Anita,

I have a weird update regarding the situation.

Yesterday, a few of my friends including my best guy friend (the one that likes me) dropped off at the airport. To put it simply, he was the last person to leave out of all my friends even my family. I did not think about it much since his house is near the airport so I figured he can stay until the very last boarding moment.

It was time to board my plane and he asked for a hug. I was confused for a moment but decided to gave him a half hug (side by side not front to front kind of hug) and left after saying a quick bye. I did not have any problems with hugging or touching if he does not have other intentions but we all know that he does at this point. More than that, he uploaded a few Instagram posts that were just … off in my opinion. He posted on his way to the airport with the heart captions, and after I left, he posted a sad crying emoji. He was being too obvious.

A lot of my friends suggested me to tell him clearly that I do not like him that way, the thing is – I am not the type to say these kind of thing first. Since he hasn’t officially confessed to me yet… I cannot officially reject him either, you know? More than that, he was a really good friend of mine. I do not understand why he suddenly thinks that he can “replace” my ex boyfriend place in such a short period. It makes me mad.

I want to confess something really embarrassing, I have a private Instagram account that only has 27 followers (all of them are my super close friends) and inside that account, it was like all about my ex boyfriend. I wrote a lot of super depressing stories about my past relationship (for example, I posted a congrats post when he was accepted at his dream university, a farewell post when he enlisted for the air force, or a bittersweet post when our favourite Japanese restaurant closed. very personal unimportant stuff but still.. very personal)

My best friend must have read most of this. I am not over my ex boyfriend. There are some days or moment when I go out and had so much fun that I forgot about him but it does not make my feelings for him disappear. After yesterday`s incident, I feel really weird and confused. It was so shocking and real that it took the focus off from my ex boyfriend to my best friend (for the wrong reasons, unfortunately)

At that moment, I felt a shift. I do not feel a strong connection with my ex as I used to. It was quite scary to feel so disconnected from my ex boyfriend. During the break up, I always in a sense follow what my ex prefers me to do. It wasn’t a bad idea at all, since my ex was a very positive influential in my life. I became a lot more nicer, brave and accepting of people after the break up. I toughen up a bit.

Anita, I really do not know what I am supposed to do right now. I am feeling a bit jet lagged due to my flight and I cannot think logically about what is happening inside of my heart and my brain. I do not know how I can reject this bets friend of mine without being super forward.. and I would also like to keep our friendship. It might sounds selfish but I am so tired at dealing with these kind of problems. It has not even been a week since I truly found a satisfying closure from my past relationship yet guys always seems to pop out of nowhere and made my life so difficult.

I really want to honour my ex boyfriend and my past relationship with starting my life again and moving on, but it is so hard since he was so involved inside my life (and I was so involved inside his), and I cannot magically remove him in one day. It will take some time, maybe a month, maybe 3 months, maybe a year, who knows? I am trying to detached myself from him and the relationship but how can I do that with my current situation? I cannot detach from my ex boyfriend if someone is waiting for me to accept his feelings. It made me feel very guilty and disgusted at myself …. because I haven’t been able to grief properly and move on properly in my opinion. I need time to re-think the value of the kind of a  relationship that I want and whether I want to actually date seriously anytime soon or not.

Thinking about my ex boyfriend for 3 months, for 24/7 was very exhausting both mentally and physically – I hate the fact that my best friend made me “confuse” – I know that I do not like him like that, but he must have think that this is a vulnerable point in my life (which is true) so he is trying to take a chance. It must have worked at some point because there are times when he reminds me of my ex boyfriend (the way that he treated me)

Maybe IF it is not my best friend, if it is another guy that I truly like, maybe things will be different but right now I feel kind of trapped by own foolishness because I was desperate to be treated as much as my ex used to treat me by someone. Anyone, really.

I would like to hear your feedback and advices. I am sorry if I sound kind of all over the place, my head is hurting from the red eye flight.

-Mina