A closure after a tough break up

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This topic has 60 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 21, 2017 at 3:08 am #164888

Mina
Participant

Dear Anita,

You wrote : “You learned to sacrifice a part of yourself. Someone taught you. It is impossible for a child to understand this and it is very difficult for an adult child to figure it out, that a parent taught them to put away an important part of themselves.”

Is this necessarily a bad thing? At some point, all social human beings needs to make some kind of a “sacrifice” to live, no? We cannot get all things that we wanted our way. We have to work hard and sometimes we have to sacrifice something important to get the bigger things.

You wrote : “If you think about what your mother, let’s say, disapproved about you, what she still disapproves of, that will give you a clue.”

I can only think of a few things that aren’t very important. The big thing is probably her disapproving of me marrying someone that does n0t have the same religion and same ethnic.

-Mina

August 21, 2017 at 5:40 am #164908

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

By ““You learned to sacrifice a part of yourself”, I did not refer to having been taught to work hard, to endure not having everything you want, to postpone gratification, and such.

But let’s look at what you wrote in your most recent post, right above: “We cannot get all things that we wanted our way. We have to work hard and sometimes we have to sacrifice something important to get the bigger thing”-

Am I correct in my understanding: (according to your other thread), you were taught to not work physically hard, and you never did; you never distressed your body with physical work. You were given all material goods by somewhat wealthy parents, so you didn’t have to postpone gratification.

What your parents do demand of you is that you study hard so that you can be “someone” in the future, so that you can have the prestige and income of a respectable profession, correct?

anita

August 21, 2017 at 7:00 am #164934

Mina
Participant

Anita,

I did not expect you to remember almost everything that I had mentioned in my previous threads.

You wrote : “What your parents do demand of you is that you study hard so that you can be “someone” in the future, so that you can have the prestige and income of a respectable profession, correct?”

You are 100 percent correct this time.

-Mina

August 21, 2017 at 8:57 am #164966

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

And I remember that I wrote to you on your other thread that you don’t need to become Someone in the future, that you are already Someone, now.

anita

August 21, 2017 at 9:27 am #164970

Mina
Participant

Anita,

Yes, I remember very well.

Does this have anything to do with the whole “sacrifice myself” thing?

Maybe because of this … I feel like I always need to sacrifice something in my life to get approved by my parents or to be happy in general?

-Mina

August 21, 2017 at 10:21 am #164972

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Yes, I think it is connected. It is a very common view, a social convention, that you are a Someone IF you get a certain education, a career, an income, a financial position, people’s esteem for having the education, income, career. This view is far from being your parents’ unique view. I hear it often from wealthy and from not wealthy people.

Thing is, problem with it is that it causes lots of pain in the “Nobodies” of this world and (!) in all the Somebodies figuring they are Nobodies in comparison to those who are wealthier, have more material goods, bigger houses, have been in a more expensive vacation spot and so on.

Like you wrote in your last line, it is about getting other people’s approval, other people’s esteem. Everyone is looking for other people’s approval, even the other people.

I suppose you sacrifice what did not get you approval already, what got you disapproval, such things that seemed to your parents as incongruent with getting that education, career, income, material goods.

anita

August 21, 2017 at 10:47 am #164978
Mina
Participant
Anita,

1. You wrote : “I suppose you sacrifice what did not get you approval already, what got you disapproval, such things that seemed to your parents as incongruent with getting that education, career, income, material goods.”

Can you explain more about this?

2. I think about these self sacrifice thing for a while, there might be a chance that I am currently doing it to “punish” myself for somehow moving on from the past relationship while knowing how hard my ex life is right now? Maybe deep down I feel a lot of guilt for not feeling so sad.

What do you think? Is it a possibility?

-Mina
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Mina.
August 22, 2017 at 7:27 am #165104

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Regarding the first, sacrificing what got you disapproval, an example: a parent disapproves of a child crying, making fun of the child when she cries. The child learns that crying and the sadness leading to crying is shameful and sacrifices her… right to feel sad and express it. So she continues to shame herself when she feels sad, and she puts on a happy face, smiling when she feels like crying. She does so at first to win her mother’s approval. (Because we can’t put away our feelings, her sadness develops into depression and dysfunction, the price of her sacrifice)

Regarding the second, you feeling guilty for leaving your ex boyfriend behind, knowing how hard his life is: you expressed this guilt before. I don’t know what it is about, its origin. The answer may be in your relationship with your mother, with your father, or in observing the relationship between the two of them. I have very little to no information about these three categories. Nor do I have information about the nature of your relationship with your ex boyfriend, what was it like, the interactions, and so on.

anita

August 22, 2017 at 8:42 am #165114

Mina
Participant

Anita,

I think I understand your first point better now. Thank you.

Regarding the 2nd point, I mentioned how difficult it was for my boyfriend during the relationship due to his studies and future plans. It was also emotionally difficult for him to break up with me. He feels a lot of guilt, the fact that he even had to feel guilty about me during one of the hardest time in his life … I feel guilty about it. That is it.

Regarding my parents, I can see your point. My parents has been married for 20 years and they are still “there” for each other no matter what. They fought and disagree but they never leave each other behind especially during hard times. Maybe in a way – I learnt a lot from their marriage relationship. Never give up on the person that you love during hard times.

Any thoughts or advice?

-Mina

August 22, 2017 at 9:29 am #165118

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Thoughts and advice at this point, again, having very little information, really: always take care of yourself first, this is your primary responsibility. Intend to not suffer unnecessarily. You suffering over your boyfriend difficulties is not helping him and it is hurting you.

Sure, easier said (or typed) than done, of course. I understand it. But form the Intent, that is all. More will develop later.

You are not responsible for your boyfriend’s difficulties, for his difficulties due to his relationships with his parents, his life circumstances: you didn’t give birth to him (!) and you didn’t create his life circumstances. Your part in his life is small and so, your affect and effect on his life is much smaller than all the factors that pre-existed you and which have nothing to do with you.

Take care of yourself, attend to your own mental health. Form the intent to not drown in others’ misery, or the misery you perceive that they are experiencing. For example, your ex boyfriend might be feeling very good this very moment while you perceive that he is suffering this very moment. As you suffer at any one moment for his (perceived) suffering, you are the one suffering while he is feeling very good.

anita

August 23, 2017 at 10:08 am #165302

Mina
Participant

Anita,

You mentioned a few times that you have “no information” – I wonder what kind of information that you are looking for?

I agree with this point : “For example, your ex boyfriend might be feeling very good this very moment while you perceive that he is suffering this very moment. As you suffer at any one moment for his (perceived) suffering, you are the one suffering while he is feeling very good.”

I know that this probably all in my mind only and maybe he is very much content with how the relationship ended considering I gave him my very own blessing to be happy and move on. I am pissed that his blessing does not work as well as I wanted it to be.

I guess that every recovery has its own ups and downs, it has been difficult for me to let it go completely. I am still struggling but I can feel that time does heal. A new person will come again and I will love again.

My fall semester will start in less than 2 weeks, I am scared for a new beginning – but at the same time, I can feel that I need that beginning to start again. I will take care of myself, I need to stop this stupid self torture.

-Mina

August 23, 2017 at 11:26 am #165312

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Indeed your self torture is unwise. It does no good, not to you, not to anyone at all. You wrote: “A new person will come again and I will love again”- I believe so. Only notice: better you love in a different way, a way that does not include you sacrificing yourself and feeling guilt over the parts of his life you have no … part of, no responsibility.

Regarding information I am lacking- I have very little information about your relationships with your parents. I remember you sharing that they pressure you a whole lot to study, something I believe is difficult on you. You wrote that your dream was (or is) to get married and have a family. I think you want to get away from the pressure by your parents to study and make a prestigious, well paying career for yourself.

I wonder what is the relationship with your parents, how do they keep the pressure on, how do you respond… what are their expectations of you in this coming semester.

anita

August 24, 2017 at 10:18 am #165458

Mina
Participant

Anita,

You always managed to write amazing feedback.

You wrote : “I think you want to get away from the pressure by your parents to study and make a prestigious, well paying career for yourself.”

This is 100 percent correct. And I think you should also put marriage inside those categories other than studying well and earn a prestigious career. My ex was the perfect partner for marriage, not to mention his major is Business – my father had wanted me to study Business but I decided to “rebel” for once and went against him so currently I am studying a different major which my father opposes until now.

My ex speaks three language, very smart, is the student representative of his major, and he is also going to the same prestigious university as me, basically he was everything that my parents had wanted in a son in law. Do you remember me mentioning my ex boyfriend mandatory military service? Mostly couples break up during the 2 years period of the service. I actually was willing to wait for him. I told him that and he was so surprised. He told me that he won’t let me wait. I know that waiting for 2 years isn’t easy but I was willing to go “all in” with a hope that an engagement plan will follow after the military service. I was that desperate to get married. I am probably still desperate even now because if we are still dating, I would still wait for him. I would visit his city every weekend if he really does move college.

Clearly now – the whole marriage plan has failed. So my only way is studying well and pray to earn a really good job after I graduated. It would be better if I had find a guy before I graduated.

Well my relationship with my parents are good. We get along very well. I mentioned how much they spoiled me on my last thread, but I did not realise that the pressure was unbearable for me until you mentioned it here. My parents are quite judgemental on people, maybe that is why. My mom especially made a lot of remarks towards those “nobodies” – what I mean by nobodies are those who married the wrong people (poor, abusive, or uneducated partner) or those who is in their 30s and still haven’t married anyone. Or basically anyone graduating from a university and did not get a well paid job.

She made it clear since I was very little that being those “nobodies” are the worst thing. I admit that I am very scared that I will turn into those people that my mom talks about.

-Mina

August 24, 2017 at 10:30 am #165462
Mina
Participant
Update :

I am not innocent in my relationship with my ex partner. I was “using” him to let the pressure from my parents go to him instead of me. I have no ambition to purse a degree in Business or working in my Fathers company. I was using my partner, hoping that if we marry – he would be the one having to do that. Making my parents wishes come true. I can stay at home while taking care of the kids and the house, and he works outside.

Now, I have no choice but to pursue Business degree as well. It is very tough since I am planing to do a double major. It is also a known fact that my university Business school is the best in the country, so it will be really hard to get it in as my second major. I have to get a perfect GPA next semester. I am determined to get a perfect GPA though. I have no one but myself to rely on.

-Mina
- This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
August 24, 2017 at 10:35 am #165468

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Thank you for your expressed appreciation.

Your mother’s input, since you were a little girl, about “nobodies” is scary for a young girl and for the very young woman that you are. It can be scary lifetime, unless examined, evaluated and somehow resolved so it is no longer scary.

This input puts you in this position: ever since you were able to understand your mother’s input, as a young girl, and until such a time comes (not yet happened) that you satisfy her requirements to be a Somebody, you are in danger of being that Nobody. This is why, on one hand, you have been in a rush to marry a Somebody-man who by marriage will make you a Somebody or, as you stated in your last post, ” my only way is studying well and pray to earn a really good job after I graduated”-

It is your only way to be a Somebody, that is, to win your mother’s approval and not to suffer the horrible lives the Nobodies in the world must be living.

Can you imagine, Nina, that what your mother taught you is not completely true?

If you examine and evaluate her teaching, my goodness, it will save you so much time, energy, resources. It will make your life much easier, free from that pressure of her input.

This examining and evaluating of her input is your other way, I believe.

anita
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