Dear Mina:

I am responding to your last three posts.

You asked regarding your mother motivating you by using fear: “How can I replace fear with some other type of motivation?”- fear motivates us to run away (Flight) or to Fight. Choose a value like Love, Justice, Well-being which motivates us to do the opposite of Flight, running away which would be to… reach out, try something new, approach. A value that is the opposite of Fight, which would be… Love.

Regarding your ex boyfriend deleting his Facebook yesterday, meaning he was probably accepted by his new university, and you won’t be seeing him next semester. You feel that he is closing a chapter in his life with you in it. I suppose you were focused on him during the relationship, sacrificed was the word you used, sacrificed a good part of yourself in the relationship. You feeling deleted by his Facebook deletion has to do with that focus, that sacrifice. This focus is the reason to “every single time something happened to my ex partner or there has been a change in him… my emotions is in a turmoil”.

My advice, to put it simply, is to shift your focus to yourself.

You wrote that the relationship was everything to you, and sometimes it still is. You wrote: “When I am with him, I feel safe”- that is the nature of emotional attachment, you feel safe when emotionally attached.

The fact that you felt that you will not be judged by him, speak truthfully and comfortably, that he listened to you and gave you meaningful advice, a new way to look at your life, accepted and encouraged you to be you, never rude to you, always respected, these are all good things, very good things. Remember these things so to expect them in your next relationship, to look for these things.

You were a college couple, shared friends, attended events together, saw each other about once a week, overall 3-4 months. He broke off the short relationship because of the upcoming changes in his life.

When we form a strong emotional attachment to another person, separating from that person is painful. There is safety in the attachment, and a feeling of danger in undoing the attachment. This is natural.

In the unit of attachment formed, you-boyfriend, the “boyfriend” is gone but the “you”  is still there. Take your focus from the unit, specifically from the “boyfriend” part of the unit, and bring it to the “you” part of the unit.

Translate this to specific thoughts and behaviors.

anita