Hi J.P.

I hope that my words to you find you well on the way to a much better and a more loving life. Toxic relationships, IMO, are one of the worst feelings to endure. When friends/people tell me they are in a toxic relationship and want out, invariably my advice comes in the form of a question; what do you do if you step on a piece of glass? You find that have two choices. Either leave the broken piece of glass in and let infection take it’s course, possibly lose the infected foot, or, remove the piece of glass and begin to heal. I understand it is easy to deal with a broken piece of glass in your foot, but an emotional connection with someone who is toxic is difficult to overcome, but far from impossible. Unless you choose to remain in that relationship. Sometimes, when we find that we need to leave a bad relationship, the “nostalgia about the past, how great things used to be between me and my ex fiancée” makes it difficult as you know. You said, “She makes it hard for me to leave and I really don’t know what to do.” Her making it hard for you to leave seems to me that she is well practiced in the art of manipulation so it’s not about you. It’s not about what you want. It’s about her and what she wants. Clearly this relationship is a dichotomy of you vs me, and not we. You question of “I really don’t know what to do.” is really easy to answer. Regain control of your life so that you can “become the person I used to be.” But this cannot happen unless you take control of your life and leave. But not to worry. She will find another person to manipulate and control. You are not some object made available to someone who manipulates you and creates a toxic relationship. You are a human who deserves respect but this respect must first come from you respecting you. As long as you choose to remain in this relationship, as each moment passes you miss out on the opportunity to meet someone that you CAN be happy with.

You said that  you “ went into this relationship right after being engaged to someone that I would consider the “love of my life.” How soon after that relationship did you get involved with this person? I’m thinking that the current relationship happened too fast for you to assess what went wrong with your “love of my life.” Thinking about what went wrong with the engagement is a tool you can use to help you understand how to hopefully avoid repeating it again.

If the current timing and circumstances are such that it is difficult to leave immediately, then make a plan and a date you want to make the move. Once that is in place, make the move. When you said, “For some reason ive had a really hard time letting go,” this is because you are attached to the nostalgic, events from the past. You must realize that the good times were once upon a time and you need to represent in the here and now, because the “now” is where the toxicity is taking place with the nostalgia is a method she uses to manipulate you, thus you stay thinking things will get better. A 4 year history of a toxic relationship should be more than enough time to realize this relationship is not going to work. You said, “Im scared of being alone.” My friend, for 4 years you have been alone. It is time for you to respect yourself, love yourself, leave, and be open to “meet somebody that I can be happy with.”

Pearce