Greetings Gavin,

Your post is one that made me think to myself, “WOW! It sounds like me at times.” I struggled with this for many years although at the time I was not fully aware of that momentum being a struggled. I always thought to myself, ” This is messed up. Oh well.” For me it was a normal state of being. It wasn’t until long after that, and I do not recall exactly when, I recognized that I really needed to understand what the heck was going on as I absolutely did not like it. It kind of reminded me of the many times people would tell me to just go with the flow, but only dead fish go with the flow. Knowing that I decided to put forth a HUGE effort that would lead me to an understanding of what I needed to change and why. On a side note I am reminded of a quote by a woman named Jeanette Winterson. She said, ” In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance.” To this very day I try to remain connected to the meaning of this. Moving forward…I spent a number of years with some truly amazing people who helped me with my PTSD. As we dove deeper into my life the question of my cognitive abilities came up. The pursuit of that aspect of my life, who I was/am seemed odd to me but in the grand mosaic in the scheme of things it made sense to me. It is very important to me at this point that make clear that in my telling you this I am in no way doing any chest thumping or bragging. My IQ was tested at 134. The only thought I have about tis is, “So what?”. I graduated high school 2 years early at the age of 15. This was extremely awkward for me because the 15 year olds in high school were on track to graduate at 17-18. I felt very out of place with them. Conversely I did not feel to be a part of the ones who were on track to graduate at 17-18. So for me I was in a dead zone. I was bored in college. I graduated with a BS degree in microbiology in 3 years as opposed to 4. My first job was at Stanford in the microbiology department which I found to be very boring. I realized that for me that feeling of boredom was an immature reaction. So I decided to pursue my masters degree. Again boring. I got my masters degree and never returned to the academics of microbiology. I did many things after that and like you I felt unenthusiastic about pursuing things that I thought would fulfill my creativity and make me happy. By the way all this time I got involved in pottery making pottery on the wheel and free hand pottery. I have been told that much of my work was worthy of selling it commercially. I, like many artists, devalue the quality of my work telling those who admired it, “It’s not that great.” I recall that one time while attending a lengthy ongoing pottery workshop (3 months) our group had a chance to visit LACMA, the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. We brought along our portfolios of the work we had done to show the curator. Several of us in our group were invited to put 1 piece on display. Two days after I put one of my pottery objects on display, the curator called me and told me a German business wanted to buy one of my pieces. I offered it for free but he insisted on paying for it. Having spent roughly 3 hours of making it, using approximately $4.00 worth of clay and about $6.00 of glaze, and the cost hardly worth mentioning to fire it, he was delighted to pay me $350.00 for it. Again the artwork I made was no big deal so I donated the money to a homeless veterans project. I think that now would be a good segue for me to make my point…

For quite a while now I understand what Jeanette Winterson said when she shared her quote, specifically when she used the words “space ” and ” opportunity.”  For me, that space of opportunity was one I had not recognized. I realize the importance of that now. That space is an opportunity for me to keep my fingers on the pulse of my life, where I am going, what I am constantly learning. I realized that my happiness does not hinge on some outside locus of control, that it is only found within me. That space of opportunity allows me to embrace my happiness and creativity, that I do not have to rely on any outside entity to make that happen. It reminds me of a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: ” The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.”  I do not dwell on what I could have/should have/would have ideas. I think about now. It also sounds cliche’ for me to say I live the now. After all, that is all we have. Not 1 hour from now, not tomorrow or next week, but now. All I have is that space of opportunity. My ideas do not pay the bills but it is within that space that my creativity flourishes, it is where I nurture my happiness.

In reading your post it is obvious to me that you are indeed a very creative person and I also suspect, although there is a very good chance that I am wrong, that you undervalue your creativity, your art as in the way that I devalue mine. If people like my artwork, great. If not, so what. There is more to create.

I am not sure if you find any value in what I said. There is only one thing I have tooter, for now at least. Spend some time in that space my friend. Try not to put your creativity on hold or find happiness in some external locus of control. You have all you need my friend. It is inside you. Nobody can match that.

Pearce

• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.