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Cruzzie

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)
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  • #208403
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I reflect on everything I experience. Spiritual arrogance…I want to avoid falling into that trap.

    #207815
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Bob,

    Thank you so much. I’m really taking everything you just wrote to heart. You understand. I do feel like I’m on the right path, my practice is deepening everyday. I’m actually starting to see the struggles and sufferings I’ve experienced, which I used to resent and carry a lot of anger about, as absolute necessities to get me to where I am now. It just gets difficult to navigate societal life at the same time while all of this is happening within.

    #207671
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Tuxbsel

    Yes. It is like you say, very lonely. But not lonely in the sense that know one is around, lonely in the sense that I look at what others are doing and I see that I was once like that and now I’m not anymore. It is very hard to engage with “that world” now, like I’m seeing what others don’t seem to. And I have become so much more empathetic and compassionate, moved by the beauty of simple and small things…it’s almost overwhelming sometimes how much joy moves through me, it literally brims over the top, spilling out and I end up in tears (or at least have a deep emotional response) a lot of the time —very happy  tears. And over things that people take for granted or do not see or think to see going about a normal day. The other day I felt so grateful that I had a bed after seeing a homeless man on my way to work. I was so happy.

    My sister also said something the other day…she said “I was different, behaving rudely lately.” I had done nothing to her. I guess she just sees how I’m not so excited about things people prepoccupy themselves with. Like I said I don’t see the point, my perspective is so different. This is happening, not often, but others can’t figure out why I “don’t want to play the game” is the best way I can put it. They seem uncomfortable with my content.

     

    Apologizing for all all the typos!

    #166176
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Diarmaid,

    That was so beautiful, thank you for sharing that with me. I’m not used to seeing negative emotions as something that is or can be “positive.”Sometimes I come out of meditation and my underlying mood is worse and I cry, and I don’t mean a few tears, it is like the my dog just died sobbing type of crying. I do feel release afterwards but the moods linger sometimes too. Sometimes I’ll go to sleep afterwards because I feel emotionally drained or I’ll just feel numb or spaced out. I just don’t know if it is progress. It could just be that I can’t see how this can be progress either, coming from the prospective of someone who has been depressed for a lot of their life. Very strange happenings.

    I went to a meditation center this past weekend, and I bought some books. The more I read and learn about meditation and spiritual practice the more I feel kind of overwhelmed and I don’t want to say “ashamed” but I suppose I see a lot of my faults and it sucks! Some of the concepts of Buddhism are very hard to swallow.

    Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your kindness, it has helped me.

    #165362
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Pearce,

    I appreciate the response either way. You have offered great advice and insight previously so thank you for that. Have a good evening.

    #165360
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Humanoid,

    Thank you. I will check out the videos. And I feel like “blah blah blah” is an understatement of my mind! I know the meditation will help and has helped, which is why I’ve stuck with it. I’m just afraid…you know? Its new, the feelings are unpleasant.

    #165358
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Anita (the wise one)

    Thank you again. I feel better just knowing you reply to anything I post because you offer the best advice. You said that awful word, FEAR. I can tell you I definitely feel a lot of that. I’m just a mess sometimes and I think to myself “why can’t I get this life thing right?” Meditation is helping me look at things differently by facing a lot feeling…the unpleasant ones. I’m just scared. I don’t know how else to describe this.

    #165354
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Thank you. I definitely feel different. I’ve felt a lot of feelings that I don’t think I’ve experienced in this (new, I guess you could call it ) way in my entire life…not just with the meditation but because of all dramatic shifts in my life too. I just feel different, almost like I’ve woken up for the first time in my life. It is all very confusing and scary, and not knowing what I want or what I want to do next in unnerving. Its like I’m meeting the real me for the first time if that makes sense?? There have been a lot extreme lows and aha moments. I’m starting to learn about acceptance and resistance. And fear, jeez…might as well be my best friend. I don’t know that I expected meditation to make me feel better necessarily but I’m not sure if it’s just making me more aware of a lot of buried sadness & pain. I guess I’m wondering is this normal?? to feel raw and over time become familiar with the emotions enough to be able to observe them without reacting so strongly or getting overwhelmed & stuck in them. I just don’t know A LOT and like all things in my life I’m probably overthinking this too…*sigh**

    #163466
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I am sorry that happened. I really appreciate you telling me though, takes a lot of guts. I am glad you are now able to look at the situation differently, it’s inspiring and it gives me hope. Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart Bobbie.

    #163214
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Bobbie,

    Thank you so much. Everything you said struck home for me. I agree with everything you said, and it makes me feel relieved that you understand what I’m going through. I was thinking (and crying, again) a lot today, trying to ‘figure out’ my anger, and I have to tell you it HURTS and it SUCKS. I absolutely hate feeling like this. But my feeling are real, they are valid, and it is also okay for me to feel them.

    I don’t want to blame my ex and say everything is her fault. Yes, her actions hurt me but I forgive her. I get angry and some days it’s easier to paint her as the villain, but that isn’t helping me. It also just doesn’t feel right because it doesn’t align with the kind of person I am. I don’t hold grudges or hold hate in my heart, and I never want to. It’s just the pain and disappointment that I feel. I want to feel compassion for her, and I desperately need to feel it for myself even more.

    When I asked whether it was my fault that I got hurt, what I think I was getting at was what you talked about with boundaries. I don’t think I set boundaries that honored myself in that relationship. That makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed sometimes. I just can’t believe I allowed some of the things to happen that did in the relationship…but then again, I did give my heart fully to someone else and that is BRAVE. I believe in love, and I give everything for the people I care about. I just gave my heart to the wrong person. Heart wrenching lesson to learn (and honestly I hate having to learn it like this) but hopefully I can feel grateful for it some day. I want to. Emotions are just so raw right now. I’m all over the place a lot of days still.

    Thank you again. I feel like I was speaking to a close friend reading your replies. You really have helped me.

    #163164
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Do you think its my fault for allowing someone to hurt me? Like I know I can’t control what someone else does, but I should have stood up for myself and I should have paid attention to the red flags. In that I failed. So maybe my anger is unwarranted towards the person who I feel hurt me? I invited it this person to hurt me in a way. And don’t I have control over my own feelings? I’m not saying that what my ex-partner did was excusable but I didn’t do anything about it…because I wanted things to work. I wanted to believe they would get better, because I was blinded by love. And that is my fault.

    #163144
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I’m 27. And I don’t know that I’m all that smart because I let someone hurt me so badly and I’m just realizing all the terrible lies they told me. I keep thinking about all the horrible things they did to me and all the lies they fed me, and it makes feel full of anger…but really at the end it’s just a lot of pain. I’m in disbelief that a person who claimed they loved me could ever do such things. It makes me feel shitty, you know…

    #162428
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I’ve spent the day in bed sleeping, crying, stuck with my bad thoughts. Today just feels so awful, everything I’ve been trying to do to get better just seems like it’s lost and I’m back to my dark place again. I thought about dying again and not wanting to live. I feel totally out of control…and I don’t want this. It’s like it’s all coming back like it was before I got admitted earlier this year. I had a feeling of hopelessness that terrifies me bc if I continue like this I’ll spiral bad into major depression and idk if I can handle that again. I’m scared it will kill me this time. Idk why it keeps coming back… I’m trying so hard. Today I just couldn’t fight

    #162328
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I’m weak and I hate myself right now.

    #158844
    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Pearce,

    I did read your last reply to my other topic, thank you. You are very gifted in not only showing me a  different perspective but in helping lift my spirits. You have so much positive advice, wisdom and strength.

    From your reply, I was able to see that I am seeking an answer as to “why”my ex did what she did and also the how (“how could she have done what she did?”)  And you are right, I cannot ever understand, only she can. It’s not up to me to understand.  I need to focus on learning from the pain.

    Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 26 total)