May 17, 2017 at 2:09 pm #149763
My ex and I broke up because I moved away from him. Initially, after college graduation, he moved away from me and it made me so sad and confused. He was from a small town and wanted to move to a big city with his friends. After I had visited this city a few times I started to see how amazing it is and how well it fit him. So I decided to move there without the support of some of my family and friends. I overanalyzed everything when I was there. I didn’t focus on the good but made the bad things way bigger than they needed to be. Sure, my boyfriend wasn’t perfect but he didn’t do anything drastic like cheat or anything. He can just be immature sometimes and not appreciate me. But don’t most boys forget to appreciate their GF’s sometimes! And I also felt like I had to be cherished for moving for him instead of feeling lucky to have this grand adventure with him. My mentality was all messed up. Anyways, I moved back home in less than 6 months thinking it was the right thing and hoping that he would chase after me. Now I have 8 more months left in my lease, he still loves me and I can’t help but feel like I want to move back and give it a better try, mentally and be a little bit more open minded to making new friends. I also had a few other reasons for moving home (sister had a baby, I had to have knee surgery, a better job, and I had major friend FOMO that now I realise was just eh grass is always greener syndrome). I feel like our breakup was unfair and I didn’t work on our problems. I guess I thought I was too young to settle but this guy is anything BUT settling. I want to marry him one day and now I feel like an idiot for moving away instead of creating a life out there. So I have 8 months to make a decision (if he still wants me by then). He has no idea I’m thinking this way since it is so far away. I guess I’m afraid that I’ll move back and things will go south and I’ll make a fool of myself again. Please share your advice! I can’t stop thinking about all the pro’s and con’s and comparing my life. I hope one day I’ll be happy and satisfied. Thank youMay 17, 2017 at 8:24 pm #149787
You wrote: “I was too young to settle but this guy is anything BUT settling”- do you mean that at this point you are ready to consider him as your future husband but he is not ready to consider you as his future wife? That he is not ready at all to think about marriage?
If so, it will not be a good idea, I believe, to move to the city again unless the two of you are clear about what each one of you wants from the other and from the relationship. It is time now for you to communicate honestly with him about wants and expectations, before you move (in eight months).
If you move there again, a positive mentality/ attitude will not last long if the relationship with him is messed up: if you have hopes about the relationship that he doesn’t share, if you hope to marry him but he has no such intentions.
anitaMay 17, 2017 at 9:20 pm #149795
Thank you, Anita. Your advice really helps. I know that we need to talk about BIG things. Like marriage and a time frame. I don’t think he’ll be ready to make a real plan but he might be ready to just talk about it. I guess I still go back and forth with what I want. If he lived in the same place that I did there wouldn’t be all this pressure to figure it out so soon. I could see him as my husband but I also would want him to change some things. I know I’m not going to find the perfect prince charming and I don’t want that anymore. . . I guess it’s just not a good situation because I have to try and be sure about things and so does he and we aren’t quite ready to decide all that yet. But yes, its good that I have time to figure it out and I can talk to him and be honest about what I want in the future and what he says will determine a lot.May 18, 2017 at 3:07 am #149811
I think you are letting anxiety and emotions rule your decision making process.
Why dont you let the relationship grow. Let is grow. Give it time.
I think you are rushing things.May 18, 2017 at 8:57 am #149847
You are welcome. Not expecting Prince Charming is wise. On the other hand, you do need his honest input before you invest so much as in moving to a city for the purpose of promoting this relationship. No matter how much you correct your attitude and expectations of a man, it takes two to make a relationship work.
So his input is necessary. You wrote: “I don’t think he’ll be ready to make a real plan but he might be ready to just talk about it”-
it is fair if he is not ready for a real plan, but it will be unfair for you to invest much time and energy not knowing that he is not ready. So it is your right to ask and his responsibility to answer and share with you his plans, or lack of, with you honestly, his thoughts and feelings as well as the life he is living (if he is dating others, partying, and such, which is not congruent with having a monogamous relationship).
Communicate and keep communicating just enough so both of you know what is going on with the other, and no one is making incorrect assumptions about the other.