“Seeking”

we were never
going to be the best
of friends
polar opposites
but we’re both
so stubborn
so proud
so set in our ways
i’m glad
things are good for you
i hope
all your dreams come true
you have nothing
that i want
except
for you
to let me off the hook
not everybody is like you
not everybody wants the things you do
i don’t know
what made you
so highly strung
and you
don’t know
what made me
bitter and twisted
we don’t know
the entire story
we only think we know
but we don’t
i have
imaginary conversations with you
where we can put the world to rights
put aside our differences
i wish
we could talk
face to face
no interruptions
no insults

you once said
that there’s more to me
than i let on
i’m not willing
to show you
i think there’s more to you
than you let on
but you divert it all
when you’re the one
trying to break in
it’s funny
i know nothing about you
all i have
is a vague picture
that i’ve been painting
you keep telling me
how to live my life
but you need to know
i don’t suffer fools
i wasn’t born
to live up to you
everybody starts off
with a blank slate
for anybody kind enough
to give me the time of day
you pushed my buttons
i had to keep from exploding
for the sake of everybody else
i gave you the benefit of the doubt

never said i was perfect
i’m the first to admit
you hold us all
to high standards
you are quick
to point the finger
you are quick
to discuss my fate
with your jury
you’ve had your way
trapped me
silenced me
suffocated me
stockholm syndrome
in spite of all this
a tiny part of me
wants to believe
you mean well
you do it for my own good
in spite of all this
a tiny part of me
wants to believe
that you’re a person
just like me
your own ghosts
your own demons
your own wounds
in spite of all this
you’re not all that bad
even if your ugly side
is louder

out there
be monsters
i’m well aware
you don’t need to remind me
because my battles
are mine alone
not yours
for the fighting
not yours
for the taking
in here
be monsters
why can’t you see
that i don’t need you
to save me from my sins
why can’t you see
that i need to learn the hard way
because if things were easy
i wouldn’t learn a thing
nothing
ever makes it all go away
no magic wand
to erase all the corruption
you might fool others
you might fool yourself
but you don’t fool me

it’s been a year
since we last spoke
your words still ring
on a vicious repeat loop
haunted
like a vindictive ghost
all i want
is freedom
i can’t even look
at you anymore
you’re just another ghost
in another photograph
another fowl reminder
i have to keep you
at arms length
i ran away
avoiding my day in court

my business
is with you
and you alone
you only want to talk
with your execution squad
at your side
so what say
we settle the score
one on one
face to face
for old time’s sake
you bring your pride
i bring my shame
you can condemn me
all you like
kick me when i’m down
spit on me
hate me
but all that i ask
is that
you bloody well listen