A closure after a tough break up

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This topic has 60 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 16, 2017 at 1:36 am #164186

Mina
Participant

Dear Anita,

Please take your time. I know it is very long, no worries. Thank you very much.

-Mina

August 16, 2017 at 7:10 am #164206

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You wrote that your relationship with your ex boyfriend was one of trust and openness. A few days before the breakup he shut down, was not open. He seemed like a different person and that distressed you. In his first and most recent post-breakup text to you he seemed like his old self and that relieved your distress.

You wrote that you have this “somehow sick view of love” that you have to sacrifice yourself for the one you love, as proof of your love, hiding your real emotions if they may hurt the loved one. You are afraid that if you expressed to your ex your hurt or sadness, that he would feel guilty or a burden, correct?

You wrote: “I am very tired of pretending, keeping secrets… still looking out and putting his happiness above mine.”

In one of your posts on the first page of this thread you wrote: “Me reaching out to him, wishing him a happy birthday was a cry out for help from my side. For others, it is a simple “happy birthday” wishes but for me, deep down inside, it is a cry for help and support from him. I am struggling, I feel like dying please help me kind of cry.”

Can you tell me what this “cry for help” was about? Are you still crying for help, presently?

anita

August 16, 2017 at 7:52 am #164214
Mina
Participant
Dear Anita,

1. “You are afraid that if you expressed to your ex your hurt or sadness, that he would feel guilty or a burden, correct?”

Yes, this is correct. I shut myself down when we broke up, I did not say anything. I pushed inside all of my feelings, all my anger, sadness, and upset feelings. I remember that the only sentence I said to him was : “I am disappointed in you.”

I cannot even cry in front of him, my ex back then told me in the eyes and said that he knew that I would cry after this (after he dropped me off in my house) and that me smiling (I was smiling to hold my tears from coming) was me pretending to be fine. He saw me through.

2. “Can you tell me what this “cry for help” was about? Are you still crying for help, presently?”

The break up was tough, I was (mentally) dying inside. I seek help from almost everyone. From kind stranger like you, my best friends, my old HS teachers, my parents, and I remember praying to God. But I feel like no matter how many advices or supporting words that I got from anyone, it never relief my emptiness and my pain. Everyday was hell and everyday was painful. I decided that the relief that I am looking for – only my ex partner can give it to me. Through that birthday message, he brought me back to life, as I already wrote above. I am slowly getting better after receiving that message. It finally felt like a real nice closure.

*I mentioned that I am still “protecting” my ex with his secret and the relationship was exhausting due to him being stressed out about his life and studies. Is there any correlations between me feeling this way right now and that?

*I do not understand why it is so hard to “forgive” or let go of the situation?

*I do not understand why I am still looking out and putting his happiness above mine?

Would love to hear advices x

-Mina
- This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by Mina.
August 16, 2017 at 8:10 am #164222

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

Is the “cry for help” specific to the breakup only, or is it a cry you had before, before you even met your ex boyfriend?

anita

August 16, 2017 at 9:39 am #164236

Mina
Participant

Dear Anita,

Specific to the break up only.

-Mina

August 16, 2017 at 9:58 am #164240

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

This thread is about your last relationship and the breakup. In your recent post you wrote: “Through that birthday message, he brought me back to life, as I already wrote above. I am slowly getting better after receiving that message. It finally felt like a real nice closure.”

But then you wrote: “I do not understand why it is so hard to “forgive” or let go of the situation?”- so there is no closure?

I am curious about your “somehow sick view of love” that you have to sacrifice yourself for the one you love, as proof of your love, hiding your real emotions. I wonder about the origin of this view. Any idea?

You told your ex boyfriend: “I am disappointed in you.”- I wonder what you meant by it.

You wrote that you are still protecting your ex with his secret. How are you doing that, presently?

Quite a few questions I asked.

anita

August 16, 2017 at 10:24 am #164242

Mina
Participant

Dear Anita,

1. “But then you wrote: “I do not understand why it is so hard to “forgive” or let go of the situation?”- so there is no closure?

There is a closure. I was expecting that after I found this closure, I will be able to let go completely and it will make my pain disappear magically somehow, sorry for the confusion.

2. “I am curious about your “somehow sick view of love” that you have to sacrifice yourself for the one you love, as proof of your love, hiding your real emotions. I wonder about the origin of this view. Any idea?

I am sure you have read all my posts in this thread. I mentioned how much my ex struggles in his life in details, I have no rights to make his life harder … by sacrificing myself – I think I am easing up his pain a bit.

3. “You told your ex boyfriend: “I am disappointed in you.”- I wonder what you meant by it?”

I feel disappointed somehow because he did not fight for our relationship – it was selfish for me to say that knowing his situation but I loved him. I really did and I was hoping we would be able to fight together.

4. “You wrote that you are still protecting your ex with his secret. How are you doing that, presently?”

I told you in previous posts, my ex boyfriend had to lied to a lot of people and hid his depression regarding his study plan. People are asking me why did I broke up etc, but I never once tell them the real answer. Even during the relationship, I never shared anything regarding his struggles. I have no thoughts to tell this story to anyone regarding him, ever. He showed me his most vulnerable side, he trusted me with it. He hasn’t been able to tell his study plan to his faculty and friends yet so I am “protecting” him. If I were mean or vicious, I can email his faculty right now or share it with my friends about how the Chairman of Student Council in Business School is depressed, and he is actually moving university soon abandoning his responsibility.

Hope it clears things up.

-Mina

August 16, 2017 at 10:29 am #164244

Mina
Participant

I apologise if some of my stories sounds inconsistent and confusing, it is kind of hard to try to stick with the stories while adding emotions here and there. I will try to stick to the story more.

-Mina

August 16, 2017 at 10:49 am #164256

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

I feel a bit lost here, on your thread. Is there a question you have for me, at this point?

anita

August 17, 2017 at 8:08 am #164376

Mina
Participant

Dear Anita,

I apologise once again. I should make it shorter.

The one that I want to you to give feedback on is the “weird” view of love of mine. Do you think that I am sacrificing myself because my ex is having a hard time?

-Mina

August 17, 2017 at 9:24 am #164424

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

You asked if I think that you are sacrificing yourself for your boyfriend, that is, if you are giving yourself away for the benefit of your boyfriend. The answer is in your June 23 thread. Here is your answer to your own question: “I wasn’t living my own dream.. I was living HIS dreams instead in order to be with him.”

So yes, you did sacrifice yourself so to maintain a relationship with your boyfriend.

This sacrifice is the reason you wrote in that thread: “I have become a stranger, even to myself. The process of the break up CHANGED me.”

During the relationship your focus was on him, his concerns, his pain, his secrets. That was one kind of living. Following the breakup, your focus (him) is gone. When a person’s focus is gone, a person naturally feels lost.

The fact that you sacrificed yourself so to be with him does not mean that he encouraged it, or that it was good for you, for him, or for the relationship. What it means is that you learned this thinking and behaving before you met your ex boyfriend. Because of your age, it is most likely that you learned this in your relationship with a parent or parents.

anita

August 17, 2017 at 9:36 am #164428

Mina
Participant

Anita,

1. You wrote : “This sacrifice is the reason you wrote in that thread: “I have become a stranger, even to myself. The process of the break up CHANGED me.”

so because of this sacrifice that I made, I felt like I became a totally different person even to myself? correct?

2. You wrote : “During the relationship your focus was on him, his concerns, his pain, his secrets. That was one kind of living.”

was it a bad way for me to live? be honest please

3. You wrote : “Because of your age, it is most likely that you learned this in your relationship with a parent or parents.”

can you explain more about this? I am not really understanding. so one of my parent or both of my parents, are somehow teaching me that I have to sacrifice myself for another person if I love them?

-Mina

August 17, 2017 at 10:47 am #164438

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

1. The original definition of the verb sacrifice is to kill an animal or person as an offer to god, to a supernatural entity. When you sacrificed yourself to your boyfriend, you sort of killed part of yourself as an offering. Good news is that part of you is not dead, just put on hold. You need that part so to not be a stranger to yourself.

2. Yes, focusing on him at the exclusion of you (sacrifice) is a bad way to live- it is bad for you, for him, for the relationship.

3. Yes, someone taught you to sacrifice yourself, an important part of yourself, so to get along with him or her. Someone taught you that part of you is not acceptable and you have to put it away if you want his or her approval. Because our parent/s are our biggest teachers, when present in our lives, I figure it is one of them. Or both.

anita

August 17, 2017 at 11:18 am #164444

Mina
Participant

Anita,

1. So in order for me to feel “complete” again – I have to s0mehow “take back” of the part that I had sacrificed for my ex right?

2. I understand your point, thank you.

3. I am thinking so hard about this. I have never felt like I sacrificed anything important of myself to my parents. Although I do hide or sacrifice a part of myself when it comes to socialising with people. I do not really show my true side to a lot of people. Maybe this could be the reason?

Thanks for the feedback x

-Mina

August 17, 2017 at 11:28 am #164448

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mina:

1. Correct.

2. You are welcome.

3. It is the symptom, or the result, not the reason. You learned to sacrifice a part of yourself. Someone taught you. It is impossible for a child to understand this and it is very difficult for an adult child to figure it out, that a parent taught them to put away an important part of themselves. It is difficult because you don’t have a different experience growing up than the one you had, so you have nothing to compare it to.

If you think about what your mother, let’s say, disapproved about you, what she still disapproves of, that will give you a clue.

anita
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