Dear lost_star:

Glad you posted again on your thread.

I re-read your posts in this two page thread (not my replies) and then read your last post. Your last post reads very reasonable to me. Regarding trusting him, reads to me that he is trustworthy and therefore your trust in his is realistic.

It doesn’t seem to me that your ex boyfriend says things “in passing” that are true one day but not the next, not things of importance- it is your experience that he has been consistent in what he told you and in his actions throughout time. There is another reason I think what he says, he means and takes seriously and that is his strong guilt/ sense of responsibility for his parents. A person who feels so guilty and who tries so hard as he does, to benefit his parents, is not likely to say things in passing.

Referring to what I re-read: he gave money to his sister so his parents will not be deprived of their money by giving it to the sister. He is taking care of his parents. He first tried to talk to them into not giving their money to their daughter, his sister (for her legal battles), but when they refused and turned on him, his reaction was to give his own money so to prevent his parents from spending their own. This is heavy-duty guilt.

When he told you “something along the lines of he knows I will be happier without him in the long run and thus he rather let me go rather than for me to suffer with him” (August 21 post)- he was correct.

If you were in a relationship with him again, if you married him, you will probably see your money spent on his parents. This will be done to relieve his guilt. But his guilt will not be relieved and soon enough it will require another giving. This will cause you resentment, just as he resents it himself. Part of him, I believe, resents his parents and is angry about the sacrifices he is making. It is that part that pushed him to spend money on his gaming, as if saying: I want to have fun too! When is my turn to enjoy my money?

Your choice in regard to a possible relationship with him, as I see it, is to suffer with him or … no, there is no choice. If you are in a relationship with him, you will suffer. His guilt allows nothing but suffering.

Best you can do is to continue to focus on your well-being- you can reduce suffering in the world, your own. Your suffering is not less important, not less worthy of being alleviated, than any other person’s. By alleviating your own, by not suffering yourself, somehow, you make life better for others. It works that way. By suffering as well, you make life worse for others. That is how it is, really.

anita