Anita.

I have thought many times exactly what you are saying. Sometimes I think…. am I abusive? And I freak myself out because I don’t want to be that…. but then sometimes I tell myself is HE abusive? I think it’s a little crazy to lie to someone so much and agree that they need help and constantly reassure someone so much when in fact…. you’re lying to their face and then I sometimes struggle with… is that something I should put up with “is he really as bad as I think he is that I should just leave?”.

I know I’m young I know this is my first relationship I know it’s a learning process but if you actually think I am the abusive one… how can I change that? How can I not be this monster ? I can say that where I am from my culture I’m Cuban Brazilian that my ENTIRE family is made up of dominant women and the woman is always the one that “wears the pants”. I can say it hasn’t worked out so well my grandma got cheated on my great grandma got divorced my mom was abused and now she is in complete control of the relationship with my step dad but I don’t think their relationship is HEALTHY.

Are all the mistakes my boyfriend has made and the decisions he’s made partly due to my behavior and my controlling/abusive behavior???

I know you only know our relationship through this website and not firsthand. But we really are the most affectionate couple on the planet. He is my biggest supporter I am his. I help him with school make his class schedules I constantly motivate him to become what I think he could be and he does the same for me. It’s not all this abusive and nonsense all the time at all I guess it only occurs when I have obsessive thoughts about what he did/lied about/what else there is etc or when I’m REALLY happy with him.

I don’t want to look back at this relationship and think that I was abusive and didn’t even know really know it or try to fix it. How can I make this change? I told you he is willing to go to counseling alone to figure himself out and why he feels that sometimes he lacks empathy (AKA looking at me in the face CRYING & still lying).

I just don’t get why no matter what anyone tells me “oh you didn’t need to know” “he did nothing wrong except lie about it” I still constantly think what he did was like the biggest sin in the world and I am a fool for forgiving and letting go of it.

Also with him changing he doesn’t say it was because of me exactly he says he just realized what was important and that his fooling around and drunk college ways wasn’t going to benefit his future and he wanted to act like a grown man.

I really don’t want to break up I don’t I really don’t. I want to fix myself and stop my behavior and focus on moving forward and forgiving his indiscretions. And I want him to be healthy enough to have dignity and be an honest man but I also do want him to have equal control when it comes to the relationship.

Another thing I can add and you can give opinion on is that I take this relationship TOO seriously. I’m not seeing it for what it is… a college relationship. An experience. A time to have fun have a partner and just do a period of time together even if it’s not forever. We had so many fun things planned for this semester and so many exciting things happening and if I could just live in the moment I think I would be SO happy. I feel like I’m seeing this as a marriage, a marriage I’m clearly too young to be in instead of just as a life experience everyone has. Does that make sense?