Anita,

The reason I say that is actually because of what other people have told me, what they have observed. I’ve always felt like I was a darker person, and when I say that I mean, for as long as I can remember depression has always been in my life. Very mildly at times but there was always something there. I thought maybe its just my personality, maybe I was just a pessimist, “a realist,”  and I never recognized negative self talk was a default for me. I was always a loner growing up, always felt misunderstood, uncomfortable and not confident in myself. So when people would tell me that I had everything seemingly ‘together’ I would always be surprised. I would think to myself, “you have no idea how much I wish I had self-confidence that other’s around me seem to have” or “why do I worry and think so much? I wish i could stop it.” I minimize my accomplishments and have never been able to accept compliments well. I would always tell people “psssh, I haven’t done anything special that someone else could not have done better.” And that’s sad. I follow everything positive I do with a negative comment, or downplay it. To me I always wasn’t doing good enough, I could always do more…I felt sad, lonely, confused, & less than. But on the outside I was cool as a cucumber. I even had someone in a group therapy session tell me “I would never have guessed you struggle with depression because you seem so carefree and full of life.” Crazy!

It’s not until I reach moments where I’m about to completely collapse or fall apart that people notice I have a problem. Then I guess, I just appear erractic. Part of that is my fault though, because I don’t open up until its a little too late. Not a lot of people see the darker side of me ( I don’t have close friends).  So idk, to answer your question, how I manage to appear calm to others…maybe I’m just good at wearing a mask, ignoring myself…but I’ve done it for a long time.