Thanks for your reply.

I do devote much of my thoughts and energy to my son, which is rewarding. At one time that was enough to hold me over for years, but I feel the need for more in my personal life.

I mentioned money once, but it does fit the larger narrative of a sense of lacking, so I can understand that perception.

I do think you’re right about not looking for love. That’s pretty much what happened with my ex-girlfriend; I was focused on another woman and seemed happy as I was at the time.

That’s the catch in that scenario, though. Like so many things in life, you need “both/and” to have the most opportunities and the ability to seize them. In that case I clearly was focused elsewhere and presented as someone who had a sense of peace and well-being.

That’s the paradox of attraction, and one of the major issues with relating to people when you have severe depression is that you end up with “neither”. You’re not OK in your own skin and you need others for a sense of validation, which turns people right off.

The other issue is low energy, which might be a problem for making money on the side. I can’t have roommates and my family lives 2 hours away.

As for the dozen active friendships? Let me put it like this: small town, I don’t fit in well here, depression, natural introvert. Nice dream, but it’s not gonna happen. I’d be happy to have one at this stage.

Overall I think the issue is my anxiety and depression combined with limited opportunities. If I could stop the endless thoughts and get more balance I would be doing what I realistically can.

So far though I can’t turn it off up there.