I don’t know if you have talked to a professional about any of this or if you’ve only relied on David as a sounding board. It’s a lot of responsibility to lay onto teenagers and/or young adults. It sounds like you didn’t have much time to really experience just being a kid. Perhaps you’re just restless and want to experience some of the things that most teenagers did. Sneeking out late. Breaking some rules. Lying to your parents. Maybe you just want to experience some freedom and the ability to learn to rely on yourself. To try to figure things out on your own. Even though David has been a great source of support for you the past 6 years, maybe you’re afraid that you don’t have the skills to do that for yourself. Or maybe, you don’t feel like David is really “The One” for you. It may be one of those answers, or maybe something else entirely.
The only way that you’ll find out the answer to those questions is to sit with them for awhile. Talk to a Professional. Talk to David. Talk to another trusted confidant and friend. Express your fears. Express your feelings of anxiety. What are you afraid of if you and David break up? What are you afraid of if you and David stay together? What do you want for your life? What kind of relationship(s) do you want in your life? The important thing is to learn to listen to your heart “gut” (rather than your mind “logic”) and to be honest with yourself. Hiding from David or yourself will only perpetuate the unanswered questions.
It sounds like these are difficult questions to answer. So be patient with yourself. And ask David to be patient with you too. If he truly loves you, he should want you to be happy regardless of what the answers are. All I know is how much I changed from the ages of 20-25, and then again from 25-30. You are just starting to figure out whom you are and what you want out of life. Give yourself time to figure it out. Don’t jump into anything (even after 6 years) if you don’t feel comfortable or ready in any way. When an answer is right, it feels good in your body and fills you with a sense of peace. When it’s not, you feel badly, and you experience feelings of discomfort, anxiety, and unrest (in your stomach, chest, or throat usually). Your heart and body always tell the truth. Your Truth. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks you “should” do.
Sometimes you have to sit with the questions for days, weeks, months. Keep asking the questions and then go on living your life, doing things that bring you joy, connecting with nature, connecting with God/Source/The Universe. The answers will eventually come. They always do. Trust that your Inner Being knows what is best for you and will show you the way. It loves you and wants what is best for you. Learn to listen carefully. Learn to Trust Your Heart.
Best wishes! I hope you find you answers. Take Care!
DawnJuly 16, 2017 at 10:26 pm #158462
Sorry today was hard for you. But I know your life is not purposeless, especially with your kids in the picture. And for any of you without kids, you still have a purpose as well. We all do. It just takes time to figure it out, if you’re willing to search your heart and soul for the answers. In my opinion, we are all here to learn to give and receive love. As a parent, I know I have learned the most about unconditional love from my kids. No matter what they do or say, I have an unconditional regard for them and know their sweetness and perfection (as I remember them as innocent babies. Sometimes it’s a little harder when they’re teenagers – haha!). Anyways, we need to learn to have that for ourselves as well. We have struggles, challenges, failures. Times when we feel we can’t move forward. Times when we feel so numb that it’s hard for us to get out of bed. The challenge is how do we overcome it and redefine our life. Or better yet, recreate our life. How do we find relief, and start taking steps toward how we want our life to be, rather than accepting where we are? How do we learn to be alone and not feel so lonely? How do we learn to love and accept ourselves (unconditionally) as we are, while still striving to become better versions of ourselves.
One day at a time… Honor your feelings. Feel your feelings. Allow your feelings to teach you. Allow your experiences to teach you more about who you are and what you value in life. Allow your challenges to change you for the better. Even if you have a hard time today doing those things, you can try again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Hopefully, one day it will become easier, and the next even easier. It might take awhile. But there is always hope. Because, you and I and all of us are worth it and worthy of love. Giving and receiving love.
Jeff, If you hadn’t experienced what you are experiencing now, none of us would be here on this thread sharing and caring for you and each other. Even though this is difficult for you, I think this is a beautiful and magical thing that is happening right here. We are all parts of each others’ puzzles, giving and receiving love and helping make the world a little bit better place.
Thanks to all of you who have reached out to Jeff and spoken with your hearts. You have all affected mine. I hope this helps you too Jeff.
And to answer X’s question about if we’re all whole and complete, then why do we need anybody. 1+1=All of Us. We were born with an innate need for love and connection (that’s why babies love to be held). That’s why we need God (or whatever you call it) and that’s why we need each other. Not in a needy way, but in a Loving and Giving Way. I need you because I love you and because I am whole and have so much love to give, I can’t possibly keep it to myself. Find the love within yourself and for yourself, and you will be better able to give it to others.
DawnJuly 16, 2017 at 7:29 pm #158440
Apples333 & Eliana,
You’re right Eliana. Happiness can only come from within. Find your own sense of joy, peace, and happiness through your spirituality/connection to God/Source/The Universe, and your own sense of self-worth and self-love. People can never fill themselves up with possessions or substances or even other people. All of those things are fleeting and can disappear in an instance. Once you’re full on your own, it won’t matter where you live or what you do. You will discover your gifts/talents/purpose, share them with the world, and then everything else will make more sense.
DawnJuly 14, 2017 at 11:21 pm #158222
Hi Jeff and Craig,
Thanks Craig for sharing Al Turtle’s Relationship Map. I think all of us could learn a thing or two from his research and experience. He has many thought provoking ideas of things/behaviors/ideas that help and hurt relationships. I appreciate his insights. Jeff, I think you would too.
Jeff, It is true. Grieving is a long process. It’s not a “wave a magic wand” and you’re over it. You spent time building your relationship with your ex-girlfriend. And it will take time to grieve for the loss of it as well. You will spend much time contemplating the good things about it. That’s ok. It will also be necessary for you to think about the reasons why you broke-up. The things that you didn’t want. The things that you were longing for.
My biggest question for you is Why are you so afraid of being alone? Or what is it about being alone that scares you? Maybe this is an opportunity to get to know yourself better. To learn to love and accept yourself where you are, while striving to become a better version of yourself. I don’t know if you’ve ever done that in your life or not. I just know that it is important to be comfortable in your own skin. Before you jump into another relationship, contemplate just “Dating” yourself. I know it sounds weird. But look for the things that bring you some relief. Bring you some joy. Stop running away from yourself. You might find that you actually enjoy your own company and that you’re a good man whom, someday, some woman is going to feel really lucky to have in her life.
DawnJuly 12, 2017 at 10:15 pm #157852
I just responded to your other post. Now that I’m reading this, I want to add something. If he doesn’t treat you right and doesn’t appreciate you enough, AND doesn’t acknowledge it, then it’s time to move on. You can’t expect someone to change just because you want them to. And NO, you’re not expecting too much. Trust and a sense of safety and security with someone all come from the way that s/he treats you. If you’re not feeling those things now, then that will only get worse when you’re together. People don’t change just because they get married. Their bad habits usually just become more pronounced. Proceed with extreme caution, or run quickly the other way.
Just for you to think about and then really listen to your heart. If it doesn’t feel good even after trying to talk about it/work through it, then it’s not for you…
DawnJuly 12, 2017 at 9:55 pm #157848
It sounds like you’re feeling restless. As someone who moved around a lot my whole life, I understand what it feels like to feel more “at home” in some places than others (for instance, some people prefer city living vs. suburbs/country living or close to the mountains vs. close to the beach). It seems like you want a balance between the comforts of home and friends vs. a new adventure with a new place and people. It also seems like your job(s) have also been unfulfilling too. Sometimes it’s difficult to decide which is the most important thing to focus on: finding a new job, a new place to live, or being close to family and friends. Luckily, with social media, we’re able to contact (and even see via FaceTime, etc.) the people we care about on a more regular basis. You have to figure out which of those things are the most important to you. Where do you get your energy? Where do you feel like you can become a better version of yourself? Where can you fulfill some of your dreams? In what ways/areas of your life do you want to challenge yourself and grow?
Don’t wait to find a husband to find satisfaction in your life. Even if/when you do find a life partner, he will never be able to meet all of your needs. That’s why having friends, close family members, a fulfilling career, and interesting hobbies/passions in your life will make you a better partner. You have to learn to fill yourself up with the things that make you happy so that you can ADD to someone else’s life and make it more rich. And hopefully, he will be able to do the same for you. The more full and interesting your life is, the more someone else will be interested in you too. It’s not that 2 “halves” make a whole in a relationship. It’s that 2 whole people can create something even better and more magnificent.
No one can ever tell you what to do or where to go or what’s best for you. That’s something that only you can do for yourself by getting quiet and really listening to your intuition/heart/soul. It always speaks to you. You just have to be willing to listen. It will always point you to things that make you feel good. Things that bring you joy. You just have to have the courage to ignore your mind (and/or other people) that tells you what you “should” do and, instead, follow your heart that leads you to where you’re meant to go. And remember, even if you end up not liking a decision you make, you can always make a new one. By learning more about what you don’t want, you become more clear about what you do want. There are always lessons to learn along the way.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.
DawnJuly 8, 2017 at 9:29 pm #157124
Of course, you’re feeling lonely and miserable. You still love her and miss her. It will take a lot of time to grieve for this loss. When you break-up with someone, it’s normal to remember all the things you appreciated about them, all the things that brought you together in the first place. But you also need to remember, that you felt lonely and miserable in your relationship with her, as she wasn’t giving you the time, energy, and attention you wanted and deserved. And that is why you chose to break up with her in the first place. It’s difficult even when it’s mutual.
You must honor your feelings of loss. Actually feel sad and lonely. Maybe write them on the page. Find a way to process and express what you’re experiencing right now. The intention is not to share them with anyone (including your ex-girlfriend), but to share them with yourself. To find out more about who you are and what you want. To give you a constructive way to grieve.
In the meantime, try to be patient with yourself. Be kind and loving to and compassionate with yourself. And try to do something each day that makes you feel a little better.
One day at a time. Sometimes, one minute at a time. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this.
DawnJuly 8, 2017 at 4:56 pm #157102
Thank you for your service and for enduring what many people cannot imagine. I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend and I hope that writing about him brings you some peace and honor to your friend and your friendship. I hope that you continue to find ways to grieve and that somehow you find some meaning in your own life despite his death. I think it is very brave of you to talk about your PTSD moments. Maybe others who have similar experiences will find comfort to know that they are not alone in their struggle to redefine their lives once they leave the place where they served.
May you continue to find and use your sanctuary to remind yourself how precious life really is. Never take one day or one moment for granted. And always Appreciate all the blessings in your life, no matter how big or small.
Take Care of yourself.
DawnJuly 5, 2017 at 2:45 pm #156532
If you don’t feel safe expressing your true thoughts and feelings, then you will never have a trusting and safe relationship with him. When you are with someone who “has your back,” even if he disagrees with you, he will still be respectful and listen to your point of view, as well as validate your feelings, even if he does’t understand them. When he refuses to listen to you or have compassion for your struggles and difficulties (even when they involve him), it usually means he is unable to do that for himself. It seems like his family has encouraged the “sweep it under the carpet” mentality and hasn’t taught him to be able to handle difficult situations. Maybe they don’t know how to do it either.
The bottom line is you should not have to tiptoe around your own emotions/thoughts in order to make your partner feel more comfortable (in your discomfort). You should always have enough trust, safety, and security in your relationship so that even difficult discussions will be talked about in a mature manner with both people trying to be sensitive to each other’s needs and trying to be understanding and compassionate, even if they disagree. They should both have a mutual respect and appreciation for each other and should try to be as supportive as possible, rather than trying to shut the other person up, or avoid dealing with the other person’s true thoughts and feelings. In a healthy relationship, both people should feel safe to be whom they truly are, warts and all.
We all want to feel loved and accepted and appreciated, without fear of being made fun of, or pushed away (physically and/or emotionally). If he is unable to do this for you, even after talking to him about this and trying to work things out, then maybe he’s not the right partner for you. Only you can decide the next course of action. Only you can decide what is right for you.
I’m an advocate for trying to work things out. But I also know that sometimes, it’s better to take what you’ve learned and move on. Especially when the other person isn’t willing to take responsibility for his own part. Only you can decide for yourself when that time is.
Good luck. I’ll be holding good thoughts for you.