Home→Forums→Relationships→family & friends who hurt you badly
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August 1, 2017 at 3:56 pm #161654wildoceanflowerParticipant
I am angry with myself today..because i gave my mother the opportunity to hurt me again.
I cant go into the details of everything again, i just feel victimised and then people just feel sorry for how bad things are. Im ashamed of how bad it is. I cant say im proud of my life. I wish i could give it to someone who really would love the things i have.
In my strange and unwanted new world, i spend hours alone. Ive noticed if i drink…i get very depressive thoughts, ive noticed, if i just wait, they will pass through me like clouds. So its good i dont have a twitter account. This is a real revelation, to anyone who has suffered depression and matured, you will know the meaning of this, and get to know yourself. There´s another side to the planet youre on, just like the book “the little prince”. Its way deep.
Some people with real problems i have met in the past, like to keep their mess hidden and submerged away where it leaks or sprays out at key points in their lives in a dramatic way..not me..I like to let the waterfall run until its dry, everyone will know about it.
But i guess i wonder..what if it never stops?! Are we fated people or are we in control of our lives? How much can you change in yourself? Can i believe that i am cursed or is that just ego? How….do i bring the hurt and pain down to a level where i can just see it, accept it and move on?
August 2, 2017 at 9:50 am #161756AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
Welcome back!
You asked: ” How….do i bring the hurt and pain down to a level where i can just see it, accept it and move on?”
First, don’t give the same people who have hurt you before, the opportunity to hurt you again (“i gave my mother the opportunity to hurt me again”)-
If old relationships are the same as before, hurtful as before, change them or end them.
Next, figure out what it is about your life that you cannot change and what it is that you can change, then… have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can (and the wisdom to know the difference!)
anita
August 2, 2017 at 5:01 pm #161806wildoceanflowerParticipantHi Anita,
I dont want to be the person who complains about their parents, but im mad! Their combined behaviour is so messed up i realised only recently. Only through the horrific behaviour of my ex..who i realised echoed some things in my mom.
I got so angry the other day, her aggressive controlling, domineering conversation, her indifference to me..I know that all along, there are cues of backlash because of something i must have done some other time. Its frustrating and tiring trying to keep up with her constant self pity, demands for attention and basically..anger. They want to see me..but when they do..there´s a pattern.
How do i change my relationship with them, this pattern..which then makes ME angry? At the moment my instinct is to dump my family. I am also trying to decide…do i have to approach my friend now to smooth things over? its not fair, but it seems i dont she will simply not even try to fix it..it didnt even have to be so bad, but she has left it for about 6 weeks not talking to me! why are these people so stubborn??
August 3, 2017 at 8:19 am #161882AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
You asked: why are these people (your mother, your friend…) so stubborn??”-
because people are stubborn. Your mother is stubborn about her “constant self pity, demands for attention and basically… anger”,
and you are stubborn about your waiting for her to change.
You can do nothing about her stubbornness, but can you do something about yours?
anita
August 3, 2017 at 1:45 pm #161980wildoceanflowerParticipantHi Anita,
But i am always the forgiving one! I am tired of being so generous for other people´s mistakes and bad temper…i am used to being the smart one who makes the first move, smoothes the way etc, is the better person….i guess because this last relationship failure has left me in real understand that…i have to look out for myself because no one will. My mother can afford to cut everyone off who offends her..as long as my dad continues to feed her needs. He is facilitating her behaviour as her constant champion But it is total blind denial. My friend has also turned to her old friends rather than reaching out to me. I dont understand why they cant be brave for a change and do what i ALWAYS have to do? Are they really weaker than me? because it looks that way.
It just feels like torture really, that others cant be understanding. I think that if they were in my position, they wouldnt be quite as nasty. The resulting silence is making me hate them.
August 4, 2017 at 5:02 am #162072AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
You wrote: “I am tired of being so generous for other people´s… bad temper”- stop being generous this way then. Be stingy that way, take none of others’ bad temper!
“i am used to being the smart one who,,,, smoothes the way… the better person”- the better person, you mean, the submissive person, the one turning the other cheek so to be slapped on both cheeks?
“i have to look out for myself because no one will”- a better plan, I say.
My mother can afford to cut everyone off who offends her” unless a person is literally paying your bills, making food and shelter possible, you too can afford to cut off offending people from your life.
“I dont understand why they cant be brave for a change and do what i ALWAYS have to do? Are they really weaker than me? because it looks that way.”- I don’t understand:
What does “brave” mean to you, in this context?
And what does strength (“weaker”) in this context mean to you?
anita
August 5, 2017 at 1:25 pm #162344wildoceanflowerParticipantHey Anita,
I think being brave is about sucking it up, forgetting your own ego and pride and apologising and really meaning it. Thats all there is to it. Its what we teach kids to do…seems for adults things get personal as they must have the last word.
I DO think they are weaker than me. Not one of them could survive what i have. I dont think any of them would be able to stand the isolation i have had to endure and keep going. My mom is very brave with her opinions at home, but when she complains about other people disagreeing with her it only highlights her arrogance at thinking she must be right. She has always relied on my dad being there to back her up…and to follow her if she storms out! i dont want that kind of relationship myself.
I am still a youngish woman but there is no life for me right now…i feel like such a loser no one wants to talk to, i havent done well. And it wouldnt matter anyway..im too frightened to talk to any guy, i am too afraid of being vunerable. So yes, my boyfriend really destroyed my chances of a good life, a family at a good age to have one…this is going to take years to overcome by which time it will be too late for me.
Anger..is in fact the only thing that can keep me going. And i have learnt to survive my feelings by emptying my mind of anything which seems quite advanced to me…i dont meditate..but i have still moments. I lean into the loneliness and find things to focuss on, in this way i accept what is clearly my fate. But it is not what i ever wanted in life. I have always dreamt of a busy family with animals and friends that i see other people having. In fact, i regularly see other people getting what i always wanted and i have had to hold my feelings back. I have reached saturation point..it MUST be my turn?
I am at an impasse with all 3x people who have hurt me and they wont make a first move. Do i just cut them out of my life? what am i supposed to do when others force me into the role of always being empathic for them but not getting the same in return?
August 6, 2017 at 4:24 am #162464AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
You wrote: “I think being brave is about sucking it up, forgetting your own ego and pride and apologising and really meaning it. Thats all there is to it. Its what we teach kids to do”
I am trying to understand what you mean. Here is an example and please let me know if it is what you mean:
A person is yelling at you and you walk away. The person yells louder to you: “Don’t walk away from me! I am not done yelling at you! I have an hour of more yelling to do!”
You “being brave” and “sucking it up”, “forgetting your own ego and pride” and being an adult about it, answer:
“Please forgive me for walking away; it was my ego and pride. It was childish. I will do the brave, adult thing and stand here, sucking it up as I should, until you are done yelling at me.”
Is that it?
anita
August 6, 2017 at 9:49 am #162520wildoceanflowerParticipantHi Anita, ha ha i see what you did there,
well, no i didnt mean that. I guess i was looking at it basically that when you are in the wrong you should apologise and be the first to make good with the other person, presuming that you actually love them. We all know when we have done wrong, dont we? maybe not all of us when we cant stand the thought of having to back down, therefore the ego.
Maybe they dont see that they have to do anything. Maybe they dont care that i am hurting and alone because they are okay and are busy and successful for now with people around them. Maybe they think if they cant see it, it doesnt exist!! I dont know. I am trying to understand their behaviour.
When i told a friend about how cold my mom has been with me she doesnt get it either. Sadly, i think my mom tells my dad to contact me as is the case now…all communication through him is the wrong thing to do..because he has no empathy! and can sound like he is booking an appointment with me. They both dont deal well with honest talk, bringing something up means a huge emotional fight. My mom really only communicates through high emotion. Everything is swept under the carpet.
I am SOOO angry inside! if it is all my fault then i would gladly just own up but i dont see it..i just wish i could have some peace so i can move on. I still hang on to hope about my ex..i know i shouldnt.
August 7, 2017 at 3:26 am #162620AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
You wrote: “We all know when we have done wrong, dont we?”- people don’t always know when doing something wrong. Often enough wrong is done because of lack of attention, not because of an intention.
“maybe not all of us when we cant stand the thought of having to back down, therefore the ego”- and many people will not admit doing wrong no matter what.
“Maybe they dont care that i am hurting and alone because they are okay”- often the case, people care only about how they feel, turning a blind eye to what others feel, true often, unfortunately, to parents in regard to their children.
“Maybe they think if they cant see it, it doesnt exist!!”- I think so.
“he (your father) has no empathy!… they (your father and mother) dont deal well with honest talk, bringing something up means a huge emotional fight. My mom really only communicates through high emotion. Everything is swept under the carpet. I am SOOO angry inside! ..i just wish i could have some peace”-
I think you are angry because you are still hoping for your parents to change, to attend to how you feel, care about how you feel, communicate honestly with you. You are still trying, still “bringing something up”, still trying. For as long as you are trying, you will stay trapped in that anger.
anita
August 7, 2017 at 4:29 pm #162756wildoceanflowerParticipantHi Anita,
Yes, i see how it just goes in circles. I will never get the answers i want. You cant force people to be kind or loving. I used to think i was capable of being very empathic and understanding of other people. But after the things that have happened, that compound over time, i just feel something integral has been broken..i am a little colder inside. thats sad. I dont feel i could trust anyone again with my heart.
August 8, 2017 at 7:33 am #162820AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
As common as it is (and it is), it is always heart breaking when a child is betrayed, when a child’s trust in her parents (trust in them loving her, having her well-being as first priority) is broken. Many of us never get over it, and “something integral has been broken”, just like you stated.
And then, that brokenness does “compound over time”, in further relationships, like the one you had last with your ex.
As painful as it is, it is important to clearly see the brokenness in that original, first, most important relationships, the ones with our parents, accept it as reality, so that indeed we can move to a better future relationship.
anita
August 10, 2017 at 1:34 pm #163348wildoceanflowerParticipantHi Anita,
I need some help to understand why…i am always left on my own. No one is begging to be in my life, no one in fact cares at all. All of my exes left and just stayed away..not any communication. at. all. My sister has had contact with all her exes, which are fewer than mine and one who begged to come back..she said no.
I get a lot of people saying im so pretty, im so lucky, im so fortunate. But i dont have children to keep my spirits up as a single woman…there is a lot to be said for that! my parents dont seem to want a connection apart from “show” for family and friends. My friends have been fickle all my life..always more for themselves, and gone when a man is in the picture.
I just dont feel anything in the human connection anymore. I can totally see why some women just give up at my age and decide its not for them..pretend im into flowerpressing or something charity…until im too out of touch to care.
No one is going out of their way to help when life has been cruel to me. I noticed today, the girl whose wedding i went to with my ex…right after he told me we were through..is now working for him. I had previously suggested meeting up with her for coffee but she ignored it. Now he is with someone else. I guess she had an instinct i was on the way out…arent people cruel? they have no morals of standing up for whats right. I remember feeling rejected, she was new in town, but had clearly thought i wasnt good enough…and i guess her instincts were right.
August 10, 2017 at 4:48 pm #163364Dawn RParticipantDear wildoceanflower,
You can’t do anything to change your parents’ behavior of you. But you can change how you want to act and react with your parents. When people hurt other people, they are usually disconnected from God/Source, and can’t manage their negative emotions in a healthy and constructive way. They often end up hurting the people they claim to love the most. For you to live your life more joyfully, you need to decide the boundaries that you want to create with your parents (or other friends,etc.). It’s difficult to do at first, but the more you do things that feel good and expansive, rather than bad and oppressive, the more you will crave that in your life. You can decide how much distance or closeness you can accept with these relationships.
As for yourself, I don’t know how old you are. But if you are waiting for children or a man to fulfill you, then you might be waiting a long time. The only person that can fulfill you is YOU (and God/Source). Start looking for things that bring you joy, peace, calm, and a sense of time passing so quickly that you don’t even realize it. Those are the things that will help you create a better life for yourself. The things that will lead you to feeling more fulfilled, valued, worthwhile. Appreciating nature (think long walks, bike rides, hanging out by the beach or lakes or mountains). Feeling the healing energy of the Universe. Do something Creative, like paint, dance, make something with your hands (even cooking a good meal counts!), write, etc. Find out what Rocks Your World! And do some of that Every Day!! Start dreaming about the “perfect life.” What does that look like? More importantly, what does that FEEL like? What will you be doing? How will you be different? How will you feel differently? Focus on creating a new life of your dreams where you are passionate about something(s), where you are honoring your gifts and talents and sharing them with the world. Appreciate your good qualities. Focus on those. Be kind, compassionate, and forgiving of yourself and others. When you are the bigger person, you create more of these qualities in your own life, as well as attracting others who show the same.
What we focus on, we become. Try as much as possible to appreciate and be grateful for the things and people that help you feel good about yourself. Learn to turn away (figuratively and sometimes literally) from the things and people that don’t. Fill yourself up with Love and acceptance. And Focus on What you want more of in your life. Those are some places to start.
Good luck! And take good care of yourself! You’re the most important one to do this for yourself!!
Dawn R.
August 11, 2017 at 6:05 am #163414AnonymousGuestDear wildoceanflower:
You wrote: ” i dont have children to keep my spirits up as a single woman”- I am glad you don’t have children for the purpose of keeping your spirits up. Often children further distress unhappy women, and the mothers get very disappointed that their spirits are not up. Then they proceed to… punish the child for not keeping their spirit up. Wrong motivation to have a child.
As to why people are not motivated to have you in their lives (“why…i am always left on my own. No one is begging to be in my life, no one in fact cares at all. All of my exes left and just stayed away..not any communication. at. all”)-
Maybe you communicate to people that you are angry at them, in words, tone of voice, body language, and for that reason, they are not motivated to approach. People are motivated to stay away from anger, not to want to interact with it. Could that be it?
anita
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