As someone who has meditated for 2 years anywhere from 1-5hrs/day, (so still a newbie), I always go to Pema Chodron when I am confused and she would say this: Why do we meditate? we do not meditate to feel good (shockwaves) if the purpose of meditation was to feel good, most of us would feel we were doing it wrong most of the time!! The purpose it not to feel bad, however, you’ll be glad to know, but rather an open, attentive, compassionate attitude to whatever is going on. Like a big sky, allowing alot of room, for anything to arise, dwell and pass away. Good and comfortable and pleasing and difficult, painful and unwanted, all of this… So the essence is training in something pretty radical and not the habitual pattern of the species, and that is to stay with ourselves no matter what is happening, without putting on top of it good and bad, right and wrong, pure and impure. So if meditation was about just about feeling good, I think all of us secretly hope that is what it is about!! Therefore a very common experience of the meditator is in a typical day when your feeling bored, restless, when your mind is hurting, you feel like you must be doing it wrong, because it is a difficult experience, so that is the main thing to keep in mind!! It is not about feeling good it is about a compassionate openness, or an ability to be with oneself and one’s situation through all kinds of experience. So whatever life presents you with, you are open to that and this is pretty radical!! To this I would add it sounds like you came to meditation with the goal that it would help with your depression, there are no goals in meditation, it is what it is.  So to ask is this good or bad is dualistic thinking, and a form of judging, because of your goal…. I know this was deep, but I hope it helps, my advice is stick with it, it takes a lot of courage to spend time with oneself!!!! Good Luck!

Dear Cruzzie, to build on the great advice above, let me simply recommend the book Joyful Wisdom by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. Not only does it include fantastic guidance on meditating, but his stories surrounding his own journey struggling with meditation will be a great help to you.

Also check him out on YouTube. ( He has many videos) He has a wonderful manner and his voice never fails to raise a smile, which in itself is a powerful tonic when we have had a bad day. You can find him here https://youtu.be/5GSeWdjyr1c

One small piece of advice from me. Whilst meditating try learn to simply be the observer of your thoughts and feelings.  With practise you can watch both good and bad thoughts and feelings come and go with some detachment. Eventually you see it’s just part of your brain generating all this nonsense and you can look on without any attachment. Eventually these thoughts and feelings just fade away into the background and your mind becomes a tool to be used when necessary, not something that needs to be going “blah blah blah” all day and taken so seriously.

Good luck

Hey Cruzzie,

I think you are very insightful and doing some serious investigation! Often people who have suffered a lot in life are drawn to meditation and really stick with it because life has provided a rude awakening, and that sounds like what is happening for you, it is called shunyata, or emptiness, groundlessness, or feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you. While it is very scary, and unnerving, it could also be the beginning of a beautiful relationship with yourself, loving and accepting yourself for everything you are with unconditional friendliness and steadfast loyalty no matter what. Initially meditation will make you aware of buried sadness and pain. This pain has always been there but because of the noise in your life/head, (and not being still) it could not be heard or truly felt, but it has been trying to be heard and it would have been showing up (sideways) in your life whether you noticed it or not… So the crying may be healing and cleansing, that needs to take place, but the good news is it is healthy. So initially meditation can bring a lot of confusion and can feel claustrophobic, but this slowly turns into more clear seeing and spaciousness.

I like that you said fear might as well be your best friend. How would you treat your best friend? Would you smile at them and welcome them in, ask them how they are doing today, offer them a drink, make them comfortable? As you move closer to yourself you are going to experience raw feeling and emotions for sure, but here, the instruction is to drop the story line and stay with the breathe or energy. Remember emotions are just energy we attach a story line to, without the story line the emotion can only last 1min 30s in the body. Try to stay at the pre-verbal level, what is going on there? You may find anxious feeling are actually excitement misinterpreted….

While I was reading this it immediately reminded me of Rumi, who puts it so beautifully:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jellaludin Rumi,

There is peace inside of you. It a tangible place of calm. All of the emotions that are surfacing are old, stuck emotional patterns that are surfacing to be healed. You can move through them without engaging them. Let them pass through like a wave and you will find your center. You have a core of peace and love. One way to connect to your truth is to say,  “I love who I am.” This phrase can help you observe the emotions while letting them pass through and not engage them.

Blessings,

Alison