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Thinking about moving back

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #149763

    apples333
    Participant

    My ex and I broke up because I moved away from him. Initially, after college graduation, he moved away from me and it made me so sad and confused. He was from a small town and wanted to move to a big city with his friends. After I had visited this city a few times I started to see how amazing it is and how well it fit him. So I decided to move there without the support of some of my family and friends. I overanalyzed everything when I was there. I didn’t focus on the good but made the bad things way bigger than they needed to be. Sure, my boyfriend wasn’t perfect but he didn’t do anything drastic like cheat or anything. He can just be immature sometimes and not appreciate me. But don’t most boys forget to appreciate their GF’s sometimes! And I also felt like I had to be cherished for moving for him instead of feeling lucky to have this grand adventure with him. My mentality was all messed up. Anyways, I moved back home in less than 6 months thinking it was the right thing and hoping that he would chase after me. Now I have 8 more months left in my lease, he still loves me and I can’t help but feel like I want to move back and give it a better try, mentally and be a little bit more open minded to making new friends. I also had a few other reasons for moving home (sister had a baby, I had to have knee surgery, a better job, and I had major friend FOMO that now I realise was just eh grass is always greener syndrome). I feel like our breakup was unfair and I didn’t work on our problems. I guess I thought I was too young to settle but this guy is anything BUT settling. I want to marry him one day and now I feel like an idiot for moving away instead of creating a life out there. So I have 8 months to make a decision (if he still wants me by then). He has no idea I’m thinking this way since it is so far away. I guess I’m afraid that I’ll move back and things will go south and I’ll make a fool of myself again. Please share your advice! I can’t stop thinking about all the pro’s and con’s and comparing my life. I hope one day I’ll be happy and satisfied. Thank you

    #149787

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apples333:

    You wrote: “I was too young to settle but this guy is anything BUT settling”- do you mean that at this point you are ready to consider him as your future husband but he is not ready to consider you as his future wife? That he is not ready at all to think about marriage?

    If so, it will not be a good idea, I believe, to move to the city again unless the two of you are clear about what each one of you wants from the other and from the relationship. It is time now for you to communicate honestly with him about wants and expectations, before you move (in eight months).

    If you move there again, a positive mentality/ attitude will not last long if the relationship with him is messed up: if you have hopes about the relationship that he doesn’t share, if you hope to marry him but he has no such intentions.

    anita

     

    #149795

    apples333
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita. Your advice really helps. I know that we need to talk about BIG things. Like marriage and a time frame. I don’t think he’ll be ready to make a real plan but he might be ready to just talk about it. I guess I still go back and forth with what I want. If he lived in the same place that I did there wouldn’t be all this pressure to figure it out so soon. I could see him as my husband but I also would want him to change some things. I know I’m not going to find the perfect prince charming and I don’t want that anymore. . . I guess it’s just not a good situation because I have to try and be sure about things and so does he and we aren’t quite ready to decide all that yet. But yes, its good that I have time to figure it out and I can talk to him and be honest about what I want in the future and what he says will determine a lot.

    #149811

    Smile
    Participant

    I think you are letting anxiety and emotions rule your decision making process.

    Why dont you let the relationship grow. Let is grow. Give it time.

    I think you are rushing things.

    #149847

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apples333:

    You are welcome. Not expecting Prince Charming is wise. On the other hand, you do need his honest input before you invest so much as in moving to a city for the purpose of promoting this relationship. No matter how much you correct your attitude and expectations of a man, it takes two to make a relationship work.

    So his input is necessary. You wrote: “I don’t think he’ll be ready to make a real plan but he might be ready to just talk about it”-

    it is fair if he is not ready for a real plan, but it will be unfair for you to invest much time and energy not knowing that he is not ready. So it is your right to ask and his responsibility to answer and share with you his plans, or lack of, with you honestly, his thoughts and feelings as well as the life he is living (if he is dating others, partying, and such, which is not congruent with having a monogamous relationship).

    Communicate and keep communicating just enough so both of you know what is going on with the other, and no one is making incorrect assumptions about the other.

    anita

    #150690

    apples333
    Participant

    I think we do need to have a serious conversation about everything. Are you supposed to know 100% that you want to marry this person? Sometimes I have doubts and wish he would be different. The problem is is that he doesn’t even see that he needs to treat me better or appreciate me more. Even when I tell him exact moments where I feel disrespected or unappreciated it doesn’t change. Or are my standards and expectations too high? Or have I gone too easy on this boy and we have gotten comfortable? I don’t want a perfect guy who only thinks of me all day but I want someone that knows when they have a good thing in their life when they do and will do anything to keep it. But I think it’s only human to take something for granted and always be thinking the grass is always greener.

    We talked and he is thinking about moving here! It’s great! Some of my worries are that I won’t have enough time to date other guys before he moves here. I force myself to date others but I want to be 100% sure I’m in the right relationship. I guess there is no sure thing but if there are red flags in the beginning, I don’t want to look back and be like oh yeah it was obvious! But how do you know? I just want to be with someone not thinking about if this is how a relationship is supposed to be or if there is someone else better for me out there . . . I love him so much but I just want him to see me as a prize and sometimes I don’t feel like that. He is just a man and I know I can’t expect everything from him. it’s just my dad was such a great dad and husband that my sister and I have always had this problem. We are never fully satisfied in our relationships. But my mom says it’s just us not finding a way to be content.

    I know this is a whole other problem but your advice was so good and exactly what I needed to hear, even if I did not want to.

    Thank you

    #150718

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apple333:

    You are welcome. If you want more of my input, can you answer the following:

    1. You wrote that there are times with him that you “feel disrespected or unappreciated (by him). Can you give a few examples of that?

    2. And you wrote: “I just want him to see me as a prize and sometimes I don’t feel like that. ‘- if he treated you like a prize, how would the treatment be, specifically?

    anita

     

     

    #157786

    apples333
    Participant

    This is such a sticky situation. I get why he moved. Young, not quite sure what to do and it’s an amazing city. But there is such a bad stigma on girls moving for boys, especially at the age we are at. I have always felt like I’ve had to gain his respect and keep him intrigued. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life tiptoeing around him hoping that he still wants me after a few years. I don’t know if I’m over analysing. But I also didn’t want him to date me for 7 years and then marry me because I have always been there and this seems right.

    He still might move to me in a few months. But still, I’m not sure. Nothing is definite. He isn’t giving me a straight answer and I’m afraid to even bring it up. I feel like I almost have to play it cool and act like I don’t really care to make him interested. Idk if its the situation or if it’s the way boys minds work. They want to earn something and work hard for it. If I am waiting here, telling him every day that I want him to move here and miss him so much, I think he is the type of boy that would run away from that.

    He still doesn’t know how much I’m worth to him and that makes me feel unappreciated and disrespected. I want someone that is making plans and telling me clearly what they want and how they are going to make it happen. I still feel like an option to him. But I have to be fair because moving for someone is a big deal. And it kind of makes you feel like crap! lol

     

    #157852

    Dawn R
    Participant

    Apples,

    I just responded to your other post.  Now that I’m reading this, I want to add something.  If he doesn’t treat you right and doesn’t appreciate you enough, AND doesn’t acknowledge it, then it’s time to move on.  You can’t expect someone to change just because you want them to.  And NO, you’re not expecting too much.  Trust and a sense of safety and security with someone all come from the way that s/he treats you.  If you’re not feeling those things now, then that will only get worse when you’re together.  People don’t change just because they get married.  Their bad habits usually just become more pronounced.  Proceed with extreme caution, or run quickly the other way.

    Just for you to think about and then really listen to your heart.  If it doesn’t feel good even after trying to talk about it/work through it, then it’s not for you…

    Dawn

    #165140

    apples333
    Participant

    I’m still feeling so regretful on not giving this relationship and the new city a longer chance. I rushed it hoping that I would figure it out quickly before I messed up more of my twenties. I was so focused on what I was losing other than what I would gain from the experience. I just want a time machine to go back! And it is a horrible feeling to live with. I love this guy, I could have made it work. I worked so hard to move there and then so quickly everything happened for me to move back. Now, I feel like I’m just going to regret it all for the rest of my life.

     

    I just wish I could go back. I don’t know if I’m in denial and worried that I’ll never find a guy again that makes me feel amazing and adventurous. I don’t want to live where I am right now even though my family and friends are here.

    The guy right now is trying to get over me it feels like. He visited me a month ago and it was great! But now I feel like he needs space and we are still in this time where either of us knows what to do.

    I just don’t know if I should put down more roots here or just jump and make the leap back to the new city.

     

    #165146

    apples333
    Participant

    Now I have fomo there and miss being in a comfortable relationship that was fun and adventurous.

    #165160

    anita
    Participant

    Dear apples333:

    You’ve lived with the same conflict and dilemma for a long time: to stay where you are or to move. You wrote a few moments ago that you “miss being in a comfortable relationship that was fun and adventurous”, but three months ago you wrote about the same relationship that you “feel disrespected or unappreciated”-

    Reads to me that you don’t want to live where you are living now and moving to the city where he is was not a very promising project months ago and currently as well, meaning your relationship with him was not good enough then or now to make a move a promising move for you.

    anita

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