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A closure after a tough break up

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  • #161304
    Mina
    Participant

    I want to share something today with everyone here. I broke up with someone I loved very deeply a month ago. We never contacted each other after the break up.

    Today, I decided to break the no contact rule because it is his birthday. I wrote a pretty nice birthday wishes, even wishing him to do well in his new university even though that was one of the main reason we broke up (him moving college) and he replied to me. He thanked me for being there and supporting him through his whims (during our relationship) and even though he wasn’t a very good boyfriend back then due to his hectic schedules and personal problems like college and grades. He told me to spend my summer holiday well and to have fun on my next semester.

    I cried after reading that, right away. I did not understand why, but I cannot control the tears. They keep coming. I feel so overwhelmed. So relieved, and happy and also sad. Just mixed emotions. I realise how much I needed to hear that words from him. After a very painful period of my life, hearing it from the person that I needed to hear it the most made me feel a lot of emotions that I did not even know had existed before.

    The birthday wish that I sent him via text message was only a simple nice gesture from me. But, my ex partner understands my sincerity and my heart. I sent that message with my whole courage and he can simply reply to me “Thanks! I wish you the same.” but he decided to write something very meaningful to me.

    That text message brought me back to life. After suffering alone, in silent for a long period- without anyone truly understanding how my heart feels, he saw through me like a transparent glass. I feel his support in this break up that I always feel like I am going all alone, for the very first time.

    Any thoughts, anyone? I am not asking for advice, I just want to share this very special event with someone.

    -Mina

     

    #161334
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    You wrote that you are not asking for advice, that you just want to share a very special event and you asked for thoughts.

    My thoughts are that is that this break up was tough for you, that the month of no contact was also tough, that you felt very lonely. The contact with him, his reply, means that you got a break from your loneliness, that you feel seen, heard and understood, and lots of emotions came to the surface.

    I hope you post again on this thread as time goes on.

    anita

     

    #161338
    Mina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You wrote : “The contact with him, his reply, means that you got a break from your loneliness, that you feel seen, heard and understood, and lots of emotions came to the surface.”

    Is this a bad thing? We are no longer in contact but I guess you are right. I needed a break from the loneliness and the stress.

    #161340
    Mina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I guess you probably think that it is a bad idea but that contact was not meant to be something like that. I reached out to him because I loved him, I still care and I want give out an exception on his special day as a friend. I wrote that birthday message with no expectations. All I want is a “Thank you, wish you well too.” kind of reply.

    But in a way that made me stunned is that I never asked for any closure or anything from him, he gave those words to me because he feels my desperation or my sincerity. He UNDERSTANDS. That is what touched me the most. I needed that, when I didnt even know that I needed that before he said it.

    -Mina

     

    #161346
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I didn’t think it was a bad idea to contact him for his birthday. I didn’t think about it being a good idea or a bad idea. I do hope your emotions calm and that you reach a state of calm, some peace of mind and heart. I was hoping that posting again, sharing how you feel  over time, will help getting there, to that calm about this relationship, the breakup and your future.

    anita

    #161352
    Mina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I mentioned above that I cried. I did not understand why, but I cannot control the tears. I assumed that it was too overwhelming for me hearing from him. What is your opinion? I would like to know if you dont mind.

    Me reaching out to him, wishing him a happy birthday was a cry out for help from my side. For others, it is a simple “happy birthday” wishes but for me, deep down inside, it is a cry for help and support from him. I am struggling, I feel like dying please help me kind of cry. I didnt say any of those words or even near those words but without me saying it, he understood and helped me in his own ways. He pushes me forward by recognising my support for him during the relationship, I know that he feels a lot of guilt regarding the break up. I was holding on to that one text message and I got a response that I needed to hear ever since the break up. What is your opinion about this?

    Thank you so much, as usual, Anita. Take care.

    -Mina

     

    #161666
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello Mina

    I am glad that you finally found your closure. I read your thread before and can relate what you think. Breakups can be really touch and make us doubt if what we had was even real. He did thank you for the relationship and send you his blessings and that tells what you had together was meaningful and real. No hatred and no regret.

    #161676
    Mina
    Participant

    Hello Connie,

    I think you are absolutely right. I needed his blessings to move on. I needed to hear that what we had was real, and in a way it is like him saying “it is ok to let go now” because even if i let go, it will not change anything about the relationship that we had. Thank you for writing me back, Connie.

    -Mina

    #161708
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    You asked for more of my input regarding this thread. Let’s see…

    You sent him birthday wishes and he replied, thanking you “for being there and supporting him through his whims (during our relationship) and even though he wasn’t a very good boyfriend back then due to his hectic schedules and personal problems like college and grades. He told me to spend my summer holiday well and to have fun on my next semester”-

    This is how you interpreted his reply: you figured that he “truly understanding how my heart feels, he saw through me like a transparent glass…he gave those words to me because he feels my desperation or my sincerity. He UNDERSTANDS… he understood and helped me in his own ways…he feels a lot of guilt regarding the break up.”-

    I don’t know if you interpreted his reply accurately or if your heartache over the breakup and loneliness of the month of no contact caused you to see more in it than there is. To check the accuracy of your interpretation of his reply, I ask:

    Has it been the first time (in his reply) that he expressed appreciation of you for supporting him?

    Was it also the first time that he mentioned his “whims” during the relationship and that he wasn’t q very good boyfriend?

    Is it also the first time that he wished you spend your time well and have fun?

    anita

    #163770
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sorry for the late reply.

    1. Has it been the first time (in his reply) that he expressed appreciation of you for supporting him? -> Yes, the first after the break up.

    2. Was it also the first time that he mentioned his “whims” during the relationship and that he wasn’t q very good boyfriend? Not really, during the break up talk – he hinted this but did not say that he was a bad boyfriend, like his sentences isn’t the same.

    3. Is it also the first time that he wished you spend your time well and have fun? Yes, it is the first time

    The break was really hard and intense for us. We both clearly were still in love but considering my ex partner situation at the time, our relationship cannot continue.

    Would love to hear reply x

    -Mina

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    #163774
    Mina
    Participant

    Update :

    What I meant by him understanding my heart is he understood that I wasn’t just wishing him a happy birthday, it was my blessing. That I forgive everything that has happened, that I hope you do not blame yourself too much, and I want you to be happy no matter what. I typed in those wishes with a hope that he will understand what kind of reply that I need from him.

    He understood that I was giving him my blessing, so in return, he gave his too. He knew that it wasn’t easy for me to reach out to him on his birthday after all that has happened. I needed that from him, I wasn’t hoping for much but he gave me something to hold on to. I felt so unloved and abandoned after the break up but what he said that night made me realise that he did loved me, he recognises me and the relationship. That was what I needed. To hear that I deserve to be happy and I deserve to move on. I should stop torturing and blaming myself because someone loved me very much – the least thing that I can do is to live my life again.

    -Mina

    #163776
    Mina
    Participant

    Update 2 :

    Things weren’t really good before we broke up, and I felt a shift of change in him. I can feel that he was very stressed about his life, we ended up breaking up obviously – but when I contacted him on his birthday, I sense the guy that I used to loved again. The guy that asked me out and the boy that replied to my birthday message was the same guy – the way he talked to me was the same way like he always talks to me during our relationship – sincere, honest and nice.

    Might sounds hopeful but I was really happy that I get to say hello and goodbye to the same person. It was peaceful knowing that everything wrapped up nicely from the very first day to our very last day together

    -Mina

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    #164008
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I read your last three posts. I need to understand better.

    1. Regarding your sentence: “I should stop torturing and blaming myself because someone loved me very much”- can you elaborate on what you are torturing and blaming yourself about? On the nature of your self torture and blame in regard to this relationship?

    2. You wrote: “Things weren’t really good before we broke up, and I felt a shift of change in him”- what shifts specifically? How did you feel about those shifts and how did you react to them?

    3. You wrote: ” It was peaceful knowing that everything wrapped up nicely from the very first day to our very last day together”- can you elaborate on this sentence?

    * I wonder if you expect people, your ex boyfriend, friends, others maybe, to be always the same, treating you the very same way throughout. When he or she is stressed or otherwise is not the same, you get unsettled, distressed. Is that so?

    anita

     

    #164096
    Mina
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I will go through your questions one by one to make you understand better :

    1. What I mean by torturing myself is – throughout this break up recovery phase, I have this somehow sick view of love that in order for my ex partner to be happy, I have to sacrifice myself. Me sacrificing my happiness is the biggest proof of my love for him. I pretended to wish him well, to wish him luck while basically “hiding” my real emotions regarding this break up from him. I do not want him to feel any guilt or burden because his life is already so hard. I would rather lie through everything although it kills me everyday. I am having a hard time to stop having these kind of thoughts.

    2. The shifts were mainly the change in his behaviours. He was sad, seems depressed and wasn’t very responsive to me a few days before we broke up. I confronted him right away and was already expecting a break up at that time. My ex wasn’t a very good liar, we built our relationship based on trust and openness. We used to talked about everything in our life. Him not sharing is already a big red sign. He expressed his fears regarding his mandatory military service and his stress about starting a new life in a new university during the break up talk (he mentioned this a few times when things were still good between us, but we both kinda knew that this problem will eventually be the reason of the break up in the future)

    My boyfriend wasn’t at the happiest place at that moment. He wasn’t supported by his parents to move university, and wasn’t able to get any support from anyone in our university due to him being the Chairman of Student Council in his major. He had a lot of responsibility to so many people, and him announcing that he wants to change university in the middle of a semester would be a scandal. He had to kept it as a secret from 15.000 students and I am the only who knew about his struggle.

    My ex boyfriend might seems like a strong and reliable leader towards a lot of people but to me – he is just a 19 year old guy struggling and questioning everything in his “perfect” life. He cried and fight with his own problems alone. My boyfriend`s situation demanded me to be really careful. I cannot share anything that has anything to do with his personal struggle to anyone. It was really tiring for me, Anita. There were a lot of times I wished that I was dating someone “normal” so I can share to my close friends what kind of problems that our relationships was dealing so I wouldn’t feel so alone.

    Even until now, I am still keeping this secret for him. He never asked me to (after the break up) but I want to keep it for him, it is the least thing I can do to help him as an ex. Every time someone from our school asked why we broke up, I would lie. My ex does not know that I am still looking out for him.

    3. “It was peaceful knowing that everything wrapped up nicely from the very first day to our very last day together.”

    What I meant by this – my ex boyfriend changed during his depression period. Few days before the break up, he did not seem like himself. During the break up, he felt so different. It is like I dated a person named A and then broke up with a person named B.

    But when he replied to me on that txt message, he sounds like the old him that I know. It made me happy because it assures me that it was all real and that he was a real person. Do you know the feeling of meeting a really old friend that you haven’t met in years? You ended things on a bad note with this particular friend and you felt like she became a different person but then you met her again years later and she acted and talk the way that she used to before things got bad with you? That is how I felt about it.

    4. “I wonder if you expect people, your ex boyfriend, friends, others maybe, to be always the same, treating you the very same way throughout. When he or she is stressed or otherwise is not the same, you get unsettled, distressed. Is that so?”

    Nope. I understand why his behaviours towards me changed. When people gets stressed out, you cannot expect them to treat you the same. I think I worded my sentences badly – I apologise. I do not expect him to treat me the same but it was just sad that when he and I met for the last time to end things, he seemed so out of it. So that txt msg with him to me was the real goodbye. I dated with a person named A and broke up with a person named A too.

    Anita, I hope you won’t mind reading this very long and complicated sappy story of mine. I actually never shared this detailed story to anyone, for the reasons I already stated above. I am very tired of pretending, keeping secrets, not being able to let go, and more than that – I am very tired of being stuck in here crying over a break up that is already done.

    I do not understand why it is so hard to forgive the situation? I do not understand why I am still looking out and putting his happiness above mine?

    I would love to hear advices and please take your time. I know that this is very long and kind of messy with so many details but I feel like I need to share this with you so you would understand a bit more why this break up is difficult and tricky for me.

    -Mina x

    P.s : Have a great day! xxx

     

    #164132
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I will be able to read your latest post and reply in about 16 hours or so when I am back at the computer. Take good care of yourself.

    anita

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