Dear Mina:

You wrote that you are “desperate to get married as soon as possible”. Being desperate is not a good state of mind, meaning, it leads people to take desperate, unwise measures, to behave impulsively in ways that hurt them in the short or long term.

Fear is a helpful motivator short term. You see a dangerous animal, feel fear and run as fast as you can, or fight. But on the long term, fear is harmful because feeling fear long term exhausts you, wears you down, and exhausted, you don’t pay attention and you don’t behave wisely. You wrote that your mother “is looking out for me by using my fear to make me..” – as I just wrote, using fear to help another works only short term when you need to run or fight. Used long term- it harms.

You wrote: “If it weren’t for her teaching, maybe I would be a lazy person that settle for anything and for any guy. Maybe I will be living a completely different life.” and you wrote “She thinks that if I become someone..”-

Seems to me that her belief is that you were born a Nobody, lazy, unmotivated (she probably thinks all people are born that way), and that without her input you will continue to be a Nobody, lazy, unmotivated, settling for any guy. I disagree. I believe you are born a Somebody, and that with loving, correct guidance, you will make the best choices for yourself. I believe babies are born motivated. They are indeed motivated and learn so much- even in the worst circumstances.

I wish she didn’t use fear to motivate you. I wish she had faith in your inborn motivation and your evident ability to think rationally and to make good choices.

Regarding the handbag: handbags don’t make people happy, content. If the friend of your mother could buy (and not hide) dozens of bags a month, to her heart’s (temporary!) delight, but has a bad marriage, she has a bad marriage nonetheless. When she goes to bed at night, it is her husband lying next to her, not her handbags. It is the breathing of her husband she hears at night, when it is dark and she is lying down with her thoughts.

It is the nature of the relationship with him that matters, not the handbags. When you get married, make sure you have an honest, loving relationship with your husband. Not so you can buy handbags, but so that you can think as you hear him breathe at night: I love this man and he loves me. I can be me with him and he feels comfortable and safe to be himself. We help each other. We are each other’s best friends!

anita