Thank you both for your responses.

I can agree that I probably do have too much going on, unfortunately quitting school is not really an option in my mind.  While it is a major source of stress I lack only 1 1/2 years before I’m done. If I was to quit now and go back to the work I was doing with my bachelors, I would soon want to be back in school asap, because the type of social work jobs you get with a bachelors are ridiculous in regards to pay and stress level. Right now school is my #1 priority because it would grant me the financial stability I’ve never had.  I have been looking for other student jobs at the university however, hopefully something works out for me.

I’ve been contemplating talking with my dad, I have alot of anger and disgust towards him right now, though I still love him, I don’t know that I want to be around an abusive person who refuses to look inside themselves and make a change, or get help that’s not court ordered.

I think whats hurts the most in regards to my parents, is that I never felt cared for. The lack of love which has been missing from my life (source of depression), is what motivates to me to want to date even though i have nothing to offer to anyone right now except my misery. At the same time i would hate to attract another unhealthy relationship which is why I am ambivalent about dating at all. But i need something soon. Like I said before suicide is off the table though i still have thoughts from time to time. I know i have a purpose which is what keeps me here but i don’t want to feel like a martyr, I desperately want to find some enjoyment in life.

Im becoming afraid of myself again, I seriously considered cutting a couple days ago which i haven’t done in 2 years, i find myself screaming in frustration, and crying every morning trying to find the physical and emotional strength to step out of my door. I don’t know how but i just do it, with a fake ass smile on my face.

I have tried to stop caring for my mom so much but she wears my sister out in the same way, and its taking its toll on her too, which I can’t stand to watch so I keep taking care of my mom to hopefully lighten the load on my sister. I don’t see that there are too many other areas where I can control my current stress level other than modifying my relationship with my mom, even then if i stopped caring so much i would just feel guilty, and maybe feel worse. It is so difficult for me to see my problems as important, my therapist labored over this with me, and i hate myself for not loving myself, bit of a paradox there, but i swear i try i just don’t always know how to go about it.

Im sorry if im being pessimistic, it just feels like barely anything about life is in my control or ever really has been. I think back to a quote from Viktor Frankl often, that goes something like when life is completely out of our control all we have left is to choose our attitude towards a situation. I promise I’m trying hard to stay positive, there was a time when I didn’t care at all and would just let my negativity take over. I’m just very tired right now, and i think i’m reaching a point where i feel as if this dynamic with myself is going to go on forever because i’m trying but not necessarily feeling any happier about things.