Dear Anita,

I’m realizing through my thoughts and your input that I lacked enough attention as a child to create some sort of personal boundaries in my own reality as I had nothing else to reference from. I can see where I developed ways to cope with my situations, maybe through pouting and sadness, to gain attention. I can feel that pain I remember as a child, longing for attention, intimacy, and safety. I can understand, to a degree, why I have these unknown triggers with my girlfriend. It makes so much more sense as to why I have these unexplained feelings of anxiety and uneasiness, feelings of hopelessness as if an ending is near. Thinking back to previous times in my current relationship, I see how I could turn something small and even unthreatening into a huge threat and possible loss (of attention and intimacy).

I’m starting to see, without complete understanding, some of the triggers I respond to that were created as a child, and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why I was getting upset over such things that are completely normal and expected in our day and age. What I mean by this is feeling extreme anxiety and betrayal or uneasiness in response to such things like knowing my girlfriend had been with other guys before not within a relationship which similarly portrays what I thought of as wrong with my stepfather not being in the position to be with my mom (including the sex). I feel emotional pain thinking about my girlfriend with other guys because I would picture my mom doing things with my stepfather, intrusive thoughts would flood my mind of her doing this in a way against me, even though I loved her very much. It has created, in my head, a set of rules and/or boundaries of how I feel towards a partner, just like the girlfriend I have now.

I can see why there are two parts to me within my current relationship:

1. There is the part of me that craves attention and intimacy, willing to do anything to give love and receive love. This part of me wants everything it can take which is why it wants for my girlfriend to give her all to me, whether past, future, or present. This is why I can be upset with such subtle things that act as hints/triggers in my head that tell me I’m not getting the full attention or intimacy of my girlfriend (then… my mother).

2. There is a part of me that wants the sexual part of the relationship, but it’s almost as if I don’t want the closeness. It seems to me that my intimate, loving side is having trouble connecting with my sexual side due to my past and the beliefs stemming from it. I think this is why I struggle to love my girlfriend at all times for who she is because I think back to her with other guys and I can’t allow (mentally) for there to be a connection between love and sex because of my past. The two go hand in hand, which is completely normal, but my mind has created its own reality about how love and sex should be.

I really dug deep into my brain for this kind of input, let me know what you think Anita. Thank you again.

Scott