Anita,

Sorry for coming off kind of rude on last reply to you… I have been having a hard time adjusting to my new university life without my ex boyfriend.

Things are a bit rough, especially on nights like these. I feel like life is not moving when I am here. I had fun and laughed with my friends and then I realise that I am actually for real alone. I saw my university after almost 2 months of not seeing it, I went to one of my favourite late night snack store and the lady there asked me where was my boyfriend. I used to went there often with him, due to his busy schedules- usually our date goes almost overnight.

Things are moving almost in the same pace as my old life – the only thing that is missing… it is him, Anita.

I talked with some of our mutual friends, and they are surprised to see how I was still very much in denial. I still talk about him like I used to, and I still adore him, thinking that he is the best person that has ever existed. My friends refuted this and basically calls me out for being on a denial phase. Like for me, my ex was is still very much my prince charming. Our love has only been stopped temporarily, I believe that he will come back to me and we will be together again if it is meant to be. Maybe I will date other person in between and maybe love some too but … he will be the one for me.

It is my first admitting this to anyone. I think my ex boyfriend is the one. There, I said it.

Right now – I am not in any condition to talk about my best friend. I do not care about him. I do not care about his feelings at all to the point that I do not even want to bother to give him closure or a clear rejection. Why should I do that? I am in so much pain because I haven’t been able to take the focus off my boyfriend, I am inside a jail that I made myself. I want to focus on myself but I struggle so hard… should I reach out to him, Anita?

To ask him about life in general… it gets too unbearable for me sometimes and it really hurts me. Maybe I should be honest with my ex boyfriend and instead of going on with the whole stupid sacrifice thing, I should just admit it to him that I am very much struggling and I get very sad very often too. Maybe he can say something that would help me a bit.. I do not know.

All I can say to him is…. help me. I was feeling pretty much similar to this before his birthday and it gets “relieved” when I congratulated him on his birthday and I felt like I was understood after holding on to so much pain and pretending that I am fine. I know that If I contact him every single time I felt like this, there would come a day that even his reply wouldn’t matter much and wouldn’t relieve my pain.

I am not a suicidal person at all, I am very bubbly but lately – I keep thinking that maybe there isn’t a way out for me. I am so scared and tired. Maybe If by some kind of a miracle, I died and go to heaven, maybe I will finally be free of this pain. There were a lot of times when I prayed to God very sincerely to give my life to someone else that needed it. Someone who is actually living. Why would God gave me this precious life to someone who isn’t really living like me? The only thing that beats is my heart, my soul is already dead. I confessed these kind of thoughts to my pastor and he told me that I shouldn’t lose my faith. That I should trust and believe God`s plan for me, that His plan is always the best. That I should wait.

And feedback and advices would be very appreciated x

-Mina