Hi Anita,

Appreciate your wonderful input and it gave me so much clarity! What you said in the last paragraph really resonated with me and it is something I have been thinking about also. That if we were to have that chance to re-start the relationship, I would want to communicate with him about what has changed since the breakup and what has he done to resolve the issues that were there. I would also do my part in sharing my growth process.

I agree with you that “for as long as this situation exists, and until he extricates himself from his current family role, it will not a good idea for you to be in a relationship with him.” I also thought about if the situation were to continue and we had gotten married, it is likely that we would still be embroiled in the financial issues of his family. I thought it is one thing to help one’s family but another to take on responsibility that is not his to take on.

Which was exactly what you mentioned also about “his strong inclination to feel guilty and to take on responsibility that doesn’t belong to him”. The context of his family arguments stem from his sister going through an acrimonious divorce and she wants to settle it in court through legal battles (so as to spite her ex husband). However, she does not have financial means to fight the lawsuit nor to sustain her current lifestyle. His parents were all ready to liquidate their assets to help her in this legal battle and support her spending but he did not want them to do so as he was worried about their retirement. Thus, he has been helping out by lending his sister money so that the sister would not turn to his parents. So the arguments came from when he tried to reason with his parents that it is not worth going to court and they should put a stop to helping the sister. His parents would then turn on him and say that he should help his sister as they are family etc. Other arguments arise from when he tried to reason with his sister to spare a thought for their parents instead of being so selfish. Grateful.. I am not too sure if they expressed it. But it is definitely expected of him to help. And I know given his family-oriented nature, he would still choose to help them even at the expense of himself.

Which made me feel the pain for him that he takes on more than he should and he gave the relationship up (which he said was what gave him the happiness in his life). I do feel so so much for him and I wish that he could be happier. It felt so counter-intuitive to me that he chose to gave up something that gave him happiness over the responsibilities that gives him so much pain. But of cos, I understand from his point of view that family is something he would never give up and I do respect him and his decision. Thus, I let go and gave him the space to work out his issues instead of fighting for him to keep trying.

Regarding therapy, I did suggest to him to seek therapy himself and it was something that he was considering. I am not sure if he went ahead with therapy but it does remain a possibility that he is still struggling and has not managed to extricate himself from this role that he took on. All I can hope for is that the loss of the relationship was something that shook him and pushed him towards seeking help to get out of this situation.

At this point in time, he has not reached out to me and I have zero clue how he is doing in terms of working out his issues. I guess what prompted me to write this was when my therapist asked me why I never reached out to him if I still love him so much now. She said this to me “What if you both are just waiting for the other to reach out?” And I read this tinybuddha article about surrendering which said:

Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well, even without my input.

And I thought it made alot of sense and I made it my new philosophy in life to surrender since the breakup and just see how things unfold.. but what my therapist said made me feel uneasy.

That would there be missed opportunities due to inaction?