Anita,

I see your point. I agree that my mother since I was a kid did not gave me any chance to really express how I feel. I am open to my parents for every single thing except for my own feelings. I guess I do have troubles expressing it even though I am a person full of warm and love. I was taught that expressing emotions isn’t good. Expressing emotion means … I am weak. Vulnerable and I will be easily attacked by people. I do not feel safe and confident when I express my emotions and my opinions in front of a lot of people that I do not know very well.

My mother teaching might have pushed me further to have a very deep attachment towards my ex boyfriend, I can see it now as well, for all these reasons :

1. I am actually working my first job right now (part time, only 3 hour per week) – I tutor high school students. I get pay very well per hour considering my age and my academic background (haven’t even graduated from university) and my ex was the first person who encouraged me to took it. He told me that it has a good fee and how I can fill my free time with it. I was hesitating about taking it, because I do not need the money and I felt like at that time – my life was so perfect. I do not need any kind of jobs. But my ex told me that it was a great opportunity for me. He was right.

2. He was my first boyfriend that told me to relax. To be myself, and that it okay to express things to him as it is. He will never judge and he will always try to understand. He ACCEPTED me. He told me that some of things that I was nervous to tell him about was really nothing big to him. I was worrying about nothing, I was so worried about scaring him away or embarrassing myself but the truth was … it was all in my mind.

3. He was my first boyfriend that understand my insecurity of being judged by my physical appearance. I was and still is the type of person that needs to go out with the perfect hair and outfit, even going to college, I need to make a statement with the way I look. I am very greedy and desperate to received acknowledgement from people. From strangers. I remember that I had a plan to meet one of the best friend of my ex boyfriend, I freaked out about how I should dress up and act, my ex told me very clearly that I do not have to worry at all, that his friends are all very nice and open minded. Which turned out to be very true (as expected from my ex … he isn’t the type to be friends with jerks) – and his friends even complimented me a lot of times. Tried to make me feel accepted and relax during our meeting as well.

I guess for 19 years, I have never felt like people understand me emotionally. My ex boyfriend never said anything but he understood me by his actions. He let me be myself … with all of my weird and messy emotions. He told me that it isn’t messy or weird, that I am in fact normal for feeling emotions. Expressing it to him isn’t a sin, and that I can always express how I feel to him. He told me that with him – I do not have to try extra to be nice (like being extra nice even when I do not feel like it, I still do it everyday in my life. I fake nice to people just because … it became a habit and I am scared of being judged as a bitch)

I did not realise how big it was for me emotionally to finally be accepted by someone. Especially to be accepted by someone that I love very much. To receive his blessing and acknowledgement about everything that I am very ashamed and scared of myself. He wasn’t my first boyfriend or my first love but he sure was (is) something very important to me.

What do you think about this?

I tried to be as logical as possible while connecting ways of how my parents raised me and the reason why I became so unhealthily attached to someone.

You wrote : “Regarding #1 and #2: maybe, maybe not, depending on the fear factor. We close our eyes so not to see what we are afraid to see.”

I want to open my eyes now, Anita. Even if it is scary – I will want to see reality as reality If I do contact him.

You wrote : “The thing with fear in this context though is that what we fear already happened. We are afraid as if it didn’t happen yet. The breakup already happened and you fear it as if it didn’t happen yet.”

So for me right now inside my head according to you, the break up did not happened? that I am denying that such things ever took place? but I know …. that I broke up with him, though. Like my brain understood and accepted that I did broke up, that he isn’t my boyfriend anymore. How can I overcome this non existent break up If I keep denying and refusing it?

Is there any way for my ex boyfriend to help me see and accept the break up then?

I would love feedback and advices as usual x

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mina.