Hi Rebekah,

Thanks for your honesty.  I imagine that it’s difficult to share some of your difficult experiences.  I commend your courage.  I haven’t been through what you have.  But I do know that your gut (heart) instinct is there to teach you something, to show you something either about yourself, or about your situation.  Ignoring it won’t make it go away.  It will only lay dormant for awhile (maybe even for many years), until you decide to face it head on.

You have dealt with many traumatic experiences, abuse, suicide, becoming a “parent” to a parent, financial struggles.  I don’t know if you have talked to a professional about any of this or if you’ve only relied on David as a sounding board.  It’s a lot of responsibility to lay onto teenagers and/or young adults.  It sounds like you didn’t have much time to really experience just being a kid.  Perhaps you’re just restless and want to experience some of the things that most teenagers did.  Sneeking out late.  Breaking some rules.  Lying to your parents.  Maybe you just want to experience some freedom and the ability to learn to rely on yourself.  To try to figure things out on your own.  Even though David has been a great source of support for you the past 6 years, maybe you’re afraid that you don’t have the skills to do that for yourself.  Or maybe, you don’t feel like David is really “The One” for you.  It may be one of those answers, or maybe something else entirely.

The only way that you’ll find out the answer to those questions is to sit with them for awhile.  Talk to a Professional.  Talk to David.  Talk to another trusted confidant and friend.  Express your fears.  Express your feelings of anxiety.  What are you afraid of if you and David break up?  What are you afraid of if you and David stay together?  What do you want for your life?  What kind of relationship(s) do you want in your life?  The important thing is to learn to listen to your heart “gut” (rather than your mind “logic”) and to be honest with yourself.  Hiding from David or yourself will only perpetuate the unanswered questions.

It sounds like these are difficult questions to answer.  So be patient with yourself.  And ask David to be patient with you too. If he truly loves you, he should want you to be happy regardless of what the answers are.  All I know is how much I changed from the ages of 20-25, and then again from 25-30.  You are just starting to figure out whom you are and what you want out of life.  Give yourself time to figure it out.  Don’t jump into anything (even after 6 years) if you don’t feel comfortable or ready in any way.  When an answer is right, it feels good in your body and fills you with a sense of peace.  When it’s not, you feel badly, and you experience feelings of discomfort, anxiety, and unrest (in your stomach, chest, or throat usually).  Your heart and body always tell the truth.  Your Truth.  It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks you “should” do.

Sometimes you have to sit with the questions for days, weeks, months.  Keep asking the questions and then go on living your life, doing things that bring you joy, connecting with nature, connecting with God/Source/The Universe.  The answers will eventually come.  They always do.  Trust that your Inner Being knows what is best for you and will show you the way.  It loves you and wants what is best for you.  Learn to listen carefully.  Learn to Trust Your Heart.

Best wishes!  I hope you find you answers.  Take Care!

Dawn