Natasha,

When you read this be prepared to get what you deserve, an outpouring of love and compassion from the countless amazingly beautiful people on Tiny Buddha.

There is so much going on here that I am not sure where to start so I will offer some of my thoughts that I hope you welcome. Also, give Noah all the love you have. It will be a priceless gift to him as he is to you.

My thoughts now are just off the top of my head, from my heart. I shall get back to you later in detail as I need to digest all of what is hurting you with the hope that I can offer some useful words.

Know that Carlos’ “illusion on love and men” is unique to Carlos, that I assure you that not all men are that way. In fact, it is those characteristics that you see in Carlos, the alcohol, the partying, the flirtations, that if they are not corrected, they will destroy a relationship thus shaping your negative opinion of men.

When you said,  “he was the man that was rescuing me.” I am curious how one can place any value in a person who has a self-destructive life style and rescue you and create the ideal relationship that you want. It reminds me of the saying, “Trust me” said the spider to the fly. We all know how that turns out.

When you reflected on what you said, “the only thing that came out of his mouth is “break up with me if you are so unhappy, I am fine, our relationship is fine.” This reads to me, go ahead. I don’t care. There are other people out there for me. Why do I say this? Because “A week ago we fought over a text message I found in his phone”

One thing that I find that contributes to this demise is when you said, “And I have always accepted his terms, even now.” This is why this hurt and uncertainty continues, because you ” have always accepted his terms, even now.” Accepting a relationship with him is to willing to be second in his life because ” he was talking to another woman telling her how how hot and beautiful she was.”

When you said, ” I slapped him, we have a horrible fight, we broke up, he told me a thousand times during the fight, “leave me coward, break up with me,” I see two things, although there are probably more. One being when you slapped him. I understand the anger and frustration taking over but resorting to violence crosses the line regardless of who initiated it. What Noah sees, Noah learns. The second thing that is obviously characteristic of a fractured relationship is him resorting to childish, immature name calling. I am wondering if this name calling is an expression of the alcohol.

When you asked yourself, ” if I marry this guy, woud I be happy?” With responsibility comes accountability and unless he acknowledges that his self destructive and verbal abuse have no value whatsoever and that he needs to change, and with your willingness to accept his terms as you say, and look toward him to rescue you, you will not only be not happy, but Noah will more than likely learn to live this way as well. Noah DOES NOT DESERVE to be exposed to this way of life.

Natasha there are SO many amazing, wonderful, beautiful things waiting for you and Noah. Those things are not found in a man who treats women like this. Leave this man, and I use that word loosely, and go for the things that you and Noah deserve, a life full of love, peace, and happiness. Buddha taught dharma. Embrace it.

Pearce