Anita,

Thank you for your well thought out answers. I understand that since you do not know my ex personally, or the exact nature of the relationship (expressions, body language, conversation etc) – it is hard for you to give a definite answers. I understand, but I appreciate your response very much still. It means a lot.

You wrote :”… take on himself more than he can handle and continue to strive for the impossible, perfect performance in more and more endeavors, leading him, in intimate relationships. to dysfunction and overall lack of well-being.”

I know my ex boyfriends past relationships in details. Almost all of it. I have mentioned previously that we based our relationship in being open and honest, so we knew about each other exes quite well. My ex has only been with another girl officially besides me in the past. They started dating when they were 14/15 and broke up because my ex was moving to another city (he was living in China at that moment because of his fathers work) – the funny thing is they started dating AGAIN when my boyfriend was around 17, just like my relationship with him, their relationship was also very short lived. My ex boyfriend broke up with his ex girlfriend for ALMOST the same identical reasons as the reason why we broke up. He told her that he needed to focus on his SAT and college prep in Korea, the ex girlfriend was so mad at my ex that she splashed my ex with coffee during the break up. Yes, very dramatic indeed.

I understand why she was so mad though. My ex boyfriend was the one being so excited about being in a relationship but he gave up so easily – now that I think about it, my ex boyfriend has some problems in building a relationship that is stable and long term due to his perfectionist nature. Why start a relationship in the first place when you are never emotionally ready or available? That was the question. I asked him that (when he told me that dramatic ex girlfriend story) and he told me that of course he did not know that he would break up with her, that he did not know that the preparations for SAT was going to that hard, that he did not know that he will move to Korea soon, basically saying how he cannot predict the future of the relationship due to things that are constantly changing in his life.

Those reasons reminds me so much of the reason why we broke up, that he did not know that the military will call him so early and how he he did not know that he actually wants to move college in the middle of the semester and how he did not expected student council would be very demanding. I told him this during the break up talk that he might have some problems and how he is taking relationships very lightly. He wasn’t able to say anything about it. He is a smart person, maybe if he think about it hard enough, he will understand why it is hard for him to date someone long term.

What do you think, Anita? You have my ex details about his past relationships now, do you think that his personality to achieve everything perfectly is taking a toll in his romantic relationships with women?

You asked : “Is it possible for you to attend quality psychotherapy so to explore this?”

I would love to, but you have to be aware how depression and mental illness is looked down here in Korea. Having them means you are crazy, If I do receive a real therapy or getting help from a mental hospital, I would have red records on my resume. Mental illness isn’t a disease worth talking about or have discussion about. It is a taboo here. For the sake of my future career, I cannot take any risks. My ex boyfriend, he mentioned how he actually wanted go see a therapist and get a real help from experts but for people like him (and me) getting treatments means we have no thoughts about working in big important companies, because they do not accepted mentally sick people and even the people who is 100 percent cured isn’t accepted because they have records about getting treatment. They are afraid that it would intervene with our work if we someday got it back.

I do have a plan to make an appointment with the university counsellor though. What do you think about this?

-Mina

• This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by Mina.