Dear Mina:

I didn’t read your very last post until this morning (posted last not aware of it).

You wrote there: “I do not want to hate my mother”- I don’t want you to hate yourself.

You wrote: “Even If she is indeed rejecting me, imagine how life must have been very difficult for her to act like that towards me.”- life has been very difficult for you, Mina.

You wrote: “I feel so sad for her”- do you feel sad for you?

When you are loyal to the person who rejects you, you keep rejecting yourself. The price for your empathy for your mother, for you unwilling to feel anger at her, is that you keep doing what she did and does to you: rejecting yourself, blaming yourself.

You wrote: “I ruined her life” because you were born. As if it was your choice for your mother and father to have had sex and for her egg to join his sperm.

Three days ago you wrote: “I feel so awful. I am so sorry. So sorry. I do not even have the rights to be depressed when I drive the person that I loved the most in this world to a depression.
I am not even human… I am such an awful person, my ex boyfriend is alone suffering… I am very selfish.”

I will replace your ex boyfriend, to whom you were referring to, with your mother, whom you projected into him, and it goes like this: I feel so awful, mother, so sorry…I drove you to a life of suffering. You are suffering because of me. I am so selfish…

This is very tough to see this reality and endure it but this is the only way for you to get well. Take  your time, take a break from it and return to it later, when you are calm, when you are ready. Take your side, have your well being as your first priority, not your mother’s.

Post anytime. I am on your side. Your well being is what I care about here, not your mother’s.

anita