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How do you deal with anger?

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Bobbie 4 months ago.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • #163136

    Cruzzie
    Participant

    How do you effectively deal with anger, frustration & hurt? Perhaps from someone that you feel has betrayed and injured you emotionally (that’s my case, but it could be from anything). I just want to hear what you do that works…maybe I can learn something new or better that I haven’t been trying.

    #163142

    serenity
    Participant

    dear cruzzie,

    there is no great way to deal with emotions. can you explain whats going on so i can help you out cause if there are certain things happening i can give better advice on it. i also wounder how old you are if you dont mind telling. you seem like a very smart girl i can help but im going to need the bigger picture.

    love,

    serenity

    #163144

    Cruzzie
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m 27. And I don’t know that I’m all that smart because I let someone hurt me so badly and I’m just realizing all the terrible lies they told me. I keep thinking about all the horrible things they did to me and all the lies they fed me, and it makes feel full of anger…but really at the end it’s just a lot of pain. I’m in disbelief that a person who claimed they loved me could ever do such things. It makes me feel shitty, you know…</p>

    #163150

    Peter
    Participant

    I think in dealing with anger we need to accept it as a valid emotion and experience. There is a time for all things.

    You were hurt, it sucks, and its appropriate to feel some anger over what happened. The question then becomes what do you do with those feelings.

    Acting out of anger would more likely to be a reaction to the experience then a response to it. And in reaction there is always a danger in becoming stuck in in anger where we become a victim to all that befalls us.

    All emotions serve a purpose and anger contains the energy within it to address the issue to which the anger points to. That energy however can also be turned against ourselves and deplete us so we need to make our anger as conscious as possible and use the energy wisely.

    #163164

    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Do you think its my fault for allowing someone to hurt me? Like I know I can’t control what someone else does, but I should have stood up for myself and I should have paid attention to the red flags. In that I failed. So maybe my anger is unwarranted towards the person who I feel hurt me? I invited it this person to hurt me in a way. And don’t I have control over my own feelings? I’m not saying that what my ex-partner did was excusable but I didn’t do anything about it…because I wanted things to work. I wanted to believe they would get better, because I was blinded by love. And that is my fault.

    #163178

    Bobbie
    Participant

    Hi Cruzzie,

    I agree with everything Peter said.  To answer your question if it is your fault for allowing someone to hurt you: NO WAY!:)

    If someone hurts us it doesn’t mean we were “too stupid” to see it coming, or for letting it happen.  It just means that person failed to honor your trust and vulnerability.

    As for your anger…lean into it, as Peter described, but don’t allow yourself to wallow in it.  Avoid the mind train…playing scenarios over and over in your head…justifying how you were victimized, how wrong the person who hurt you was…that whole tape we love to play over and over in your ur heads… that’s where chronic anger takes hold.  That kind of anger hurts us because it blocks compassion.  Compassion for ourselves, and compassion for the ones who hurt us.

    The person who hurt you: they made a horrible mistake…they may not even consider it a mistake right now or ever, but we can feel compassion for a person who never learned the value of human connection and vulnerability.  You gave a second chance and the one you gave it to blew it… it hurts like hell…I know, but that’s all it is.

    As for you, let yourself feel the pain…then acknowledge the bravery it takes to be vulnerable with someone you want to connect with AND STAY BRAVE!  “Broken hearts are the ones that let the light in”

    Love the lessons your pain teaches you and you won’t live in fear.  Stay loving and open girl!  I honor that in you and in me…it makes us strong, not weak.

    #163180

    Bobbie
    Participant

    Hey Cruzzie…I forgot one major thing.  We all need to set clear healthy boundaries when we enter in a relationship.

    Behavior that crosses the boundaries should be called out, and we need to honor those for example.

    “If you hurt me again in that way, I love myself too much to stay in this relationship”.  If it happens again, we must honor our own word, otherwise we can’t expect anyone else to honor it.

    maybe this relationship was meant to teach you how to grow into learning what your healthy boundaries are… and in that case, we can sit in gratitude for the person who hurt you.  They allowed you to grow in a way you never would have without them.

    #163214

    Cruzzie
    Participant

    Bobbie,

    Thank you so much. Everything you said struck home for me. I agree with everything you said, and it makes me feel relieved that you understand what I’m going through. I was thinking (and crying, again) a lot today, trying to ‘figure out’ my anger, and I have to tell you it HURTS and it SUCKS. I absolutely hate feeling like this. But my feeling are real, they are valid, and it is also okay for me to feel them.

    I don’t want to blame my ex and say everything is her fault. Yes, her actions hurt me but I forgive her. I get angry and some days it’s easier to paint her as the villain, but that isn’t helping me. It also just doesn’t feel right because it doesn’t align with the kind of person I am. I don’t hold grudges or hold hate in my heart, and I never want to. It’s just the pain and disappointment that I feel. I want to feel compassion for her, and I desperately need to feel it for myself even more.

    When I asked whether it was my fault that I got hurt, what I think I was getting at was what you talked about with boundaries. I don’t think I set boundaries that honored myself in that relationship. That makes me feel pathetic and embarrassed sometimes. I just can’t believe I allowed some of the things to happen that did in the relationship…but then again, I did give my heart fully to someone else and that is BRAVE. I believe in love, and I give everything for the people I care about. I just gave my heart to the wrong person. Heart wrenching lesson to learn (and honestly I hate having to learn it like this) but hopefully I can feel grateful for it some day. I want to. Emotions are just so raw right now. I’m all over the place a lot of days still.

    Thank you again. I feel like I was speaking to a close friend reading your replies. You really have helped me.

    #163446

    Bobbie
    Participant

    Thank you Cruzzie!  I always find I feel more centered when I can hold someone’s hand when they are struggling.  My husband had an affair 4 years ago… coming up on the anniversary of the day I found out and our conversation has helped me reaffirm the forgiveness and pushing away the any fear that likes to creep up every now and again.   I feel blessed, thank you for that!!!!

    #163466

    Cruzzie
    Participant

    I am sorry that happened. I really appreciate you telling me though, takes a lot of guts. I am glad you are now able to look at the situation differently, it’s inspiring and it gives me hope. Thank you very much from the bottom of my heart Bobbie.

    #163594

    Bobbie
    Participant

    Anytime Cruzzie!  I can honestly say now it is the best thing that ever happened to me

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