Hi Anita and Lost_star,

I feel really more like i am an empty vessel but that my experiences and in particular negative ones have shaped my opinion. For instance i do remember some great moments, happy moments with my ex…and i remember thinking very much in those moment that i was happy and being aware of what felt like good fortune to me, i loved just being with him. I remember moments of fun with my friend and thinking “i am lucky i get to enjoy this” because i was also grieving i was even more grateful for any attention but also because ive never had any luck clicking with friends so it was actually just a luxury to me. It makes me sad that i have been bereft of so much when i DID know when i had it good. Now i only get to enjoy memories.

At one point i felt that way about my whole life…because i moved to where i am now and had such a reduced life to what once was…i thought at least i would have the memories of all the fun stuff i had done even if nothing else happened. But where is my future? Why am i being punished in that way? because as much as i struggle to get out of it..i am being held down by something.

What am i able to do in my limited options to change my path? I am not ready to see things so positively…when i have been hurt so badly and continue to suffer. I admit that i wish i still had my boyfriend who i loved so much despite his behaviour. It hangs in my heart like a bird unable to leave the cage. I subconsciously hold onto hope and a deep seated belief that he loves me. I must be wrong because his reply to me continued to blame me. He gave me some compliments..but even they were backhanded, interspersed with self congratulatory remarks about his influence being a factor and asking for praise. He seems completely unaware of himself…there is just so much ego there. i wonder what a psychologist would make of it.

I thought i had replied back but it must have not gone through, so i decided to leave it and just throw his things out. He doesnt seem to care and while he has a willing woman there at his house..he wont. But my mind continues to wish and wish things were different.