Hi Adya,

When you guys asked her if it would be OK for DH to be friends with her ex, I bet she said “OK” automatically. It’s not easy to show our vulnerability to others, even to a dear friend. Saying then and there, “No, actually, that wouldn’t be OK with me” sounds petty. Or, maybe she thought at the time that she would be OK with it. Or, maybe she thought the DH and the ex wouldn’t be active friends, and would just be acquaintance friends.

Months go by and she finds that it’s bothering her more and more. Maybe she’s afraid that the ex told the DH and you about some embarrassing things from her past. Or that you’ll choose him over her. Or that everyone’s laughing at her.

So she cancelled the backpacking trip out of embarrassment or shame. That’s my guess.

As for her actions in the beginning, you guys are in a new environment. Something about the city or this new phase of life is making her feel squirrely and act weird.

In the office, seek sanctuary in politeness. Smile and say Good Morning. Think happy, easy and breezy. Surface pleasantries will help you survive.

Then, maybe next year have a get together (don’t invite her ex LOL). She might blow it off or “can’t” go. That’s OK. Just keep inviting her a few times when you have a party.

But realize that your friendship may never be the same.

Best,

Inky