Dear Needthelight:

I have a few comments about the email you sent him:

1. I believe that what is important for your son’s well being is not being able to travel once a year, to be shown the world, nor is it to go to the best private school. Being physically close to an extended family in his life is not at all necessarily a good thing for him. It is not material luxuries that will benefit your son, but relationships. What is important for your son’s well being is not for you “to show the world to him”, but for you to show your heart to him, that you see him, hear him, attend to him, feel empathy for him. And to see to it that the people you introduce into his life (strangers and family) treat him well.

2. You wrote that you want to take care of your mother- if you want to substitute taking care of your boyfriend and his daughters with taking care of your mother, I don’t know if it is such a great idea especially because as I understand it, your mother doesn’t support you (“my family in India stopped supporting me. All I had was my partner…”). Depending on who your mother is, taking care of her, in India, I suppose, may take away even more from the time and energy that your son deserves. Being back with the family who stopped supporting you may not be a good idea.

3. Financially and otherwise, supporting a man and his two daughters is a lot that you don’t have to keep doing. Like he wrote to you in response, “only you can make any decisions about those things”- a fair and honest response. He was very clear: he wants you in his life, living together, supporting him and his daughters. He wishes it wasn’t difficult for you, that you were happy, but he feels that he can’t do anything to help you more than what he is doing. He communicated clearly to you that these are your decisions to make. He didn’t try to make you feel guilty in his email response.

Looking forward to your response to this very post.

anita