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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 267 total)
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  • #426823
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your Replies, I hope you had a good holiday.

    I’m sorry i take so long to reply here, my life feels like it moves way too fast for me to keep up most days.

    Lately i go through periods of doing well and feeling good about myself, back to anxiety and shame. I will probably break up with my gf of 1.5 years today. I have had 2 anger outburst towards her in the past month. This morning she was making rice for her lunch, and told me to watch it while she showered. If i didnt take it off the heat it was going to burn. When she left the bathroom i entered. She went to the kitchen and noticed the rice wasn’t cooked to her liking and came to the bathroom door to ask me what happened. As i started to explain she cut me off (big trigger for me, its what triggers most of my outburst with her, not feeling heard) and i yelled “fuck” to myself in the bathroom, I wanted to throw something but i did not. i went to the basement after and we didnt say anything else to eachother for the rest of the morning and she left for work. The last outburst i had with her while we were driving home for xmas was because i felt ashamed when i couldnt figure out how to get the hi-beams in her car work right. She just kept going on about how i dont listen right and i screamed while driving the car. I’ve probably had about 4-5 of these type outburst with her in the past 2 years. Something about the way she communicates with me triggers me heavily. I think i need to break up with her as it’s not getting better, and i feel far to anxious about housing, work, and transportation to be fully present with her.

    I am worried that i may never be able to maintain a healthy relationship with a woman in my life. I seem to be highly sensitive to criticism, and relationships seem to be full of criticism for me.

    I dont think i mentioned it, but i had a panic attack during a therapy session a few weeks ago. My anxiety has never been this bad before, Im used to being depressed not carrying this much anxiety. I’m struggling to save any money on my therapist salary, i will likely have to move in with my sister for 6mo-1yr this summer until i can afford to buy a home. I feel like such a failure right now. I did sign up for a marathon in april to try to get myself motivated to take care of myself again, which has been helpful as i’ve been running more the past few weeks despite the cold weather.

    Im worried about myself, I feel wound up all the time. Being a therapist has been difficult for me lately as i feel so emotionally drained and have a hard time being present with others.

    I need a break badly, a real break, not a few days off work.

    please tell me it gets better

    #425712
    noname
    Participant

    I am happy to hear you have been well, despite only having text communication, you have been an amazing support in my life when i feel i have no where else to turn. I am very grateful for you!

    While i have made significant improvements in my mental health, shame has been the most difficult thing to work with. Being in relationships triggers my shame the worst. At the same time i realize i need to be triggered to an extent to work on healing the wounded parts of myself. Unfortunately due to the high financial stress i have been under since the start of the pandemic i have been more isolated these past few years. Lately i’m having a hard time responding to calls, texts, emails etc. Everything feels exhausting.

    I also realized there is no respite for me in the near or distant future, I have no choice but to continue working day in and day out if i want to keep my independence. At the same time my stress levels are unsustainable. My goal is to be internally well no matter what my external circumstances may be. I have been slacking on my self-work, I dont meditate, exercise, self-reflect, or socialize as much as i need to. I’m not giving up though!

     

    #425687
    noname
    Participant

    I didn’t realize i haven’t posted here in years! I’m doing alright Anita how have you been? The past couple years have been a rollercoaster. My cousin was murdered in march 2022 trying to help a friend, that has been on my heart everyday since. I miss him.

    I also have been in a relationship since April 2022, thats going okay. We definitely have our issues, but were both willing to work so it’s been alright, and overall a positive experience no matter what the outcome may turn out to be.

    Like always im continually stressed about finances. With the housing market being at all time high I dont know where im going to live next year. It has been extremely stressful and making me feel hopeless about life in general. The majority of my stress has to do with not having secure housing, and not being able to afford psychological help despite doing it for others. My day to day existence is overwhelming and unenjoyable but i have no one to blame but myself for being a therapist instead of an engineer or businessman. Oh well.

    I hope I can hold on, the lack of emotional and financial support is drowning me. Such is life.

    #391958
    noname
    Participant

    Anita,

    I hope you are doing well this week.

    It has been a difficult week for me.

    In regards to my fear of being powerful, i don’t mean it in the sense of controlling others or having status. I mean it in the sense of of a fear of feeling like I matter or have worth.

    This week has been a rollercoaster I meant to post here sooner in the week. I am meeting up with my mentor (old therapist) today for some tea. Hopefully i can get some guidance on where to go from here.

    As soon as i got in my car after my last client this week, i immediately burst into tears, and remained in a triggered state for a about 2 hours that night. Despite my clients actually making big improvements, and expressing gratitude for the service i provide, I felt awful hearing about their good fortune. The main trigger for me at work is discussions of money. Some of my clients make 2x-4x more money than me, yet I can barely afford to pay my bills each month on my therapist income. I didn’t take a single week off work last year, and I cant say enough just how exhausted i feel. Hearing about people who make double my income by sitting at a desk and sending emails all day is making me bitter.

    I’m starting to have regrets about choosing this career path, and im beginning to become jealous of other’s peoples good fortune, which leads me to ask myself questions like “what am i doing wrong? why don’t i deserve to have a saftey net? am i stupid? it must be because im worthless?” So this week has been a real challenge to remind myself my value as a human being is not determined by dollar signs.

    The other thing i haven’t really talked about is dating. I met this wonderful girl about three months ago with the intention of just being friends since she is polyamarous. We have spent alot of time together and she is genuinely a kind, vulnerable, and empathetic person. I told her last friday when i seen her that i wasn’t exactly feeling an attachment to her, but i really like spending time with her and hanging out. Sunday she told me she had covid, which is okay she’s doing alright, but i’m going out of town next week and she’s leaving for California soon. When it hit me that i wasn’t going to be able to see her i became very sad realizing i do have an attachment to her and will miss her. It also sparked up some jealousy, since she lives with her partner (whom i’ve met) and they get to see her where i wont.

    All this to say i’m quite a mess of a person right now. From my basic needs to my needs for love everything’s fucked. I’m so tired.

    On the bright side i have been very intentional in trying to soothe myself when these negative beliefs and heavy emotions are overwhelming me. There’s a real battle going on inside of a part of me that does not want to grow past the safety of telling myself i’m worthless and the mature part of me that knows i’m worthy and lovable. I need support at this point for the latter part.

    When i’m in these mood swings/emotional breakdowns i have been talking to the hurt parts of myself from the inner parent in me, saying things like “there’s nothing wrong with you, you are lovable, you are worth more than any amount of money, etc” all while having rapid flashbacks of painful memories. I swear I am trying, as bad as things may feel for me right now, i keep reminding myself i am leaps and bounds from the person i was just 5 years ago, i don’t cut anymore and i’m way more self aware, and i’m trying my best most days.

    I’m also wondering if cutting back from alcohol, porn, and weed while increasing the frequency of my meditation and journaling practices has anything to do with the intensity of the emotions i’m experiencing right now. I don’t feel numb at the moment, i actually feel very present with every inkling of feeling/thought/sensation that arises in me. I do feel like i need some kind of break although the next two weeks are packed for me, with a training and then taking my licensure exam the week after.

    #391801
    noname
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have felt that sensation of being called to do something in life. It’s strange that you ask me this today because it’s something I have been thinking about lately. One of the things that I have enjoyed during long periods of time alone is the eventual tapping into something other than myself that fills me with vitality, purpose, and motivation. I used to wonder if it was some kind of grandiose thinking or mania that comes from being depressed for long stretches of time but there’s too much humility present in whatever it is im receiving, and these periods of silence and solitude in retrospect have been where some of my most creative visions and best life decisions have come from. It is a deeply spiritual experience for me that I long for through my numbed-out days. My call is to learn each day how to  get back in relationship with this part of myself? Part of the universe? God? So that I can manifest that love in the world. My daily drive is to learn to live in faith. I feel I’m at the edge of some kind of spiritual growth that I’m afraid of, if I can only let go and trust then I believe I can have a great loving effect on the world. I’m afraid of being powerful.

    I suppose erasing fears and living in faith is my call. I live out of curiosity to see what great things can happen if im not afraid. Easier said than done of course

     

    #391753
    noname
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thanks for checking on me. Unfortunately i did not attend the group, or anything else i was invited to last weekend. My feeling of “I don’t belong” got in the way and led to me declining to hangout with friends on 2 occasions and attend the group. My roommate was out of town so it was just me and the dog. I did alot of reflecting on my relationship with fear and shame.

    I find it interesting that this relationship to fear and shame has progressed and regressed at different points in my life. I think alot of it has to do with a lack of commitment to sit with and care for my own uncomfortable emotions, Which is made much worse by addictions(weed, porn, alcohol) fueling the shame creating a cycle of avoidance of self-love/care.

    I even find it hard to reply here in a timely manner because of this avoidance/neglect of my emotional states. I really appreciate that you are responsive and attentive to me, as i need those role-models in my life to understand how to internalize that same responsiveness to myself.

    I have made some progress this week with it. I try my best to just let go of making mistakes. This internal battle as i see it is one of imagination. It is hard for me to imagine being lovable, despite sometimes being awkward and misspeaking. It is hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to be there for me when i’m struggling. It is hard for me to imagine being able to improve myself without shame. However, i must begin to open my imagination to the possibility i can be loved by myself and others. My life depends on it.

    I ran into a friend of mine at the bar this weekend, whom this summer i convinced to start therapy after I listened to them tell me their life story in detail. This friend’s older brother committed suicide about 10 years ago, and i learned this weekend that their younger brother two weeks ago also committed suicide. It broke my heart to hear this, and reinforced the idea that i must take care of this problem i have now. I’ve promised myself to never go as far as suicide because of the wake of pain it leaves for the living, but in other ways i engage in a slow process of destroying the vibrant inner life within me for the sake of some false sense of safety. There is a wealth of love, creativity, and joy within me that i don’t to tap into often enough, and need to start living in. I dont want to leave behind a legacy of sorrow and misery.

    #391498
    noname
    Participant

    It is cold here in the 30’s but i’m still getting outside and running. No snow where im at.

    After journaling some today and feeling frustrated again with my lack of progress in feeling good about myself, i realized I don’t exactly know how to feel good about myself without stroking my ego. Thinking about how attached i am to achievements, and concrete numbers for feeling good about myself. Being a therapist is the first job i’ve had where comparison to others, or having a concrete measure of achievement is non-existent and pointless anyway. I often leave work feeling confused as to whether I did anything worthwhile that day. Every other job i’ve had involved some kind of measurable outcome that i relied on to feel as if I did something productive that day.

    For me to feel good about being a therapist I have to feel good about myself. My clients might leave the session feeling worse than they came in after looking at themselves for an hour. When i’m feeling good about myself and life i can recognize this as a necessary part of the process of growth and awareness, when i’m not feeling great i just think i did a shit job and suck at everything.

    I have a problem of co-dependence. Either i am dependent on the approval of others, or i’m dependent on comparison to others. I really hate that I have this problem and believe it as the root of my anxiety, because i’m not getting approval from others and don’t want to compare myself to other people anymore, i feel I have no way to generate something that feels like love and validation for myself.

    The result is i increase all of my addictions to feel “good” which have been pretty bad lately. If only i could change my beliefs about myself to be more loving where i didn’t have to exclusively rely on outside validation, i think i’d live such a more fulfilling life.

    Thank you for your time and attention Anita, i Realize i write alot when i post here and i really appreciate you.

    #391490
    noname
    Participant

    Im not sure i know what you’re talking about when it comes to anger. In general people describe me as being easy going and mellow. It has been some years since i remember expressing anger towards a woman, of the 3 times i recall all three involved me being lied to. I do have anger outbursts when i’m alone, i’ll scream most of the time sometimes hit something, never would i ever hurt anyone else though.
    What I find most disruptive to finding close relationships now is my lack of self-worth. I don’t see myself as someone who people would want to be friends with, i don’t understand what value i could bring to any relationship other than being a provider. I’m not fun to be around anymore, i’ve lost most of my playfulness about life. Everything has felt so heavy and serious for so long, i’m losing hope for the future. I continue to live out of obligation to prevent spreading pain to others. I feel tired, pathetic, worthless, unlovable, you name it. Therefore, I don’t reach out to people, and recently over the past few weeks have grown generally unresponsive and avoidant of other people.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by noname.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by noname.
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by noname.
    #391166
    noname
    Participant

    I definitely do not anticipate connection anymore. In fact i actively anticipate that i wont feel connected at all regardless of the situation, which i’m sure doesn’t help either. Any time i do anything social with my roommate now i’ve noticed i remind myself going into the interaction “don’t forget no one actually cares about you or is going to care about you, don’t expect anyone to give you attention, you are here because they are being nice, so be grateful they are even willing to be around someone as sad and boring as you” The worst part is these thoughts are not outside of my awareness, i am very much awake, aware, and consciously feeding them, which i see as a huge red flag for how hopeless i feel about my life and future right now.

    I keep coming back here, and specifically talking with you Anita to feel some kind of empathetic connection with a human being, even if it largely one-sided and we won’t ever meet in person. It is still helpful to write here soley for the encouragement to keep trying. I have worked hard to create connections in my in person life to varying degrees of success.

    I will keep trying, however i need to be courageous enough to risk my safety in the false-self image i have created and be vulnerable. I have these ridiculous expectations that I should’nt need other people ever, that i have to have a partner my friends and family would approve of, and that i have to be extremely successful and recognized as a leader in my career. It’s so silly and exhausting.

    #391162
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply and i hope you enjoyed your walk! 🙂

    the part that sticks out to me is “treatment focusing on connecting with self and others” I look back fondly on my experiences being in group therapy for about 6 months when i was 24. That time period was the most transformative in my life by far. During that time i was more willing to take healthy risks. I had significantly reduced my cannabis use, was in great physical shape, decided to go graduate school, was racing my bicycle, reading & meditating everyday, started my own group, and began seeing myself as a person with value. Ever since then i feel like I’ve been chasing that high and have fallen short of having a stable sense of self.

    I will be attending a mens group this saturday with my old therapist, im hoping this can be an opportunity for a new start. I’m also thinking about trying to start a support group for therapist, as i’m realizing its hard to find help as a helper without being judged.

    A lack of close intimate relationships is probably the thing that hurts the most in my life, It makes me cry just typing that out because out of all the work i do on myself close relationships have been the hardest to manifest. It makes me feel worthless. Nothing new there.

    Trying to fix this problem is killing me. I’ll spend an entire day alone trying to figure out “what can i do to find people to connect with?” and not get any closer to a real answer other than dating apps, which is futile, a partner is not going to fill the need for a community. When i have my weekly emotional breakdown, i’ll scroll through my phone looking for someone to talk to and don’t feel comfortable calling anyone, so i don’t. I suffer alone, every time. It has to stop because it’s starting to get scary for me in those moments as i spiral into hopeless self destruction

     

     

    #391069
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you for the well wishes Anita! I also hope you are doing well

    I’ve been doing alright lately. One thing that has been on my mind is how i spend my time. I condensed my schedule to 2 long days/per week instead of working 3 days. This has allowed me to be more efficient with my time and minimize switching between different tasks on work days. This has been a welcome change for me as i have spent way too much of life in service to others at the expense of my own health. However, what i’ve discovered is that i don’t know what to do with myself. I have 3 free weekdays and the weekend also, which i struggled to fill with anything that felt meaningful to me.

    in the mornings on my non workdays, i am practicing day trading from about 8-11am. then im free to do whatever i want. My plan was to get into a craft that i could also make money from like restoring furniture, or making skateboards. However, i didn’t feel motivation to do those things. When i thought about how i could spend my time the recurring theme was a question of “is this activity the best use of my talents?” While some other people celebrate my talents and abilities it sometimes feels like a burden to me, because what if i choose the wrong thing and there was some other thing that could have been the thing i was supposed to excel at and devote my energy to. Then i end up feeling overwhelmed which leads me to addictive behaviors or depression and doing nothing at all, except feeling like a failure for not choosing a path.

    I realize this is a privileged problem i have, but having this much free time for the first time ever also made me realize how empty my life feels. I don’t feel a part of anything. I have friends but none i feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I spent most of that free time in isolation (the recent covid spike didn’t help either). I guess i’m realizing without being a workaholic I don’t have much to celebrate in my life, i spend alot of time alone trying to figure out “what the hell is wrong with me now?” or when the weather is nicer i’m out skateboarding 3 hours a day so i don’t have to think about my lack of meaningful relationships, or activities. I’m looking for some guidance on how to find the path i was meant to follow, not the one that has been prescribed for me by family, and society.

     

    #389194
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply and explanation.

    I suppose i don’t agree on what little distant relationship i have with my parents as the main cause of my current suffering. It feels like coping with loneliness is the hardest part of my life, and what i need the most help with. I will continue to search for answers.

    Thank you so much!

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by noname.
    #389180
    noname
    Participant

    Anita thank you for you well wishes.

    I have been reading over your response for a few days now. I arrived Wednesday night stayed for thanksgiving and left Friday morning. I no longer allow my mother, father, or sister to steal my empathy. I don’t talk to my mother at all unless i’m in person with her, and I watch closely my reactions to her distress so to not push my needs aside. I have no empathy left for my parents whatsoever.

    Me and my sister were downstairs in the kitchen thanksgiving day cooking food, my mom calls my sister from upstairs on the phone, crying hysterically with no explanation saying she wouldn’t be attending thanksgiving then rudely hung up on my sister. Anita, I am %100 truthful with you that i couldn’t give a damn whether or not she attended thanksgiving or not. My sister noticed i was lost in thought for a few moments about a half hour later, and asked what was on my mind, i told her “i was just over here thinking about how i can be more empathetic with myself”

    These are the reactions i have to my mothers pain now. It is simply a reaffirming reminder to give myself the love i missed/am missing out on. Same goes for my father. There was another incident a few months ago where she sent me and my sister a long angry text message complaining about how we dont have a relationship anymore. I never text back, I woke up that morning read it and didn’t give it a second thought. I reminded my self then to keep focused on my needs.

    I’m not sure how to communicate that i am more detatched from my parents than i have ever been. I don’t make plans with them, i don’t talk to them when im not in their physical presence whatsoever, and even when i am in their presence I dont respond to their bullshit. Its like i have a third person view of myself and the effects it will have on me in these situations so i don’t engage at all.

    I’m going to keep seeing my sister. I may even be in the presence of my parents 2-3 times per year. I can assure you i could care less what happens to them anymore, I think about my parents death from time to time and wonder how i would feel, there are no loose ends for me. My sister has finally got into therapy and is starting to move the same direction i have been for years now and she no longer tries to mediate for any of us.

    I hear your message loud and clear. I suppose i’m really wanting help getting my emotional needs met without having to compromise myself. I hate that everyone acts as if we don’t need other people. If human beings didn’t help each other we wouldn’t of survived this many thousands of years. Yes i understand co-dependence is a thing, and that’s not what im looking for either, been there done that.

    I just really want to come up with a strategy to help me get my social/emotional needs met other than “don’t talk to your parents” I get that. I want to help myself either let go of the longing for a partner/love or find a way to soothe the pain of loneliness. The best strategy i have come up with has been being with my wounded child self and attempting to empathize with it. Nowhere in that process am i telling myself to empathize with my parents, quite the opposite. When i grieve my childhood now, it’s not from a place of “it was your fault you weren’t loved” yes im still angry about it, but i’m not waiting on my parents to repair it or placing my empathy with them. I am worried about me and only me. When i grieve i just want to figure out how to have hope for a different future, that i won’t always be unloved.

    Do you have any strategies for working with loneliness?

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by noname.
    #388987
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you for your reminder to take care of my body Grace.

    I actually do very well with exercise and diet, unfortunately it is not enough to help overcome feelings of inadequacy. In fact I have been obsessed with exercise to the point where it was unhealthy, again because it was coming from the a wounded place in me, the part that didn’t feel good enough.

    #388974
    noname
    Participant

    Thank you

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 267 total)