May 15, 2018 at 7:54 pm #207533
Im going to try to explain this the best way I can. Ever since I started become spiritual (about 1 year ago), I’ve noticed how much I’ve changed. I love everything about my Buddhist practice, it has open up my eyes…truly. I have deep reflections and revelations, break throughs, very regularly. I feel like I’m picking up momentum in my shift. It’s great. However, there are still moments of sudden and very deep lows. I expect this and I’ve really understand the concept of “it doesn’t matter how much you fall, be proud you got up.” What I’m most curious about though is, because I’ve changed so much, I’m unable to look at and do things in life that I once enjoyed. They just seem mindless, pointless…I’ll give an example. The idea of watching tv or keeping up with the latest Netflix hit, seeking entertainment and the like —no real interest anymore. Even topics of conversations between people. I feel really disengaged unless they are talking about spiritual things and the likes. Life seems duller. I enjoy doing nothing sometimes…and all the things I used to be so pumped to do, I’m just like eh. I don’t care. Sometimes I’m completely content with being lazy but then I get this feeling that I’m missing out, and that I should be doing something. Sometimes I get depressed about it. And I wish I was doing something. It’s very back and forth. But I don’t get excited as much, I’m more serious. Is this just depression wearing a mask?
Anyone, thoughts?May 16, 2018 at 3:32 am #207643
Welcome back, good to read from you!
Your new post, here, is consistent with your last posting August last year, almost ten months ago. You wrote there: “I just feel different, almost like I've woken up for the first time in my life… It's like I'm meeting the real me for the first time”. On this thread you wrote: “because I've changed so much, I'm unable to look at and do things in life that I once enjoyed”- consistent and believable, that you indeed changed so much.
Yet, we don't change completely, that is, we can't undo all the many neuropathways in our brain, not in a year, that is for sure. Painful experiences of the past, especially in childhood, are still there, recorded in many thousands of pathways, connections in the brain. Painful experiences of the past (recorded in our brain) get activated in the present, giving you, I believe, those “moments of sudden and very deep lows”.
I relate to your disinterest in TV/ movies. I haven't watched TV for more than four years. I lost interest in TV, movies, books because I can see so much make-believe thinking in movies and books, so much fiction in what is supposedly non-fiction.
In my case, not watching TV, not getting excited about entertainment is not me being depressed. It is about wanting to continue to improve my thinking, to continue to learn about what is real and not dilute my learning with thinking that is untrue to reality.
anitaMay 16, 2018 at 4:13 am #207655
Interestingly enough, I was having a conversation similar to this recently. The conversation, in a nutshell, surrounded around the fact that an awakening is a lonely, personal thing. A time where many changes in perspective, and priorities, happen. During this time, one can feel alone, depressed, etc in trying to figure out why you don't feel the same way about things you once did. That is the beauty of awakening. Personally, I can sit quietly and be mindful of my surroundings and really enjoy it. I can view things that I, and many others, deemed as important as not so important anymore. I can watch people act in the way I used to and wish they understood what I now understand. (by the way, it is still hard to talk to people who don't understand which I think is where the loneliness/depression part of the path comes into play). But through it all, I am much happier, calmer, empathetic, and grateful with each passing day. I live my life through example hoping others see the beauty of life and I hope someday they can participate. The more people that can awaken, the more we become connected rather than feeling disconnected. It took a while for me to be purely happy as I too had feelings of dullness and solitude. People accused me of having no emotions anymore. The reality was I was not putting effort into the things that didn't require or deserve my attention anymore. My focus went to more important things like meditation, mindfulness, and connection to the universe. This is where true happiness, love and gratitude lie. After all, if things aren't different, are you really awakening?May 16, 2018 at 5:21 am #207671
Yes. It is like you say, very lonely. But not lonely in the sense that know one is around, lonely in the sense that I look at what others are doing and I see that I was once like that and now I’m not anymore. It is very hard to engage with “that world” now, like I'm seeing what others don’t seem to. And I have become so much more empathetic and compassionate, moved by the beauty of simple and small things…it’s almost overwhelming sometimes how much joy moves through me, it literally brims over the top, spilling out and I end up in tears (or at least have a deep emotional response) a lot of the time —very happy tears. And over things that people take for granted or do not see or think to see going about a normal day. The other day I felt so grateful that I had a bed after seeing a homeless man on my way to work. I was so happy.
My sister also said something the other day…she said “I was different, behaving rudely lately.” I had done nothing to her. I guess she just sees how I’m not so excited about things people prepoccupy themselves with. Like I said I don’t see the point, my perspective is so different. This is happening, not often, but others can’t figure out why I “don’t want to play the game” is the best way I can put it. They seem uncomfortable with my content.
Apologizing for all all the typos!May 16, 2018 at 5:59 am #207695
I know exactly how you feel. I can sit and become overwhelmed with emotion. I used to think I was having emotional breakdowns when I started crying for no reason; overcome with emotional connection to the universe. You are seeing things in a way few can. Others will call you names but forgive them as they know not the beauty you have come to realize. Lead through example and soon they will long for what you have awakened to. You are “engaging” in the world differently, that is for sure. You are engaging in a world where you can differentiate between what was important (and ask yourself was that stuff really important) and what is now important for your soul. We all enter this world with nothing but Love. Society engages us and we develop to where we think we should fit in with everyone else and believe what everyone else thinks. When we awaken, we realize that society has most of it wrong which is why we have wars, financial imbalance, poverty, etc. Awaken people start to look back at what Love is and what it means to be empathetic and exist in what we came for…….move our souls forward and live life in Love. This is difficult for others to identify with as they still see the things you used to see as important, as important. I would say you are on the path you should be, you just haven't fully acknowledged you are there. That is society trying to make you believe otherwise. Stay on track and let the universe guide you. Everyone you meet and everything that happens is the universe pushing you toward your souls purpose. It is the people who fight it are the ones who really can't move forward. Meditate and get in touch with the universe and listen to the messages, truly listen. You will find what you are feeling is what is needed to move forward, even if it is uncomfortable in the beginning.
BobMay 16, 2018 at 3:39 pm #207815
Thank you so much. I’m really taking everything you just wrote to heart. You understand. I do feel like I’m on the right path, my practice is deepening everyday. I’m actually starting to see the struggles and sufferings I’ve experienced, which I used to resent and carry a lot of anger about, as absolute necessities to get me to where I am now. It just gets difficult to navigate societal life at the same time while all of this is happening within.