Anita,

Thank you for the compliment! You are right. I wasn’t in a good condition when I read your thread. I was very shaken up, and was filled with a lot of guilt.

You wrote : “His comment about using mental illness as an excuse came from someplace, from previous thought, private thoughts he did not share.”

That is what I thought as well. My ex talked about a lot of personal stuff regarding his past exes, his family problem and his studies but his mental health was never seriously discussed. At that time, I wasn’t well aware of his mental health problems. I remember one time that he told me how he isn’t sure about things in his life. Especially about his future and his study in our college. He feels very lost at that time and I feel like I wasn’t able to say anything comforting or any answers to help him when he expressed his concern, I have regrets regarding that.

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This is irrelevant to the last reply above but I would like to share about my day and my current mood, I hope you do not mind, Anita 🙂

Today wasn’t a very good day for me. These past few days has been ok, I did not feel like life is a burden to me. I felt quite happy when I interacted with some of my friends during a class and I went to watch a sport competition over the weekend with my  best friend here and it was a lot of fun.

Today though, my head was filled with a lot of sad and bad thoughts about life. How life isn’t worth living, how ending my life would be the answer to all of my problems. I read a story about a girl named Madison Holleran, she reminds me a lot of my own self currently – that Madison girl ended up killing herself and left a suicide note quoting Virginia Woolfe : “I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in.”

It describes everything that I am going through. Seeing her life story is like seeing my own life. I was very shaken up reading her story and thinking about … that maybe I will end up like her as well. She is also 19 just like me and is also an academic over achiever attending a prestige university, even our GPA is the same. Her last GPA as a freshman before she killed herself is the same as mine. Just like her, I wasn’t giving any credits to myself for the GPA – I think it was all because of the curve, not because I studied hard.

I feel so scared, so afraid that maybe that is how my life will end up. Just like Madison, I understand her feelings of being locked in. I hope that my story will turn out differently from hers… I really do.

P.s, this is Madisons story :  

I hope you do not mind.

-Mina