Anita,

I think it is time for me to be honest about why I am avoiding reality and closing my eyes on it.

It took me this long but I am going to say it finally. The words that haunted me for a long time, I am literally shaking while typing because it so hard and painful for to admit this to anyone. Because admitting it means  I am one step closer to the reality I am very afraid of.

My ex boyfriend told me something during the break up that I haven’t told you yet.

I actually asked him during the break up, why did we have to break up NOW? We still have at least 6-7 months until February 2018 (his semester will start next year) – we can continue to date until then. I mean we can talk about the break up next year after seeing things instead of breaking up now. I told him that I won’t mind If we actually break up for real next year, because the LDR will be too hard, I understand that and I will not demand to continue the relationship.

He answered saying that it is mentally too much for him right now and even If he comes back for one last semester here, he thinks he won’t have the time to date at all. He felt like having a girlfriend last semester had its “negative” effects on him too. He told me that since he is in a relationship – he couldn’t properly focus on college life.

Maybe it is nothing to you, Anita. But for me … it was like hearing that my love for him was a burden to him, that being with me was a burden. That the relationship did not helped with his army or new uni problems but was actually adding into it. I am in so much pain due to that words that he probably did not even remember saying now. I was blaming myself for those words that he told me.

I remember that a few days before the break up, we got into a small fight. I told him how I am not the type of person that can go over a long period of time without seeing her boyfriend (at that time we almost haven’t met each other for a good 2-3 weeks due to final exams) – my ex boyfriend actually MET with his Business Major friends before he met me. I think I was personally hurt by how met his friends before his girlfriend. Especially since I was going to go back home for 2 months for the summer holiday so I think it would be good to meet my ex boyfriend before I went back. I told him that and he got distant after that. I think he was starting to think about the break up after that fight. That was the turning point for my ex boyfriend.

During the break up talk, I do not know If it is due to his depression or he just wanted to find excuses to break up –  another reasons to break up is because he thinks it will be too hard to continue the relationship since I am going back to my home country for the summer holiday. I was going back only for 2 months, Anita. It sounded so insincere and so unlike him. I felt like MAYBE there is a deeper bigger reason behind it. He told me a lot of logical reasons such as army and new college life but that one last reason was very irrelevant to me.

To give you a bit of a background, me going back to my home country was not a problem at all for him before the break up. I was coming back and he knew it. We were going to video chat everyday and call each other and I even told him my summer holiday plan in details. I was confused at why he suddenly brought that as a reason during the break up.

I am sure reading my last few threads about how he treated me made you think about what an amazing young man is but like you said … he isn’t perfect. He isn’t God. During the relationship, he was pretty busy – there were a lot of times when both of us (mostly me) had to make a really good effort to even meet each other outside school. There were a lot of times when I had to wait for him and buy him coffee to talk for a good 2-3 minute before he had to move class to another building. Or when I quickly had to done my assignments because he has a free time to watch a concert together on a Friday night. I sacrificed a lot just to be with him, in a sense.

My ex boyfriend is well aware of this. He was constantly feeling sorry for not taking care of me well like most boyfriends are (picking up their girlfriends, buying them flowers, or go on a date every weekend due to his student council schedules that includes weekend as working hours as well) – I was the one taking care of him instead, and I did not mind at all because I loved him. There were times when I felt like I was in a one sided relationship because I could not meet him freely or meet him very often.

I felt like he was not as invested as me in the relationship and it is very hard for me to admit this. Considering all these things I have wrote to you above – you will be able to grasp the situation fully. I am very afraid that maybe he never loved me and the relationship to him was never meant that much at all to him.

Do you remember how I ask you what kind of questions that I should ask because I do not know what kind of questions that I should ask him? The truth is, I do not know want to know because the questions that I want to ask him is the things that I am denying itself right now. That the relationship was nothing to him. and he never loved me. and he never cared about me at all. and most importantly – whether he broke up with me ONLY because of the military and new college not because of something else / other reasons he is not telling me. 

That was the real questions that I want to ask him, Anita.

-Mina