Hi Cruzzie,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Being emotionally attached with someone who has caused hurt is such a difficult and painful thing to go through. Thoughts like this person was the one, or they were perfect for us can also hurt us because they make us hold on to hope (if they were the one, they must come back) and stop us from moving forwards with our life. If this person has made the decision to no longer be part of your life, then she is not the one.

I have also gone through the phase of interpreting sings of the person I am emotionally attached to (still sort of going through it) and for me I think it was searching for something to attach hope to ( I saw her name on a shop sign, that must mean something) because the alternative is painful.

What has helped me in this process is admitting that she met certain needs of mine, for connection and for closeness, admitting that I had those needs, and actively trying to meet those needs (to an extent) by increasing the time I spent with friends, increasing the depth of conversations I had with other people, expressing my needs more to friends/family.

I’m sorry I don’t have more definitive/more hopeful input. It sucks, but hang in there, be mindful of your thoughts and of your needs and try to meet them actively.

Best,

M

Hi Cruzzie,

I hope that today you are finally getting the answers you deserve and through those answers you are well on the way to the loving, happier life you deserve. I am not sure what the motivations are for someone to hurt another. I don’t think it is one thing either, I’m sure it is a multitude of reasons. Regardless, hurting someone seems to come out of nowhere when we least expect it, and, we just don’t need it. I am not sure if you read a previous response I had for you in a previous post, but look at that again. If not, remind me and I shall post it again for you. You really don’t need to “identify what is causing my sadness so I can let it go” because you already have-you are a loving soul that got hurt. Period. The reason(s) for that that having happened can only come from the person who hurt you. There have been some moments that I have been hurt and wanted to know from the person, why. Then I realized why would I want to ask someone who hurt me, why they did that, only to hear the answer justified by the conjunction,”because.” It took awhile for me to understand that when my ex(es) hurt me in such a way that it seemed as having been done so without a conscience, I was actually walking through a door that eventually would lead me to being with someone who genuinely cared and loved me. At first it was hard from to see what it was that I was moving toward after walking through that door because the hurt clouded my vision of where I wanted to go. So when I realized that where I wanted to go became more clear, because I let go, the present state I was in became more clear and exciting and that my journey was clear because it was not clouded with “what could have been.” I actually thanked my exes for letting me go because I was able to make myself available to discover new things and allow some amazing people in my life. I could move forward with a never again mentality. Some hurts did happen but to a much lesser degree because I was aware, I had knowledge. I think that people who hurt another with whom they are involved with do so out of many reasons, self-centeredness, ego, inconsideration, whatever. What happens when you step on a piece of glass? You become aware of two choices: (1) leave it in and let your foot get infected, or, (2) remove it and allow the healing process to begin. Just because you are still hurt does not mean you are chained to “what was.”  “Everywhere I turn and look, there is a reminder from the universe that she is there…” is also a reminder that you no longer are available to her, but are available to be loved. You most certainly deserve love.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by PearceHawk.

Dear Cruzzie:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words of appreciation!

Regarding thoughts and feelings about a past relationship, people tend to focus on the loving parts and continue to long for the person with whom that love was experiences… forgetting the hurtful, unloving parts. My suggestion was to complete the thoughts and feelings about a past relationship with all that it was, keeping real that way.

anita