Dear Littlered,

This is my first ever response on this forum, so here it goes.

It sounds like the comments traumatized you. Traumatized because they were deeply offensive, you’ve actually internalized them and over the past 5 years have made them ingrained in your belief system. How do I know this? A thought you think over and over again is a belief. You’ve chopped and screwed these words in so many directions in your mind that they are alive and well. To be clear the comments made by senior partner are long gone but in your mind they live on. Somehow you’ve made those words about YOU and who you are as a person vs seeing that those comments reflected more so on the person who said them.

Here is the truth. Anyone can say anything they want to anyone at anytime for any reason. Welcome to the human experience. Of course some words in saying them come with consequences, most comments do not.

I think your shame maybe based on that you were not able to stand up for yourself in a way that would have made your feel respected and dignified. But the only problem with this line of thinking is that its highly untrue. You showed up and showed out for yourself in this incident but didn’t acknowledge it for yourself.

You said: “if the other partner had stood up for us, I would not feel this way.”
This is your mind trying to change the past. This is such an injustice in your mind that your trying to hold other people accountable for something they can’t change. On the other hand you’re not giving yourself any credit in how you handled yourself in the situation. You said you left the job immediately after the incident. So why do you also say that you were punished for something you didn’t do? Are you saying the “comments” were a punishment (not true)? Or that you having to leave the job was punishment (also not true)?

By leaving the job immediately you showed yourself:
respect
dignity
self-worth

You haven’t put any value in your response to the incident. You wanted someone else/partner to valdate your feeling. As adults we are fully capable of rescuing and vindicating ourselves without the help of others.

You said: “An injustice has happened and they got away with it.”
What exactly do you think they got away with? Senior partner can say whatever he wants. As a result, the firm loses a model employee, You. Why isn’t that enough justice for you? Because you left the firm, you also released yourself from anything to do with the firm and how they discipline their employees. Maybe the senior partner was reprimanded and maybe not, either way it doesn’t matter. You already seeked justice for yourself but leaving. These are brownie points you are not giving yourself.

You have a belief issue around these word. They are not going to go away anytime soon. But I want to offer a suggestion in turning that belief around in to positivity for yourself.

Moving forward everytime those “comments” pop up in your mind, respond to the thought out loud…..
“That’s not true about me, I love, respect and care about myself.” This is the new thought you need to replace those comments with.

Think of this objectively, your mind in 5 years has a PhD in making these comments have meaning to you. Now you have to undo that command center of your brain and create new programming. And while you are at it you will start to release resentment and bitterness for your past co-workers. You may need to work on forgiving them if you feel that’s important to you. Professional counseling maybe a solution as well. Overall, you need to acknowledge that bad situations happen to even good people like you. You can’t change the past, but you can change your outlook for the future.

The best question you can ask yourself is, How does/did this incident benefit me? (weather you realize it or not ALL things work for your betterment)

Second best question, Whats my next best step in helping me heal? (take a course, talk to a mentor, get counseling, get a life coach, read books, attend a conference, etc). Heal yourself through intention action.

Hope this was helpful. You have the power to change your mind, literally and figuratively. 🙂