Dear Homi:

You wrote about your thoughts: “i understand them and i know that are not good at all”- thoughts and images in our brains, these are mostly automatic mental events, we do not choose them. Because we don’t choose them, and because by themselves they do not benefit or harm others, they are neither good nor bad. It is our behavior, what we express, say and do that is subject to choice, and therefore to an evaluation of benefit vs harm, good vs bad.

In your first paragraph you evaluated yourself to be a coward because you are too afraid to follow society’s conventional thinking about how to live life, on one hand, and on the other, you are afraid to live differently from societal conventional thinking.

I don’t think you are a coward, unless you think all humans are cowards, every single one.

We are all afraid.

In your second paragraph you wrote: “i find myself in a scenarios where i do terrible things to humanity, just because i want all the ”problems” gone with humans along..”

Humanity is so messed up, the thought is, isn’t it- that better destroy it and start from the beginning, correct? Build a better humanity from scratch?

I suggest the Middle Way: you don’t have to follow all of societal conventions or none at all: you don’t have to display aggressive behavior, “go to work, finish the faculty, get a better job (more like in domain), get married, make kids, raise them, etc.,”  OR “retreat in nature to live with the nature by myself “-

Not All OR Nothing but the middle way. Evaluate each conventions over time and decide for yourself, make your own thoughtful choices. Do retreat into nature, for a few hours, a day, this is doable- get a feel for it. Evaluate. Continue to experience, experiment and evaluate.

anita