Forum Replies Created
January 8, 2021 at 4:45 pm #372461
I really appreciate the effort you put in on this site. If no one else has said it I can tell you our communication has had an overwhelmingly positive impact on my life. I think it is such a great thing that this site exists. With that being said after thinking about the last post I made I feel our dialogue has run it’s course, and it does give me anxiety to share so much on this public forum so I think this will probably be it.
I think we’re on the same page about diagnoses. It’s helpful to give a name to a set of common symptoms, unfortunately i see other therapists identifying people by their diagnosis instead of as an individual with a unique experience. I get alot of feedback from people telling me it’s refreshing to have a therapist who doesn’t treat them like a research study…but that’s neither here nor there.
I was diagnosed with BPD as well. I fit the diagnosis very well. I have been questioning myself alot this week, wondering if anything is actually wrong, or if i’m just being irrational/symptomatic. It has been so difficult to abandon some of my more problematic personality traits, because they have literally kept me alive. I’m grateful for my anxiety sometimes, because it has defiantly been on the money a few times that saved my life. I’m sure you understand it can be hard to give something up that has served you so well for so long, despite the byproduct of suffering. I feel like such a fraud most days, I am far from a mentally healthy individual trying to help other mentally unhealthy people. I’m going to figure out another career and get out of therapy as soon as I can, it’s just been too hard on me.
Thank you so much for support over years Anita. I wish you the best, and words cant express my gratitude towards you and this forum. I’m sure i’ll figure things out eventually and be just fine!
January 7, 2021 at 12:44 pm #372383
- This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by noname.
Thank you, i really appreciate your thoughtful feedback. It has been very helpfulJanuary 7, 2021 at 7:41 am #372362
My reason for living has pretty much remained unchanged, it always involves others well-being. Whether it be my family, friends, or my clients. I think i’m at a point however where living for other people isn’t doing it for me anymore. I know people will be okay without me. I’d much rather have a more selfish reason for living as odd as that may sound.
I think it must be said too that my lifestyle is more sedentary and isolated than ever. I spend more time on a computer than i ever have in my life because of Covid, and i haven’t had the motivation to exercise. I was once of the fastest people in my city on a bicycle and i’ve ridden my bike maybe 3-4 times in 2020. I also struggle with finances since covid. I was on track to make a good living before covid. My income last year was probably only 2/3rds of what it would’ve been. I simply cant do as much therapy with people over the computer as i could in person. I’ve been learning day trading for the past 7 or so months in hopes to supplement my income, which hasn’t taken off for me yet.
I’ve also been on the fence about continuing to be a therapist at all. I just don’t fit in philosophically with the career (i generally disagree with diagnostic criteria, and refuse to pathologize peoples adaptive behaviors as some sort of “disorder”) it feels dangerous and anxiety provoking to be authentic and stand out in a career field like this where I don’t agree with colleagues about the medical model of mental health treatment, which tends to be a huge relief to my clients who have had other therapist in the past who pathologized every behavior as some kind of “disease” rather than an adaptive behavior.
I see my career potentially going a few different directions once i get fully licensed at the end of 2021.
1. I can practice therapy solo and rent office space and make alot more money for the same amount work im doing now.
2. I can work towards opening a community center focused on mental health and mostly abandon doing individual therapy and focus on leading seminars, and doing group work.
3. I can ditch mental health altogether focus on Day trading, probably make a lot more money and not have to worry about anyone else but myself.
Right now option 3 sounds most attractive. The feeling of living an inauthentic life as a therapist just wont work for me. I fantasize about not having to respond to people, not having to answer to any governing body, and having my time freedom back to focus on things i want to do. It feels unnatural to be attending to peoples human needs through therapy.
This career dilemma also contributes to the hopelessness. Summed up i see my career two ways 1. survive and be inauthentic. or 2. be authentic and risk not having my basic needs met. I hate that capitalism forces me to use my talents to generate profits for survival or else.
I really feel like i just need a break, like a 6month-1yr break where i just live. I’ve held a taxpaying job since i was 14 years old i’m 28 years old now, and have bread crumbs to show for it. I just wake up most days tired of this rat race. It also angers me knowing i could have went into some profit seeking type career and wouldn’t be worried about survival right now.
My therapist points out to me alot that it is impressive what i’ve been able to accomplish with no resources and hardly any help, but that it is unsustainable for me to be a loner forever, and i totally agree. I feel like i’m playing a team game as a 1 man show and have no room for error. Which is exhausting and even more so when I see no reward(reason) for doing so.
January 6, 2021 at 12:02 pm #372310
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by noname.
I never ceased to be amazed at how much digging you are capable of doing! It is also hard to believe how long this thread has been alive. Not sure what to think of that.
Thank you for pointing out a pattern in my moods I may have not completely recognized otherwise. It has me wondering how much of my mood has been triggered by contact with them. I did reluctantly spend time with both of them this past Christmas. I had so many things wrong with my car and went to my Dad’s garage to work on them, and my mom still lives with my sister of course. I only spent a few days there this time, but i’d like to think my attitude towards them has changed some, in the sense that while it does still hurt very much that I won’t ever get the type of love i deserve from them, i no longer have any expectation of them changing either, therefore have detached myself from their judgement of me.
I guess the difference is with the way i see my relationship with them which is = completely hopeless. Therefore i have zero expectation or desire there any more to cause me suffering (i think)
I do however have a desire to be loved by others, maybe this is why i suffer?
My hope for the relationship with myself is that I am able to cultivate hope. Right now I see my future as hopeless. Sure I’ll be able to survive, but it just seems so pointless. The past week I’ve been oversleeping and not doing alot of the paperwork for my job, because i don’t see the point in getting out of bed if there is no hope of me getting my emotional needs met that day. Even worse with the pandemic i can’t really work towards getting my emotional needs met either through socializing which was already difficult for me, now theres no point in even trying. Which brings me back to a need for a reason. I don’t expect my needs to ever be met at this point so i just looking for a reason to suffer through life like this. Granted of course there will be good times too where i feel belonging and loved they are just so rare, but i can count on loneliness to be there for sure.
January 6, 2021 at 7:39 am #372287
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by noname.
Merry Christmas and happy new year to you as well!
I have ordered the book you recommended last post and will begin reading it soon, as I feel myself becoming more hopeless and depressed within the past week. The reason for depression feels pretty straightforward this time around; I am lonely and disconnected. The hopelessness feels familiar, it says to me “there is no relief from anxiety for you, ever. You will always be alone and even in the company of other people you are still alone”
I feel like I’m at that point where i’ve tried everything to feel better, but thinking of the future tells me there is no point or reason to keep trying. Throughout my life I have proven to myself that i can suffer through anything if i have a good enough reason. I’m starting to become afraid because I haven’t felt this type of hopelessness in a few years. In the past i was a able to see or feel some glimmer of hope for my future, whether it was being in school, a friendship, or romance. However, right now i see nothing but isolation and it feels terrible to think that is my future, and is keeping me from getting out of bed in the mornings right now. The hardest part for me right now is feeling unsupported, knowing the suffering that awaits me if i do not work to support myself, which feels like a rat race i will never get ahead of.
I’m scared if i do not find a reason for living and suffering to attach myself to what my life may become. I know you may not be able to give me a reason to keep suffering, and just so you know i promised myself I would never end things through my own actions, so i will keep suffering no matter what, but it would be such a relief if i had a better reason other than other people would be sad if i were dead.December 6, 2020 at 9:23 am #370576
Thank you i will look into those resources!December 6, 2020 at 8:24 am #370572
Thank you for reminding me I am an animal. I think it’s interesting you brought up using imagination, something my therapist mentioned to me a few weeks ago. I find myself limiting possibilities of what my reality can be because of it, like how it is still hard for me to imagine being deserving of love. I also understand that as humans we can use our ability to focus our attention to create. As I was thinking some more this morning, i was asking myself how can i consciously create an internal feeling of love using my focus when i need it? Maybe some form of meditation can help with this…
Through my personal work, and my job i notice i have developed a skill of listening. I do a really good job on picking up on other peoples needs without them saying much at all. Of course this skill of rapidly diagnosing and meeting the needs of other comes from my relationship with my parents. However, i’m not so great at seeing and meeting my own needs in the moment. Which sometimes means weeks long episodes of depression or severe social anxiety. I am trying to learn how to give to myself what i give to others.December 6, 2020 at 6:29 am #370565
Good morning Anita,
I hope you are doing well! I want to start by saying thank you for the support you have provided me over what has been years now, whether you know it or not you have been incredibly helpful for my growth.
It’s been a while since i’ve posted here so ill just catch you up a bit…Me and my roommate had covid, i was completely fine with no symptoms and she was okay as well. I felt very relieved to get it over with.
Since march i quit talking to my mom for about 5 months, my non-communication began causing problems for my sister in her household. My sister finally understood what i’ve been trying to communicate to her for a few years now which is, our mom is too dependent on us for her emotional well being. Because of my non-communication my mom began going to therapy and is still in it. I have seen her twice this year, and its easier than ever to detach from her emotionally, thanks to alot of the work we’ve done here and with my therapist.
I talked with my dad in person for the first time in a year over thanksgiving, and it was exactly what i expected. He talked about himself and didn’t really ask how i was until my uncle called him on the phone in the middle of our interaction and asked how i was. Since march I have reached an acceptance on an emotional level i haven’t before that for the rest of my life my parents will never be what i need them to be.
Where I’m at now after doing some reflecting this morning is this…I notice that emotional safety needs are whats keeping me from being my best self. I don’t know where to find emotional safety in other people or myself. When im scared and dont feel emotionally safe is when my negative core beliefs are activated (i.e. im worthless, unlovable, etc) This is also when suicidal ideation comes up for me, telling me i need to find safety.
When i feel emotionally safe whether that’s connecting with a good friend, or the rare moments when i have a healthy romantic relationship those beliefs are replaced with much healthier sounding beliefs, and i feel good about myself, and motivated to do more good in the world, reach out to people, be vulnerable, courageous, etc.
I was wondering if you had any thoughts on how to exist feeling emotionally safe while alone? I have my roommate and she has been a great friend, but is not the best safe place as she gets into “fix it” mode with people when they come to her with feelings, and i just need to be seen & heard, so i’ve learned shes not the best place for that. I have my friend back in my hometown who always listens with patience but i dont get to see him that often anymore thanks to covid. I have a friend in the city i live now who i see about twice a month who is a good listener but i feel i need more than that. I still struggle with wondering if i even need to be looking outside myself for human connection at all.March 26, 2020 at 8:29 am #345502
Thanks so much for checking on me. How are you doing with all this??
I have been up and down this past week. My discomfort with anxiety has been evident. I have been doing therapy with clients over video chat. I also started a job 1 day a week working in a foster care facility. I am so grateful to be employed right now as so many people i know have lost their jobs overnight.
My sister text me last weekend pleading to unblock my mom and talk with her. I said okay but i still haven’t done it. My mom was in the hospital yesterday with kidney stones but shes okay now. I felt shame for not checking on her but i’m also just very tired of communicating with her, the conversation is always criticism of what i’m doing to hurt her and never about the abundance of things i’ve done right. My mom couldn’t have asked for two better children, yet she is always complaining about us and how we treat her. I’m sick of it and don’t feel like defending myself anymore against her opinions of me, because i frankly don’t have the capacity to care that much right now. I’m much more focused on keeping myself from spiraling into a deep depression.
My therapist pointed out to me the discomfort i feel with the tension of anxiety. I have probably said this before on here but sometimes i just want my life to go ahead and crash completely so i can just deal with it. Waiting around to see whats going to happen always feels worse than when the worst actually comes for me. Right now i have two months of savings, something i am extremely grateful for. Though it still makes me very anxious if it will be enough to keep me from being evicted if i cant keep cash flowing in. I should be okay, but again the anxiety is probably worse than the actual event, much like we’ve seen these past couple weeks with the panic vs. the actual virus in society at large. The anxiety itself seems to be the enemy. My therapist suggested i use this as opportunity to just be, be with the anxiety, and to be unproductive. Being productive has always been my coping mechanism (or achievement) , and these circumstances have forced me to be unproductive. When i’m working i feel as if im doing something to fend off the worry, as business has slowed to a trickle for me this week it has been difficult for me to stay calm without just becoming all out depressed.
This whole situation has raised some awareness in me however, its shown me how disconnected we are from the earth, and meeting our own basic needs like food and shelter. It is clear to me I am far too dependent on the system to meet my basic needs and to meet the needs of others. This disconnection has highlighted why there is so much despair within me and the world around me. I want a small affordable home with a yard where i can grow food and raise chickens or somethings, i want a community where people are interdependent on eachother for our physical and emotional well being. I want to live more humanely. This is where the dissatisfaction in my life has it’s roots i have discovered.March 10, 2020 at 10:25 am #342626
Thank you for your response.
I had read and processed it at the time you wrote it. Since then me and the woman i was seeing decided not to be romantically involved anymore. It was a healthy break which i learned from. We had a discussion and she basically wanted to be my girlfriend and I wanted to keep seeing her casually as we had only known eachother for a month. She knew exactly what she wanted and i applauded her for that and I had to be humble enough to admit i did not, even though i thought i did. I realized there is fear of intimacy present for me. At the core of it i believe is i’m most afraid of having a responsibility towards another person. The responsibility is that to love myself unconditionally, i.e. i’d have to give up impulsive pleasures and rewards for a greater, yet less thrilling, though more fulfilling pleasure of being vulnerable again with another human being. At the moment i do have responsibility towards other people, my clients in particular, i must be prepared to hold their emotions, for some reason having that responsibility towards a girlfriend seems scary to me right now in that i believe i may hurt them because of my lack of emotional availability at times. I feel the need to be alone frequently after work.
In other news, i still haven’t spoke with my mother and i don’t really intend to. I’m tired of the merry go round. My sister told me she believes I have mistreated my mother over the past few years as well. She doesn’t empathize very well with me about keeping boundaries with my parents. She gets her need to be needed filled from them, my mother especially and she admitted to this. So at this point i feel I may have to avoid going back home altogether and my sister will just have to come and see me for a change instead. It seems no one is okay with me being firm with my boundaries and as you’ve said in the past all the empathy is reserved for my mother. If i were to have this conversation with my sister there will always be something like “you need to forgive them” my mother preaches forgiveness yet wont every forgive me. This situation sucks but i know it’s better for me if I don’t ever go back to my sisters house while my mom is present. The thing is i don’t feel guilty for not talking to my mom, because it would somehow turn into a conversation about what im doing wrong in the relationship, there is never an end to those types of conversations unless me or my sister admits we were wrong. But at this point i refuse, of course i’m not perfect, and i have responded out of anger, suppressed anger specifically, and it is a parents job to hold their children’s emotions, and empathize with them, instead my emotions have always been met with criticism and im too tired to keep up that pattern.
Thank you for everything Anita, i’m so grateful to have such an empathetic person to bounce things off without judgement. dFebruary 17, 2020 at 9:39 am #338702
Thank you for your reply I paid close attention to what you said about emotional regulation. It is exactly what i needed to do, tolerate the discomfort and resist the urge to engage in my childlike coping strategies. Thank you for your reflection. I find it difficult to see myself sometimes, had someone come to me with this same issue it would have been easy for me to identify. This does scare me sometimes as well, the fact that I am an adult yet my inner child is so noisy and still requires very much attention.
I would like your input on another topic as well, accepting other peoples past. I’m very into this woman i’m seeing and she is kind, thoughtful, intelligent, independent, and empathetic. She told me about her past though and that’s when I became afraid and wanted to run. When she was a teenager she became pregnant and didn’t know who the father was. She regretfully got an abortion and never told anyone. after that she said she didn’t have sex or any relationship of any kind for 3 years. Then she was in a relationship for a 1 year and ended it. I run into this problem often with myself, I find myself judging her for her mistakes. I hate that i do this. I don’t do this with my clients either, i try to keep an unconditional positive regard towards them, but women i want to be intimate with i find myself judging them for their past even if they are more self-aware and a completely different person now. It makes me feel hypocritical
Also, I wanted your input on another topic as well. I went to my sisters yesterday to some work on my car. While i was talking to my sister my mom continually interrupts so i just ignore her and keep talking to my sister. I was talking with my brother in law and my mom comes out of nowhere and interrupts yet again, i sighed and rolled my eyes. My mom went off and screamed “you’re always so F***ing disrespectful!” i asked if she wanted to talk about it and she just went upstairs to her room and stayed there the rest of the day.
This morning she texts me this “I’m not sure why you continue to have an issue with me, but i think we are old enough to have a conversation about it. I will not continue to be made to feel as if I have to walk on eggshells around you. You act as if i inconvenience you by being emotional about the last 2 1/2 years, trust that you know a snippet of what has gone on. If it’s not about you then we all know it’s not your concern. So please stop being so disrespectful towards me, i don’t deserve that from my child. I have decided not to take treatment from anyone that i do not deserve and i know deserve the type of treatment you constantly give me”….
I replied “Good for you”
she replies “I dont have time to convince you that i’m worthy of your respect. so I have my non answer”
I replied “if you actually care you wouldn’t be passive aggressive in the message you sent me telling me ‘if its not about you we all know you don’t care’ continuing to try to make me feel sorry for you ‘trust you know a snippet of what has gone on’ Good! i don’t want to know everything that goes on with you it drains me, take care of yourself please”
She replies “if you have such disdain for me then why would you accept anything from me?” (referring to the money she gave me when she divorced)
I replied “let’s just not talk to eachother anymore please” and then i blocked her on my phone.
Sorry for the length of this post i cannot express my gratitude enough for all the help you continue to provide me. I feel I’m at that point with her that you have encouraged many many times. No contact whatsoever. I was offended many times in this communication 1. she says we should be old enough to have a conversation but she declined my request to talk in the moment. Childish. 2. She says i don’t care about anyone but myself but i helped her with SO much since she’s been divorced moving shit, working on her car, consoling her. Childish. 3. It’s still about her because i don’t know everything that goes on with her. That’s my greatest wish honestly i was tired of her shit so i set a boundary and i felt much better but to her this means i’m letting her down. Childish. 4. She says she doesn’t deserve disrespect from her own child, implying she deserves uncondtional respect no matter how disrespectful she has been to me because i am HER child. Childish. 5. when she asks why do i continue to accept anything from her, well because she stole my tax return money when i was in college and didn’t tell me until years later. Not to mention the emotional damages. a few thousand dollars barely made up for the money she took.
Overall i’m disgusted i was working out in the gym this morning when i got these messages and it just pissed me off even more because it saps my energy. I guess i’d like an outside perspective (validation) on this matter but i refuse to believe what i’m feeling is somehow invalid. She acts as if i’m somehow at a loss for not communicating with her, but i’m the one who loses every time by engaging with her, so i’m done. This does make things even more difficult for me to see my sister, but i guess she will just have to come and see me now.February 13, 2020 at 12:44 pm #338026
Good afternoon Anita,
I have been doing well over the past couple weeks, i hope you’re doing well too.
I have been somewhat apathetic towards life and unmotivated. I’m still sticking to my routine of meditation, journaling, and exercise regardless. I’m sure the weather isn’t helping as i haven’t spent as much time outdoors as i’d like. Something I’ve noticed since meeting this girl a few weeks ago is that i am generally uncomfortable being emotionally & physically intimate with people. Unfortunately I had sex with her last weekend despite telling myself I wasn’t going to. I took her home and she asked for a kiss at the end of the night, after i gave her a hug and was getting ready to leave, and things escalated from there. Afterward I didn’t regret it but i felt i let myself down again for not having more self control. We both had the day off yesterday and got lunch and went and checked out an art exhibit then went to my apartment to hangout for the rest of the day. We talked alot. She told me alot about her past and how she’s grown and i did the same. After she left and today I couldn’t help but feel as if I want out immediately. She want’s a relationship and I’m afraid to move that direction, because i feel like there is going to be something i am blind to which will eventually make me miserable. I really feel more comfortable being completely alone, i have noticed myself feeling distant from my clients, my roommate, and friends. It’s almost like i feel as if all relationships must be problematic. I don’t know what’s going on with me but it seems as if i’m more comfortable keeping distance from everyone and interacting sporadically, but i know that makes me miserable. I was hoping you might be able to help me navigate myself to discover what is causing my alarm to go off when getting close to people and how to work with it. Thanks!January 24, 2020 at 1:25 pm #334916
Thank you for your reply.
I do believe you have my best interest in mind, the reflections you’ve provided have always been helpful for me to further my insight into myself. I realize the boy in me wants nothing to do with my mother or father, and that I make excuses why I have to continue to interact with them. I realize by spending time with them I am robbing myself of time that could be spent living the life I want and finding ways to get my needs met. Thank you for being patient with me. The most difficult part is missing my sister, sometimes there is a part of me who wished she would’ve refused to take my mom in after her divorce. If there’s one thing i’ve learned about people through my work in social services, it’s that people will figure out how to survive, my sister was sucked into my moms victimhood believing she was incapable of taking care of herself. I look at myself and I have been selfish since leaving home at 18, i’ve been selfish because I gave up so much of myself taking care of my parents for so long. My mom wouldn’t even think twice about ever asking to live with me, but she knew she could manipulate my sisters guilt (empathy abuse as you called it) and live with her. I digress. You’re right though it will eventually take zero contact between my parents for me to feel better. Hopefully this happens sooner than later. Everytime i think my parents are changing they do something to let me down once again. In this way I am insane, doing the same thing expecting a different result.
Speaking of avoiding insanity, I met a woman who took interest in me, and she seems emotionally healthy. As difficult as it may be i’m committed to building emotional intimacy with her slowly before getting physical. It will take self control and thinking ahead to what i really want to accomplish, but i’m so over my self-destruction at this point. I want something different for a change.January 23, 2020 at 8:21 pm #334720
I have been thinking about your post for the past couple of days, and clearly I wasn’t valued by my parents in the ways i needed them most, which was emotionally. My emotions were always secondary to theirs. I remember a birthday when I was about 11 or 12 and unwrapping my gift. I wanted to get through with unwrapping my gift as quickly as possible and get to my room in the basement so I wouldn’t have to sit through my parents dysfunctional relationship any longer that day, i can’t remember where we were before i got home to unwrap my gift i just remember i couldn’t wait to be away from them and the hair trigger attitudes that filled the air with tension. What I do remember is already being hyper aware of my parents emotional states by that age, or else i would face the consequences of not taking care of them. As i typed out that last sentence my stomach turned a bit and reminded me of that feeling of walking on eggshells never being able to relax in their presence, my favorite part of the day in my adolescence was being home alone or just me and my sister, because it meant peace.
I have been excited lately to find out what can happen in my life if i’m able to heal from my childhood, and truly love myself the way i need to. I can’t believe how far i’ve come already and I can only imagine how great life can be if I keep working at healing and take care of those wounded parts of myself. I’m thirsty to know who I am, my soul, and purpose in this life and universe. I feel closer to the answer than ever before i just need some guidance to find myself. It also excites me because i’ve noticed the more im able to understand my self the better i have become at doing therapy with others. I have been receiving unsolicited positive feedback lately and I know it’s because I am able to recognize patterns in others that have been brought into light for myself through therapy and through your guidance on this forum.
I’m getting a little off track here from the original purpose of getting in contact with the boy i was before depression. I want to say my parents bought me the skateboard when i was about 4 years old because i picked it out at toys-r-us. I have a vivid image of it in my mind and have been thinking of recreating it through a drawing. No one really encouraged me to skate, i remember watching the first x-games on TV at my grandmothers house in 1996 and trying to do what i saw on tv. As i grew older they opened a skatepark right next to my elementary school so i would go after school, i skated off and on and got back into it around 16 and 17 and then stopped cold turkey when i met my first girlfriend which i now regret. Skating was everything to me at one point, when i was fed up at home i would skate about 2-3 miles to the park and hangout all day and come back when it was dark. It was like all the misfit children knew exactly where to go. Nowadays I cant get enough and i feel pure joy when im riding, i feel free, extroverted, playful, creative, and as if i belong in the presence of other skaters. I think we all know there is something deeply painful were running from and skating is the escape.
Thinking of what else brought me joy as a young child, I keep thinking of living at my grandmothers house at age 4-5, it was more peaceful there than the apartments we lived in before, and the house we moved into after when my parents had no one monitoring their antics. I would play outside for hours, digging in dirt, chasing animals, and my favorite thing to do was climb the tree in her backyard. Me and my cousins about 8 of us would climb into this tree and we all had a spot to sit. We would play games and talk, or just sit and admire the small changes in the tree every month. I still love being outside in nature and feel belonging when i’m in the woods. I haven’t been hiking in a while but a friend offered recently so i will take them up on that and get back to myself hopefully.January 21, 2020 at 9:40 am #334422
Thank you for reply, your concern, and thoughtfulness about my life it really helps me begin to feel as i’m worthy of love because of the effort you put forth in these posts. Thank you.
The more i practice mindfulness and daily meditation, the more dreams i have at night. I have been noticing heavy themes in my dreams, the most prevalent being myself trying to earn love in one way or another, whether it be through protecting others, helping, or some kind of achievement.
To your point of making contact with who i was before depression i have been so hungry for that lately, especially as I’ve reduced my substance usage. It has made me aware that it is difficult for me to be playful or lighthearted without substances. I’ve also noticed wanting to feel various emotions but having difficulty accessing them. I’m not nearly as depressed as i once was because through the work i’ve done on myself i was able to access some of those buried emotions, though I have a sense as if there’s some serious grief that needs to be accessed and my ego keeps trying to do it’s best to protect me from seeing whats there. It has been frustrating to say the least, i have an intuitive feeling that is where my relief lies, in accessing and feeling that pain.
My hope is that through continued mindfulness practice, I might be able to shine some light on what’s been repressed and grieve. Through my own discovery last year I fell in love with skateboarding again, something that has been near to my heart since i was a child. I remember being 4 years old and getting my first board, one of my earliest memories. I cherished that board so much it felt like freedom. I’m so glad i found my lost obsession for skateboarding again last year, it is pure joy, and brings out the childlike playfulness and creativity i greatly miss. I’ve left the skatepark a few times with tears in my eyes the past couple months happy that i found something i love enough in this world to get me excited to get out of bed, all while connecting with that boy who couldn’t wait to get out of school to go skate. I want nothing more than to be close to that boy again. I agree with everything you said, he is the portal to my joy. My strong inner critic doesn’t want him to be seen, I hope i can figure out how to find him?